Canada is finally getting footage on Youtube so can I do this way better than from last time I put this article..
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#1:
(live audience scene):
Peele: What I often do.. I take note of things my girl dose wrong, and call her on it at the right times.
Key: (pretending to be the girl) Jordon, why'd Du leave the toilet sitz up?
Peele: hündin WHY WAS Du LATE LAST NIGHT, AND I DIDN'T SAY NOTHING!?
#2:
(live audience scene):
Girl in audience: (laughing too hard)
Key: Ma'am... Breath.
#3:
Key: (texting angrily) do Du even WANT to hang out!?
Peele: (texting calmly) Like I sagte whatever.
Key: (reading text) Like I sagte whatever!?.. FUCK THIS GUY!!
#4:
Peele: (as girl character) Du are LITERARY an asshole!
Key: I can't be LITERARY an asshole! I have legs, and a body!
#5:
(to live audience)
Key: In movies.. In every group of 3 white friends, they always has to be the "black best friend".
Peele: Yes, and the lines are always the same.. (names several lines I forget what they are).
Key: There's also..
Both: Oh Hell's no!..
Peele: Yes, and they always say the moral at the end.. "Guess Du learned the true meaning of (insert here)"
Key: Come on guys... Not "every" black dude is "wise" and "reasonable".
#6:
(to live audience)
Key: I heard a line Von Mel Gibson.. He sagte "I hope Du get rapped Von a pack of niggers!"... a PACK!?
Peele: Yes. He is the most racist man in the world.
Key: If he sagte a pack of.. African americans... It is NOT better..
#7:
Peele: (telling joke) So there's this girl.
Key: uh huh?
Peele: and she goes to her doctor.
Key: (giggles).
Peele: And asks him.. Will Du have KISS with me?
Key: (bursts into laughter).
Peele: No.. That wasn't the joke.. It was just the build up.
Key: (laughs even harder).
Peele: (trying to shout over Keagan's laughter) She asks that.. And he says, no that would be unprofessional.
Key: Unprofessional. HAWHAWHAWHAW!!
Peele: Still not the schlagen, punsch line.
Key: (laughing anyway).
Peele: (over the laughter) SHE ASKS HIM AGAIN.. HE SAYS.. I SUDDEN'T EVEN HAVE SEX WITH Du WAIT NOW.
Key: (falls silent, despite this having been the schlagen, punsch line)... Then what?
Peele: Guess.. She sues him.
Key: (laughs loudly).
#8:
(the duo wake up in the SAW bathroom).
Key: ... Not so bad.
Peele: Yes, it's all about prospective, at least I'm alive.
Key: Yeah, there's sort of a positive in having no opinions, we know we won't escape so we won't even try.
Peele: Plus.. All this time away from my phone.. My lap top.. I feel unplugged..
Key: And Du know what else.. (his arm is cut off) Don't miss the arm... I'm a lefty anyway.
#9:
Killer: I will cover Du in gasoline and set Du on FIRE!!
Peele: Funny Du should say that.. I'm getting pretty cold in here.
Killer; Why Du doing to me!? YOU'RE MAKING ME CRAZY!!
Key; whoawhoawhoa, somebody needs a vacation.
#10:
(to live audience).
Key: We black people, avoid ANYTHING supernatural.
Peele: (pretending to be a magician) Pick a card.
Key: OH HELL'S NO! Du A DEMON! (walks off),
#11:
Peele: I sagte biiiiiiiiitch!
#12:
VelJohnson: I AM AN ACTOR GENE, I WAS IN DIE HARD DAMMIT! FUCK STEVE URKEL
Producer: Du WILL SUCK STEVE URKEL'S DICK IF Du HAVE TOO! Du WILL HE IS OUR brot AND BUTTER, Du MOTHERFUCKER! I AM HIGH ON COCAINE!!!
VelJohnson: I'M A FUCKING ACTOR, GENE! I HAVE DONE Mehr COCAINE THAN Du WEIGH, MOTHERFUCKER!!!
#13:
Key: (as news reporter) This just in.. Little baby susie is still missing.. Help us lo- What's that? They found her? She's fine? Well FUCK ME!! (throws something in anger).
#14:
Key: (as detective) We KNOW Du killed her.. Du have a song about it.
Peele: (as rapper) ... It's just words man.
Key: (as detective) The NAME of the album! Is "I killed (the victims name)!".. And look at the cover.. It's Du standing over her body, holding the gun we found at the scene!
Peele; Du have no evidence man.
#15:
key: (as idiot guard) BREAKING HIM OUT HERE!
Peele: (prisoner) Don't shout.. (sarcastically) may as well pull the alarm.
