The Western Tractor
Von Kornez


What do Du get if Du kreuz a cowboy who lives in the west, and a traktor that he thinks is a horse?
Let's find out.

Chapter 1: Ivan

“Get your ugly lug off my lawn!” A farmer shouted at a man who was trying to lead his schaf, schafe off of the farmers property.
“I will count to three, if they not off, I'll turn 'em into pillows!” The farmer shouted holding up his shot gun.
The shepherd quickly had his schaf, schafe away in an instant.
“Hey kid!” The farmer shouted.
“Yeah?” The shepherd asked nervously.
“That was fun, come back again sometime, it gets rather boring over here,” sagte The farmer.
“Uh, sure,” sagte the shepherd a bit puzzled Von the farmers sudden friendliness.
He quickly moved his schaf, schafe out of sight.
“Hope I didn't spook him too hard, wouldn't want a boy to be scared of a grump like me,” sagte the farmer to himself. “Quite the nice kid, sure I scared him, but he'll be back.”
The shepherd was there the Weiter Tag and so was the farmer.
“Your just in time kid,” sagte he.
“Your not gonna shoot me?” The shepherd asked uneasily.
“Stay off mah lawn and no bullet will touch you,” sagte the farmer.
The shepherd just nodded.
“Now go before I shoot till the cows come home,” sagte the farmer.
“What's your name?” The shepherd asked.
“They call me Ivan,” sagte the farmer.
“You can call me Will,” sagte the shepherd.
“Huh, Will the shepherd,” Muttered Ivan.
“Well, I'll see Du around,” sagte Will walking away.
As soon as he was gone Ivan fired his gun at a Canadian goose.
“Why do I feel like I'm going to like this kid?” He asked himself.
He kicked a kettle and then stared at his mais stalks.
“Bah, this place needs a trim, I don't know where to find a horse,” He muttered to himself.
Chapter 2: The tractor
“What no good lowdown rats been eating mah corn?” Ivan shouted.
Will was walking Von just in time to see Ivan raving and ranting at what was left of his corn.
“Must have been bugs and geese,” sagte Will.
“What in tar-nation?” Ivan asked spinning around.
“Hi Ivan,” sagte Will.
“What's going Will?” Replied Ivan quietly.
He blinked.
“I sound like a softy, what Du doing on my lawn, get off!” Ivan shouted.
Will couldn't help but smile, Ivan might have been Schauspielen big and bad, but he had a friendly heart.
“I wanted to see if Du needed a hand,” sagte Will.
Ivan looked surprised.
“Do Du know how to harvest corn?” He asked.
'Yeah,” Will replied.
“Well, Du can grab what's left and take it Home with you, but don't tell anyone I gave them to you, I is no ladies man,” sagte Ivan.
“Not a soul,” sagte Will.
Will began to harvest what was left of Ivan's precious corn, as he did he looked back at Ivan who was watching. When Will was done, Ivan took a stalk from him.
“Pay your taxes,” sagte Ivan grinning.
“You sly varmint,” Grinned Will.
“Get going kid,” sagte Ivan.
The Weiter Tag Will came running to Ivan's ranch.
“Why the rush kid, did yer house burn down?” Ivan asked.
“No, come see what I found,” sagte Will gasping.
Ivan followed Will to a empty junkyard. In the very center was a tractor. Ivan walked up to it and looked it over.
“What a pretty horse,” sagte he.
Will blinked.
“It's a tractor,” He said.
“Where I come from, its called a horse, so a horse it shall be,” sagte Ivan.
He looked at the speed gauge.
“She's a fast one, thirty five miles per hour,” sagte he.
Ivan looked at Will.
“Where's the manager of this place, I want it,” He said.
They soon were towing Ivan's 'horse' to his ranch. After they set it down he chased all the crew off his lawn. He told Will he'd have it snorting Von Tag break. When Will came back the Weiter Tag he heard Ivan.
“Yee haw, look at me go!” Ivan shouted speeding past Will.
He turned and drove up to Will. He turned the noise of the engine down to a silent hum.
“Works like a glove,” sagte he.
“Used,” Will said.
“Works like a smooth machine,” sagte Ivan.
“Used,” sagte Will grinning.
Ivan gave a shout.
“Works like a horse, is that taken?” Asked he.
“Yup,” Replied Will.
“Aaaagh, what does it work like then?” He asked.
“Like a friendship,” sagte Will.
Ivan sat and looked at the traktor then at Will.
“Works like a Pferde friendship and a farmers dignity,” sagte he.
Will rolled his eyes.
“Well, I'll be driving this horse over my grass, it needs it,” sagte Ivan.
He turned up the engine and spun around and with a 'yee haw' he sped off to his ranch.

