Survey reveals oben, nach oben 50 funniest jokes ever told
[HK]
A joke about a male bus passenger insulting a woman's ugly baby has been voted the funniest gag ever told. Researchers examined Mehr than 1,000 jokes before whittling them down to a final 50 and getting 36,000 people to vote for their favourites. Source: Onepoll.com
Comedy genius Tommy Cooper had Von far the most jokes in the list, which also includes gags Von Peter Kay and Lee Evans.
Jokes ranged from the legendary one-liner about a zoo with just one dog being a 'shitzu' - to ones about wives, husbands, blondes and foreigners.
The study was carried out after Tim Vine's joke "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell Du what, never again." was voted the best of this year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival.
A spokesman for OnePoll, which carried out the research, said: "The majority of these jokes are clean and genuinely funny - but a lot are pretty subjective and what one person finds hilarious, someone else may not.
"It's nice to see jokes from the greats like Tommy Cooper and Les Dawson are still up there and the ugly baby tale is a worthy winner.
"Many of the jokes in the Liste are fairly timeless and will still be making people chuckle in thirty years oder more."TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME
1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man Weiter to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
2. ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''
3. ''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''
4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun Shop and buys a handgun. The Weiter Tag she comes Home to find her husband in bett with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I sagte to the Gym instructor "Can Du teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.
6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in Liebe - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop Singen the 'Green Green gras, grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've Lost three days already.
10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''
11. I went to the doctors the other Tag and I said, 'Have Du got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.
14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''
15. There's two fisch in a tank, and one says ''How do Du drive this thing?''
16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other Tag but I couldn't find any.
17. When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I Liebe the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.
18. ''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''
19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to Berichten a nuisance caller'', he sagte ''Not Du again''.
20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a datum but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''
22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''
24. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve Essen in here''
25. The other Tag I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I sagte ''Did Du get my drift?''.
26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
27. Went to the paper Shop - it had blown away.
28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their Kürzlich tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he sagte ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
29. I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ''Are Du two an item?''
30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other Tag I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this ente came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''.
32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''
33. I was having abendessen with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions''.
36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
37. I swear, the other Tag I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it sagte ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if Du opened it and a socket set fell out!''
38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a schildkröte disaster
39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, ''Who's that calling at this time?' ''I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!''
40. I sagte to this train driver ''I want to go to Paris". He sagte ''Eurostar?'' I said, ''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''.
41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kajak were chilly. But when they lit a feuer in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that Du can't have your kajak and heat it.
42. I've got a friend who's fallen in Liebe with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
43. Du see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''
45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
46. I'll tell Du what I Liebe doing Mehr than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
48. Went to the corner Shop - bought 4 corners.
49. A dichtung walks into a club...
50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.
[HK]
A joke about a male bus passenger insulting a woman's ugly baby has been voted the funniest gag ever told. Researchers examined Mehr than 1,000 jokes before whittling them down to a final 50 and getting 36,000 people to vote for their favourites. Source: Onepoll.com
Comedy genius Tommy Cooper had Von far the most jokes in the list, which also includes gags Von Peter Kay and Lee Evans.
Jokes ranged from the legendary one-liner about a zoo with just one dog being a 'shitzu' - to ones about wives, husbands, blondes and foreigners.
The study was carried out after Tim Vine's joke "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell Du what, never again." was voted the best of this year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival.
A spokesman for OnePoll, which carried out the research, said: "The majority of these jokes are clean and genuinely funny - but a lot are pretty subjective and what one person finds hilarious, someone else may not.
"It's nice to see jokes from the greats like Tommy Cooper and Les Dawson are still up there and the ugly baby tale is a worthy winner.
"Many of the jokes in the Liste are fairly timeless and will still be making people chuckle in thirty years oder more."TOP 50 JOKES OF ALL TIME
1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man Weiter to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
2. ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''
3. ''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''
4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun Shop and buys a handgun. The Weiter Tag she comes Home to find her husband in bett with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I sagte to the Gym instructor "Can Du teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.