Key: Good idea.. (pulls the alarm).
#16:
Peele: Roommate meeting... Roommate meeting!
Key: Gogo, what the hell? I've got a hangover!
Peele: I don't give a fuck about your hangover, okay Brendan? I want a roommate meeting, and I want it now! Okay... Now, somebody's been taking shit out of the refrigerator and throwing it on the ground, and it's pissing me off. Is this another one of your stupid pranks, Jonald?
Jonald: No.. And YOUR pranks are stupid.
Peele; Is it you, Monday?
Monday: What?
Peel (scary ghost behind them) I said, somebody's been taking shit out of the fridge and throwing it on the fuckin ground! And I want to know who it is, because it's NOT, FUNNY!
Key: (the ghost behind is closer) Well, what I want to know is, who keeps pulling the sheets off my bett and hanging them from the ceiling Fan at night?
Peele; Was that you, Monday?
Monday: What?
Key: (ghost is closer) Have Du been taking everybody's sheets off them in the night and hanging them from the ceiling fans?!
Monday: What? No.
Peele: (ghost is closer) Well, clearly, someone's been doing that!
(glass shatters obviously from the ghost)
Jarold; Whoa! Who did that?
Peele: (the ghost is still behind them) Yeah! who the FUCK just did that!?
Key; WHICH ONE OF Du JUST, THREW, THAT, BOTTLE?!
Jonald: What are we even talking about right now? Peele: Did Du fucking throw that bottle, Jonald? Jonald: No, Gogo! FUCK YOU! I didn't throw it!
Peele: Well, did Du fucking throw that bottle, Brendon?
Jonald: Yeah! Du WOULD do that, Brendon.
Key: Dude, no! I DIDN'T THROW THAT BOTTLLE!!
Peele: (ghost is inches away from them) Well, somebody threw that fucking bottle, and you're the one who drew dicks on everyone's forehead!
Monday: Yeah, Du did do that!
Key: (ghost is touching him) But dicks are hilarious, though! This is just destructive!
Peele; What about you, Monday? Did Du throw that bottle?
Ghost: (low growl).
Monday: What bottle?
Key: The fuckiing bottle, dude! It just smashed against the wall, and Du even sagte some shit about it!
Monday: Well, I didn't throw a bottle.
Key: Well obviously (points at ghost) it wasn't Ping. He's got the best grades in the house.
Ping: (loud roar)
Jarold: Good point, Ping.. Come on guys, lets cool cool it with the profanity. Du know Ping is very religious.
#17:
Killer: Hey.. Du ladies want to see Channing Tatum?
Key and Peele: (dressed as girls). OH MY GOD! (they crawl in the van),
Peele: Where are Du Channing?
Key; why Du in a van
(killer closes doors and speeds off)
Key: (happily) Is that a meathook?
#18:
Peele: Du WILL RESPECT ME! Du LITTLE SHIT!!
19;
Both: We put the pussy of the train wails!!
20;
Teacher; A-A-Ron! Where are you? Where is A-A-Ron right now? No A-A-Ron, huh? Well, Du better be sick, dead, oder mute, A-A-Ron!
Student: Here!
Teacher: ... Why didn't Du answer me the first time I sagte it.
Student; huh?
Teacher I'm just— y'know, I'm just askin', y'know. I sagte it, like, four times, so why didn't Du say it the first time I sagte "A-A-Ron"?
Aaron: ...Because it's pronounced Aaron.
Teacher: SON OF A BITCH! (turns and around and swipes everything off his desk) Du DONE MESSED UP A-A-RON! Now take your arsch on down to O-Shag-Henessy's office right now and tell him what Du did!
Aaron: Who?
Teacher: O-Shag-Henessy!
Aaron: Principal O'Shaughnessy?
Teacher: Get out of my goddamned classroom before I break my foot off in your ass! (Aaron flees)
Teacher; Inceboradant.. And chirdless.
21;
The Player Formerly Known As Mousecop: The player...
T.J. A.J. R.J. Backslashinsforth V: T.J.! A.J.!
The Player Formerly Known As Mousecop: ...formerly known...
EEEEE EEEEEEEEE: EEEEE!!!
Torque [Construction Noise] Lewith: [Construction noise.] LEWITH!
The Player Formerly Known As Mousecop: ...as Mousecop.
Donkey Teeth: And Donkey Teeth!
22;
Key, Peele, and several other black people form a flash mob dance to Musik that sounds very much like Thriller..
White Man: RACE WARRRRRR! IT'S A GODDAMN RACE WARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!! (Starts gun).
Chaos invades the streets.
Key; Flash mob is cancelled.. Flash mob is cancelled..