Chapter 3: Its a horse!
Every time Will came by, there was Ivan speeding around like a kid who just got his drivers license. Yeah, he was nuts. He drove over to Will.
“Come on, I want to Zeigen her off to the other farmers,” sagte he.
He looked at my surprised look.
“Of course I'll let Du come along, what am I, a moron?” He asked.
I jumped on the back.
“Hold on back there, I don't want Du to flying like a overzealous gänschen, gosling on first day,” sagte he.
The traktor gave a lurch and we shot away from his ranch.
“Look at me, I'm riding a horse, a horse, a horse, look at me I'm riding a horse, the tamest thing you'd ever laid eyes on,” He sang.
I chuckled to myself.
He stopped at a farm.
“Hey Judd!”He shouted.
Judd looked up.
“Check out mah horse,” Boasted Ivan.
“Nice tractor,” sagte Judd.
Ivan threw an empty can of pineapple at Judd.
“Its a horse, Du arrogant insect!” He growled.
Judd took a step back, I guess he was trying to imagine Ivan on a horse.
“Now that I think of it, yes, it is a horse,” sagte he.
Ivan tossed him a box of Hershey's.
“Don't tell anyone I gave Du those, I'm no ladies man,” sagte he.
“Oh I won't,” sagte Judd.
We shot away.
“Hey Marley, check out my horse!” Ivan shouted.
Marley looked out of his house window.
“Nice tractor,” He said.
“You blind baboon, its a horse!” Shouted Ivan.
“Okay Ivan, its a horse, no need to be so vulgar,” sagte Marley.
“Quit Schauspielen blind and I'll think about it,” sagte Ivan.
He tossed Marley a case with glasses inside.
“Don't tell anyone I gave Du those, I”m no ladies man,” sagte Ivan.
Marley nodded then shut the window. We went to all kinds of farms and the majority sagte Ivan's horse was a tractor, each time he'd call them something funny. After they admitted it was a horse, he'd give them a treat of Süßigkeiten oder something sugary and tell them the same thing he told the others. Something tells me, that he was a ladies man, he just wouldn't admit it. The moment of truth came when we stopped at a pretty looking house.
“I'll be back,” sagte he.
He walked up to the door and knocked. The door opened to reveal a young girl.
“Like my horse?” He asked pointing.
“Yes, its very strong looking,” sagte the girl.
“Is Marie here?” Ivan asked.
“She is,” sagte the girl.
A much taller girl cam to the door. Ivan removed his hat and stared at her quietly.
“I found a horse today,” sagte he.
Marie looked at the 'horse' then at Ivan in a kreuz way.
“Its a TRACTOR, Ivan, quit spreading lies and tell the truth for once,” Marie yelled.
She slammed the door in his face.
Ivan quietly put his hat back on and slowly walked back like his whole world had been shattered. He looked up at Will.
“I am no ladies man,” sagte he quietly.
“I see that,” sagte Will.
“Marie is a long story, a story that never began,” sagte Ivan quietly.
He drove back to his ranch, he never showed off. Ivan parked the traktor and turned to Will.
“Go home,” He said.
And then he left me standing there.
“For crying out loud, its a traktor horse!” Yelled Ivan the Weiter Tag to some passerby.
“Nice horse Ivan,” sagte Will.
“Don't Du ever come back!” Ivan shouted then turned to me.
“Thank ya Will, your a man with some sense,” sagte he.
“Who was that anyway?” Will asked.
“Some guy who wanted mah land and I took my horse and snorted in his eye,” Replied Ivan.
“You drove off the government?” Asked Will.
“Yeah, never liked the suit guys anyhow,” sagte Ivan.
“They'll be back,” sagte I.
“And I'll drive them off again, this is my land, I have a shot gun and rights,” Ivan said.
“They have tanks,” sagte I.
“You mean the ones that shoot shells?” Gasped Ivan.
“Yup,” I said.
“Eh, they can try,” sagte Ivan grinning.
We drove back to Marie's manor.
Ivan knocked.
Marie barley opened the door, she opened it at a crack then slammed it.
“Marie Wait!” Shouted Ivan.
“I'm sorry, about last night, your right, its just a tractor, but to me its a horse, because of were I come from,” sagte Ivan.
“Coming from a land of lunatics and liars!” Marie shouted from the interior of the house.
Something thumped against the door. Ivan walked back to his tractor. The door opened.
“IVAN!” Marie shouted.
Ivan froze then turned and stared at Marie.
“Miss Marie,” sagte Ivan removing his hat.
“If, and I mean 'if' your seriously sorry for telling a lie, Du can turn yourself around and Du tell all the others that, that traktor and Du are a buffoon,” sagte Marie.
“A buffoon eh,” Muttered Ivan.
He looked up at Marie.
“Why bother destroying my honor over such a stupid joke?” He asked.
“What honor?” Marie asked as she slammed the door.
Ivan looked back at me.
“No ladies man, nope, not at all,” He said.
“What's with her?” Asked I.
“She's not like Ivan, who loves a laugh and a little fun, she's stubborn and holds a grudge,” sagte Ivan.
“I noticed,” sagte I.
“I Liebe the fuel this horse guzzles, its amazing,” Ivan sagte the Weiter day.
“Did the government guy, yeah he did, threatened they'd take the place right out from under me,” sagte Ivan.
“What are Du going to do?” I asked.
“Put up a fight, I inherited and actually bought this land, they won't get it back,” sagte Ivan.
“I sure hope so,” sagte I.