6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in Liebe - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop Singen the 'Green Green gras, grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've Lost three days already.
10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''
11. I went to the doctors the other Tag and I said, 'Have Du got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.
12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.
14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''
15. There's two fisch in a tank, and one says ''How do Du drive this thing?''
16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other Tag but I couldn't find any.
17. When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I Liebe the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.
18. ''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''
19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to Berichten a nuisance caller'', he sagte ''Not Du again''.
20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a datum but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
21. A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''
22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.
23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''
24. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve Essen in here''
25. The other Tag I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I sagte ''Did Du get my drift?''.
26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
27. Went to the paper Shop - it had blown away.
28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their Kürzlich tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he sagte ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
29. I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ''Are Du two an item?''
30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other Tag I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this ente came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''.
32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''
33. I was having abendessen with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions''.
36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.
37. I swear, the other Tag I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it sagte ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if Du opened it and a socket set fell out!''
38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a schildkröte disaster
39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, ''Who's that calling at this time?' ''I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!''
40. I sagte to this train driver ''I want to go to Paris". He sagte ''Eurostar?'' I said, ''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''.
41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kajak were chilly. But when they lit a feuer in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that Du can't have your kajak and heat it.
42. I've got a friend who's fallen in Liebe with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
43. Du see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''
45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
46. I'll tell Du what I Liebe doing Mehr than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
48. Went to the corner Shop - bought 4 corners.
49. A dichtung walks into a club...
50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.
~ barium tetraiodomercurate
~ barium hexafluorosilicate
~ beryllium acetylacetonate
~ barium pyrovanadate
~ dichlorodifluoromethanefreon
~ trichloromethanemethyl trichloride
~ dimethylsulfoniopropionate
~ tetrahydrocannabinol
~ nitridotriphosphorous hexafluoride
~ pentafluorosulfanyldifluoroamine
~ aluminium-gallium-indium phosphide
~bismuth nitrate pentahydrate
~ tetrafluoroethylene
~ bromoisobutyric acid
~ cyclopentadienyl anion
~ acetylbutyric acid
~ butyl glyoxylate
~ hydroxypropyl acrylate
~ propyl pyruvate
~ decaprenoastaxanthin
~ barium hexafluorosilicate
~ beryllium acetylacetonate
~ barium pyrovanadate
~ dichlorodifluoromethanefreon
~ trichloromethanemethyl trichloride
~ dimethylsulfoniopropionate
~ tetrahydrocannabinol
~ nitridotriphosphorous hexafluoride
~ pentafluorosulfanyldifluoroamine
~ aluminium-gallium-indium phosphide
~bismuth nitrate pentahydrate
~ tetrafluoroethylene
~ bromoisobutyric acid
~ cyclopentadienyl anion
~ acetylbutyric acid
~ butyl glyoxylate
~ hydroxypropyl acrylate
~ propyl pyruvate
~ decaprenoastaxanthin
I'm back again! I'm reviewing Godzilla 2014!
Plot: Godzilla must defeat the evil MUTO, with the help of scientists and soldiers.
This movie...is one of the most Filme of 2014! The effects were beautiful, the fights were amazing, and everything was just awesome!
Score: 5/5
Music: The score was amazing...the Shakuhachi made the atmosphere feel great!
Score: 5/5
Characters(Heroes): While I will admit that Godzilla doesn't appear til' about 45 Minuten in. And the human characters are alright. Ken Watanabe plays probably the most awesome scientist ever!
Score: 4/5
Characters(Villains): The MUTOs are both amazing! Its a great display of Sexual Dimorpisim (The Male MUTO can fly, and the Female MUTO has eight legs).
Score: 4/5
Final Thoughts: If Du want to start watching Godzilla movies, put this on the list!
Final Score: 18/20
Would I recommend it? YES
Plot: Godzilla must defeat the evil MUTO, with the help of scientists and soldiers.
This movie...is one of the most Filme of 2014! The effects were beautiful, the fights were amazing, and everything was just awesome!
Score: 5/5
Music: The score was amazing...the Shakuhachi made the atmosphere feel great!