23;
Wendell; Wow.. Du really do care about Clara.
pizza man; I do
Wendell breaks a window rather than admit she isn't real.
Wendell; OH MY GOD CLARA JUST GOT SHOT!
pizza man; What, no!
Wendell; Oh god, just got her in the neck, she's dead, she's dead! I'm calling the cops she's dead. (hangs up)
pizza man; CLARA!! NNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Wendell; Chinesse it is..
24;
Teacher; AIN'T NONE OF Du OLD ENOUGH, O BE IN NO DAMN CLUB!!
25;
Warlord: What!?
Mook: But I did find something better: boiling hot water.
Warlord: What are Du going to do wi-
Mook: (pours the boiling water on the warlord's crotch)
Warlord: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! (runs out of the room and towards the fighting) I SURRENDER! I AM THE GENERAL-
Mook: (horrified) Commander! Don't go! They'll torture you!
26;
Black, vagina.
BONUS;
Peele; Most whiite girls give a ''awkward''.. hündin it wasn't awkward TIL Du sagte SOMETHING
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#1:
(live audience scene):
Peele: What I often do.. I take note of things my girl dose wrong, and call her on it at the right times.
Key: (pretending to be the girl) Jordon, why'd Du leave the toilet sitz up?
Peele: hündin WHY WAS Du LATE LAST NIGHT, AND I DIDN'T SAY NOTHING!?
#2:
(live audience scene):
Girl in audience: (laughing too hard)
Key: Ma'am... Breath.
#3:
Key: (texting angrily) do Du even WANT to hang out!?
Peele: (texting calmly) Like I sagte whatever.
Key: (reading text) Like I sagte whatever!?.. FUCK THIS GUY!!
#4:
Peele: (as girl character) Du are LITERARY an asshole!
Key: I can't be LITERARY an asshole! I have legs, and a body!
#5:
(to live audience)
Key: In movies.. In every group of 3 white friends, they always has to be the "black best friend".
Peele: Yes, and the lines are always the same.. (names several lines I forget what they are).
Key: There's also..
Both: Oh Hell's no!..
Peele: Yes, and they always say the moral at the end.. "Guess Du learned the true meaning of (insert here)"
Key: Come on guys... Not "every" black dude is "wise" and "reasonable".
#6:
(to live audience)
Key: I heard a line Von Mel Gibson.. He sagte "I hope Du get rapped Von a pack of niggers!"... a PACK!?
Peele: Yes. He is the most racist man in the world.
Key: If he sagte a pack of.. African americans... It is NOT better..
#7:
Peele: (telling joke) So there's this girl.
Key: uh huh?
Peele: and she goes to her doctor.
Key: (giggles).
Peele: And asks him.. Will Du have KISS with me?
Key: (bursts into laughter).
Peele: No.. That wasn't the joke.. It was just the build up.
Key: (laughs even harder).
Peele: (trying to shout over Keagan's laughter) She asks that.. And he says, no that would be unprofessional.
Key: Unprofessional. HAWHAWHAWHAW!!
Peele: Still not the schlagen, punsch line.
Key: (laughing anyway).
Peele: (over the laughter) SHE ASKS HIM AGAIN.. HE SAYS.. I SUDDEN'T EVEN HAVE SEX WITH Du WAIT NOW.
Key: (falls silent, despite this having been the schlagen, punsch line)... Then what?
Peele: Guess.. She sues him.
Key: (laughs loudly).
#8:
(the duo wake up in the SAW bathroom).
Key: ... Not so bad.
Peele: Yes, it's all about prospective, at least I'm alive.
Key: Yeah, there's sort of a positive in having no opinions, we know we won't escape so we won't even try.
Peele: Plus.. All this time away from my phone.. My lap top.. I feel unplugged..
Key: And Du know what else.. (his arm is cut off) Don't miss the arm... I'm a lefty anyway.
#9:
Killer: I will cover Du in gasoline and set Du on FIRE!!
Peele: Funny Du should say that.. I'm getting pretty cold in here.
Killer; Why Du doing to me!? YOU'RE MAKING ME CRAZY!!
Key; whoawhoawhoa, somebody needs a vacation.
#10:
(to live audience).
Key: We black people, avoid ANYTHING supernatural.
Peele: (pretending to be a magician) Pick a card.
Key: OH HELL'S NO! Du A DEMON! (walks off),
#11:
Peele: I sagte biiiiiiiiitch!
#12:
VelJohnson: I AM AN ACTOR GENE, I WAS IN DIE HARD DAMMIT! FUCK STEVE URKEL
Producer: Du WILL SUCK STEVE URKEL'S DICK IF Du HAVE TOO! Du WILL HE IS OUR brot AND BUTTER, Du MOTHERFUCKER! I AM HIGH ON COCAINE!!!
