This is from January 30th.

Think before Du speak.
Crimson tears release the pain...
But no one understands why
You're alone, nothing...no one
Happiness is a figment of our
Imaginations
There is no such thing as happy.
No one hears your cry for help...
And no one cares anyway
They all say 'no don't do it'
But I don't care.
I can't care.
I don't want to care.
I'm tired of caring.
I'm sick of caring.
So I read my scars to the world
And tell them why
The red velvet tears
Stain the floor
With my everlasting pain
The pain that always stays
The pain that won't go.
All of them did this to me.
I trust no one xxxx
The pain subsides
You're left with scars
The tears are gone
And Du feel the pain again
You're left with no relief
No hope for life.
Please don't hurt me
No Liebe No Liebe No Mehr No More
I'm a rebel...I get attention
But no one notices
I don't want to be noticed
All I hear is hate
All I feel is pain
And then I reach for the blade
I see my wrists and I get that gut feeling
I wish it would all go away
I wish someone could understand
There's a cold world outside my window
There is no welcoming open door
The only warmth is death
The eternal sleep that gives Du the peace
And quiet you've hoped for
Every1 thinks I'm this and that
And the other
But I'm not - I just don't like people
I never wanted this
I don't want it anymore
But I'm used to the solitude
What's dark is light
What's light is dark
What Du though was yours
Belongs to someone else
I'm only left with longing...desire
But in the end, you--I--we--everyone knows
that there is no hope.
Du can't see through the tears
Of clear water
The fog of pain
The blur of uncertainty
But Du can see through the red
Du know what it means--feels like
I know what it feels like--means
The horrors of living are up against the welcome
of decease--mortality--death.
Du stand up, Du speak up
But you're mute--unheard--ignored.
There is no one to guide me.
There is no one to guide you.
There is no one to guide the world
There is no one to ease the pain
Du say 'stop' and Du beg for mercy
But Du mean--are nothing to
the greater population
'You'll be fine' they said
'It'll be okay' they said
'Don't worry' they said.
But they're assholes--retards--stupid--ignorant
Every single one of them
Pretends they know what I go through every
day--night--second
of my life
People try to make choices for me, for you
For everyone
We live in a horrid state of nature
But no one knows--cares
Am I the only one who will fall
Into the abyss of death--pain--failure?
They're all leaving
No one says goodbye though
No farewell
No adios
No tchau
I'm just left empty
Wondering what I'll make of myself
Of my life
I'm sorry but...
Physics doesn't say "I Liebe you."
Then again, no one will anyway.
No one cares anyway.
Racing through my veins is a substance
One that keeps me alive even though
I wish I wasn't [here]
I wish I wasn't me
I'm tired of existing on a lonely planet
Called Nothing--Nowhere--__________
Scrape--Slit--Cut--Scar
Scrape--Slit--Cut--Scar
Tag after Day
Monat after Month
Eternity after Eternity
The never-ending pain of being alive--not being dead
This isn't life.
This is disaster.
This is Xante.

[31.1.2013]
--X.E.E.D.S.S.R.