Score: 5/5
Characters(Heroes): While I will admit that Godzilla doesn't appear til' about 45 Minuten in. And the human characters are alright. Ken Watanabe plays probably the most awesome scientist ever!
Score: 4/5
Characters(Villains): The MUTOs are both amazing! Its a great display of Sexual Dimorpisim (The Male MUTO can fly, and the Female MUTO has eight legs).
Score: 4/5
Final Thoughts: If Du want to start watching Godzilla movies, put this on the list!
Final Score: 18/20
Would I recommend it? YES
Hi I'm back! And today I shall be reviewing Maleficent!
Plot: The evil Maleficent returns in this modern re-telling of Sleeping Beauty!
This movie should not have been called a "Re-Telling", it's completely different! Why did they make Maleficent the hero?! And the ending made no sense!
Score: 2/5
Music: Now I'll admit it, I thought the Musik was so-so. I liked "Once Upon a Dream" was pretty good.
Score: 3/5
Characters(Heroes): I thought that Elle Fanning was adorable as Aurora. And Brenton Thwaites was a pretty good Prince Phillip. The 3 Fairy Godparents were annoying.
Score: 3/5
Characters(Villains): I thought it was an odd choice picking Angelina Jolie to play Maleficent. The odd thing was I never felt sorry for her. She curses an infant for Godzilla's sake!
Score: 1/5
Final Thoughts: If Du are into villains being shown as heroes, this movie is for you. For anyone else, no.
Final Score: 9/20
Would I recommend it? NO
Plot: The evil Maleficent returns in this modern re-telling of Sleeping Beauty!
This movie should not have been called a "Re-Telling", it's completely different! Why did they make Maleficent the hero?! And the ending made no sense!
Score: 2/5
Music: Now I'll admit it, I thought the Musik was so-so. I liked "Once Upon a Dream" was pretty good.
Score: 3/5
Characters(Heroes): I thought that Elle Fanning was adorable as Aurora. And Brenton Thwaites was a pretty good Prince Phillip. The 3 Fairy Godparents were annoying.
Score: 3/5
Characters(Villains): I thought it was an odd choice picking Angelina Jolie to play Maleficent. The odd thing was I never felt sorry for her. She curses an infant for Godzilla's sake!
Score: 1/5
Final Thoughts: If Du are into villains being shown as heroes, this movie is for you. For anyone else, no.
Final Score: 9/20
Would I recommend it? NO
Rant 2: Geewuners!
I'm baaack!
Here's something that annoys me: Geewuners!
If you're new to the concept, Geewuners are people who are Fans of Transformers G1 and think that everything is crap! Not all G1 Fans are Geewuners, as I like G1 myself. But the difference between me and Geewuners is that I like Armada, Beast Wars, Beast Wars 2, Beast Wars Neo, Beast Machines, Robots in Disguise, Cybertron, Energon, Bayformers, Prime, and Go!
I know that they want to keep their "Nostalgia", but come on, it's not just for you. Just ask the millions of people who watch and buy Micheal Bay's Transformers.
On a different note, people should open their minds to the Transformers 4 Dinobots. I know they're not G1 Dinobots, but their not supposed to be!
I just think that Geewuners should open their minds to other series.
I'm baaack!
Here's something that annoys me: Geewuners!
If you're new to the concept, Geewuners are people who are Fans of Transformers G1 and think that everything is crap! Not all G1 Fans are Geewuners, as I like G1 myself. But the difference between me and Geewuners is that I like Armada, Beast Wars, Beast Wars 2, Beast Wars Neo, Beast Machines, Robots in Disguise, Cybertron, Energon, Bayformers, Prime, and Go!
I know that they want to keep their "Nostalgia", but come on, it's not just for you. Just ask the millions of people who watch and buy Micheal Bay's Transformers.
On a different note, people should open their minds to the Transformers 4 Dinobots. I know they're not G1 Dinobots, but their not supposed to be!
I just think that Geewuners should open their minds to other series.
Thank Du so much if Du do check my Profil out and PM me Du have no idea how much that means to me <3