VelJohnson: I'M A FUCKING ACTOR, GENE! I HAVE DONE Mehr COCAINE THAN Du WEIGH, MOTHERFUCKER!!!
#13:
Key: (as news reporter) This just in.. Little baby susie is still missing.. Help us lo- What's that? They found her? She's fine? Well FUCK ME!! (throws something in anger).
#14:
Key: (as detective) We KNOW Du killed her.. Du have a song about it.
Peele: (as rapper) ... It's just words man.
Key: (as detective) The NAME of the album! Is "I killed (the victims name)!".. And look at the cover.. It's Du standing over her body, holding the gun we found at the scene!
Peele; Du have no evidence man.
#15:
key: (as idiot guard) BREAKING HIM OUT HERE!
Peele: (prisoner) Don't shout.. (sarcastically) may as well pull the alarm.
Key: Good idea.. (pulls the alarm).
#16:
Peele: Roommate meeting... Roommate meeting!
Key: Gogo, what the hell? I've got a hangover!
Peele: I don't give a fuck about your hangover, okay Brendan? I want a roommate meeting, and I want it now! Okay... Now, somebody's been taking shit out of the refrigerator and throwing it on the ground, and it's pissing me off. Is this another one of your stupid pranks, Jonald?
Jonald: No.. And YOUR pranks are stupid.
Peele; Is it you, Monday?
Monday: What?
Peel (scary ghost behind them) I said, somebody's been taking shit out of the fridge and throwing it on the fuckin ground! And I want to know who it is, because it's NOT, FUNNY!
Key: (the ghost behind is closer) Well, what I want to know is, who keeps pulling the sheets off my bett and hanging them from the ceiling Fan at night?
Peele; Was that you, Monday?
Monday: What?
Key: (ghost is closer) Have Du been taking everybody's sheets off them in the night and hanging them from the ceiling fans?!
Monday: What? No.
Peele: (ghost is closer) Well, clearly, someone's been doing that!
(glass shatters obviously from the ghost)
Jarold; Whoa! Who did that?
Peele: (the ghost is still behind them) Yeah! who the FUCK just did that!?
Key; WHICH ONE OF Du JUST, THREW, THAT, BOTTLE?!
Jonald: What are we even talking about right now? Peele: Did Du fucking throw that bottle, Jonald? Jonald: No, Gogo! FUCK YOU! I didn't throw it!
Peele: Well, did Du fucking throw that bottle, Brendon?
Jonald: Yeah! Du WOULD do that, Brendon.
Key: Dude, no! I DIDN'T THROW THAT BOTTLLE!!
Peele: (ghost is inches away from them) Well, somebody threw that fucking bottle, and you're the one who drew dicks on everyone's forehead!
Monday: Yeah, Du did do that!
Key: (ghost is touching him) But dicks are hilarious, though! This is just destructive!
Peele; What about you, Monday? Did Du throw that bottle?
Ghost: (low growl).
Monday: What bottle?
Key: The fuckiing bottle, dude! It just smashed against the wall, and Du even sagte some shit about it!
Monday: Well, I didn't throw a bottle.
Key: Well obviously (points at ghost) it wasn't Ping. He's got the best grades in the house.
Ping: (loud roar)
Jarold: Good point, Ping.. Come on guys, lets cool cool it with the profanity. Du know Ping is very religious.
#17:
Killer: Hey.. Du ladies want to see Channing Tatum?
Key and Peele: (dressed as girls). OH MY GOD! (they crawl in the van),
Peele: Where are Du Channing?
Key; why Du in a van
(killer closes doors and speeds off)
Key: (happily) Is that a meathook?
#18:
Peele: Du WILL RESPECT ME! Du LITTLE SHIT!!
19;
Both: We put the pussy of the train wails!!
20;
Teacher; A-A-Ron! Where are you? Where is A-A-Ron right now? No A-A-Ron, huh? Well, Du better be sick, dead, oder mute, A-A-Ron!
Student: Here!
Teacher: ... Why didn't Du answer me the first time I sagte it.
Student; huh?
Teacher I'm just— y'know, I'm just askin', y'know. I sagte it, like, four times, so why didn't Du say it the first time I sagte "A-A-Ron"?
Aaron: ...Because it's pronounced Aaron.
Teacher: SON OF A BITCH! (turns and around and swipes everything off his desk) Du DONE MESSED UP A-A-RON! Now take your arsch on down to O-Shag-Henessy's office right now and tell him what Du did!
Aaron: Who?
