“ Killing someone with a spoon is not bad, but I prefer the chainsaw it's faster.”
~ Serial Killer on spoons

Du found out Du hate someone. No, not just hate. Du FUCKING hate them. No, not just FUCKING hate them, Du wanna strangle them until their head pops off then shove it down the loo but then it'll go into the sewers and then the police/the fuzz/cops/pigs/gorillas will be like, all, "omfg wutt iz goin on why iz der a hed in me toilet" and then they'll find you're fingerprint on them and be all "haha we fund woo it was it was [insert name here] and then Du be like "omgomgomg" and then Du get into prison and then rot there and turn into a ghost and the only thing Du can do is go onto Uncyclopedia and look up how to kill people with Spoons.

Not that I would know, of course.

But Du Liebe Spoons. Spoons are sexy. Someone is not. Someone out there is NOT sexy. Whether that's you, yourself, oder maybe perhaps YOU, That someone shall be your victim. And your victim Shall die... Von SPOON.

STEP ONE

1) First, Du need a good Spoon...like a big suppe Spoon. 2) Find the person Du hate / oder someone that Du want to kill with the Spoon! 3) Make sure Du take them somewhere secret where no-one can hear them screaming. 4) Duct tape their mouth and hands together, but don't forget to duct tape their legs together in case they try to run! 5) start threatening them that your gonna hurt their kitten!

STEP TWO

Learn the ancient art of Tai-Spong.

For many thousands of years, Buddhist monks in the Shaolin temple had denied their existence. They will always say "There is no Spoon", but this was a diversion to hide the terrible truth, of the deadly art of Tai-Spong. Of course, Tai-Spong doesn't actually matter, only whether Du hate that someone oder not. But Du do hate them. That's why Du are killing them...with a Spoon.

STEP THREE

Know your victim:

* How much do they weigh?
* Is he/she physically fit?
* Is it Tuesday?
* Do Du own a kitten?
* Do Du like honey?
* How far away are Du from the moon?
* Do they have a family?
* Do Du have a family?
* Why don't Du have a family?

Of course, none of these Fragen actually matter, only whether Du hate that someone oder not. But Du do hate them. That's why Du are killing them...with a Spoon.

STEP FOUR

Du need to choose your weapon (see step 1) and practice with it (ask the hospitals for a free corpse to train on oder just find a daycare, and use a sleeping child). Du need to sneak up on your victim (when he is masturbating oder taking a bath oder something like that) And of course:Atttaaaaackkk!!!