Teacher: O-Shag-Henessy!
Aaron: Principal O'Shaughnessy?
Teacher: Get out of my goddamned classroom before I break my foot off in your ass! (Aaron flees)
Teacher; Inceboradant.. And chirdless.
21;
The Player Formerly Known As Mousecop: The player...
T.J. A.J. R.J. Backslashinsforth V: T.J.! A.J.!
The Player Formerly Known As Mousecop: ...formerly known...
EEEEE EEEEEEEEE: EEEEE!!!
Torque [Construction Noise] Lewith: [Construction noise.] LEWITH!
The Player Formerly Known As Mousecop: ...as Mousecop.
Donkey Teeth: And Donkey Teeth!
22;
Key, Peele, and several other black people form a flash mob dance to Musik that sounds very much like Thriller..
White Man: RACE WARRRRRR! IT'S A GODDAMN RACE WARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!! (Starts gun).
Chaos invades the streets.
Key; Flash mob is cancelled.. Flash mob is cancelled..
23;
Wendell; Wow.. Du really do care about Clara.
pizza man; I do
Wendell breaks a window rather than admit she isn't real.
Wendell; OH MY GOD CLARA JUST GOT SHOT!
pizza man; What, no!
Wendell; Oh god, just got her in the neck, she's dead, she's dead! I'm calling the cops she's dead. (hangs up)
pizza man; CLARA!! NNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Wendell; Chinesse it is..
24;
Teacher; AIN'T NONE OF Du OLD ENOUGH, O BE IN NO DAMN CLUB!!
25;
Warlord: What!?
Mook: But I did find something better: boiling hot water.
Warlord: What are Du going to do wi-
Mook: (pours the boiling water on the warlord's crotch)
Warlord: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! (runs out of the room and towards the fighting) I SURRENDER! I AM THE GENERAL-
Mook: (horrified) Commander! Don't go! They'll torture you!
26;
Black, vagina.
BONUS;
Peele; Most whiite girls give a ''awkward''.. hündin it wasn't awkward TIL Du sagte SOMETHING
1. You're beautiful.- girls think when Du say 'hot' your looking at our body, not our personality.
2. Du look perfect.- gurls like it when men think we're perfect.
3. I wish I could see u everyday.-it makes us gurls think we're loved and Du never get tired of being with us.
4. I Liebe Du and only you.-Well, Du guys get the picture.
5. I will be with Du forever.
6. Du have no flaws.
7. You'll always be in my picture, even if ur not there.
8. Du shine brighter than the sun.
9. There is no reason for Du to be ashamed of your body, you're very pretty.
2. Du look perfect.- gurls like it when men think we're perfect.
3. I wish I could see u everyday.-it makes us gurls think we're loved and Du never get tired of being with us.
4. I Liebe Du and only you.-Well, Du guys get the picture.
5. I will be with Du forever.
6. Du have no flaws.
7. You'll always be in my picture, even if ur not there.
8. Du shine brighter than the sun.
9. There is no reason for Du to be ashamed of your body, you're very pretty.
7 Things to do when Du want to get kicked out of the DMV. Von Misery.
Pretend to be looking at a magazine, and start poking the guy Weiter to you.
Tap your foot to the tune of 'Gramma Got Ran Over Von a Reindeer.'
Burst out into song. Sing 'Umbrella' until one of the people Weiter to Du look at Du funny. Get up,take their hands, and start spinning the person around the waiting room.
Start saying your number softly for 6 times, then louder for 5 times, and then yell it out 9 times into the person on your right's ear.
Start speaking your own tounge. Make up a language and find an old lady. Sit down Weiter to her, and start speaking your made up languge using frightening gestures.
Start quoting your Favorit Zeigen the security guard.
Take out your iPod, and start belting out the first song that plays. Jump onto the table, and do a big Zeigen number. When the last word plays, do jazz hands and RUN out of the DMV.
Pretend to be looking at a magazine, and start poking the guy Weiter to you.
Tap your foot to the tune of 'Gramma Got Ran Over Von a Reindeer.'
Burst out into song. Sing 'Umbrella' until one of the people Weiter to Du look at Du funny. Get up,take their hands, and start spinning the person around the waiting room.
Start saying your number softly for 6 times, then louder for 5 times, and then yell it out 9 times into the person on your right's ear.
Start speaking your own tounge. Make up a language and find an old lady. Sit down Weiter to her, and start speaking your made up languge using frightening gestures.
Start quoting your Favorit Zeigen the security guard.
Take out your iPod, and start belting out the first song that plays. Jump onto the table, and do a big Zeigen number. When the last word plays, do jazz hands and RUN out of the DMV.