Chapter 4: Ivan vs the government
Ivan sat staring at the bank employee with a look of contempt.
“The government and the bank wants that land Du have there Ivan, why don't Du just take the money and go?” The employee asked.
Ivan put his hands on the table, leaned vorwärts-, nach vorn and looked a the man square in the eye.
“Look mister suit, Du can go to your employers whom Du sold your soul to for money and can weep, wail, and rant about me all Du want, but get this, that land, is mine and not Du nor anything else in this universe can take it away from me, get the idea?” Ivan asked in a calm but serious tone.
The bank guy stared aback at him with wide eyes.
“Yeah,” He sagte shakily. “I get the idea.”
Ivan stood up.
“Let's go Will, we're finished here,” sagte he.
As soon as we were outside the building Ivan exploded in laughter.
“Aw yeah, I showed them, I showed them!” He shouted.
“They'll probably bring the cavalry,” sagte I.
“Let them,” Chuckled Ivan.
He looked at me.
“Will, when a farmers property is being threatened, its not just his problem, its the whole farming communities problem,” sagte he.
“You don't mean-” I started.
“Yes Will, all the other farmers know how hard I toil on that farm, they'll all jump in,” sagte Ivan.
“And Marie?” I asked.
Ivan shrugged.
“She'll stand on the sidelines,” He said.
There they were the Weiter morning all the farmers with tier guns.
“You don't usually let us onto your land Ivan, so this must be important,” sagte Judd.
“Well savor your chance, it may be the last farm land you'll ever see,” Ivan sagte Wird geladen his gun.
Marie came and everyone except Ivan removed their hats.
“What are Du up to Ivan?” She asked.
“Defending the honor and dignity of ones farm,” Ivan replied.
“From what?” Asked Marie.
“The government,” sagte a farmer.
Marie scoffed.
“You've been lying again haven't you?” Marie asked.
“Great, here she goes again,” Ivan groaned under his breath.
“You see that tractor?” Marie snapped pointing at Ivan's horse.
“Yeah, its Ivan's horse, what about it?” Judd asked.
“Its a traktor Du nit wits!” Marie shouted.
“He's been full out, full blown, bold face, lying to you,” sagte she.
“When it comes to the government its no lying matter,” sagte Marley.
“The government doesn't want this land, hasn't wanted it in years,” sagte Marie.
“Exactly why they send me this,” sagte Ivan pulling out a sheet of paper.
He tried to give it to Marie but she didn't move, she stared at him with eyes of bitter hatred.
“Fine I'll read it,” Ivan muttered.
“You have one day, to evict your houses take whatever belongs to Du personally. The diggers will be there soon,” Read he.
“It goes on a bit more,” sagte Ivan.
“Refusal to cooperate will result in death as we have also sent troops, in case Du are still there.” Ivan read.
He looked at Marie.
“I'm not lying this time Marie, in fact I never did lie to you, I only asked for a little fun, the only lie Du have is the one that Du keep telling yourself everyday, that Ivan is a crook and deserves to be shunned, true I do deserve to be shunned, but that's not why I'm here, I'm here to protect my Home and if Du can't fathom that then please, get off my lawn,” sagte he.
Marie just stared.
Ivan picked up his gun and aimed it at her, so did the others.
“I don't want to force Du off Marie, I'm asking Du gently,” Ivan said.
Marie still didn't move. Ivan shot the ground.
“I'm no ladies man Marie, please leave,” sagte he.
“No, your not a man at all, your a sniveling coward hiding behind a gun and a lie!” Shouted Marie.
She turned and stormed away.
“Marie and I met some time Vor at a school,” sagte Ivan.
I turned.
“She was a smart one, one who knew how to tell the difference between a apfel, apple and a tomato,” Ivan said.
“What happened?” I asked.
Ivan looked at me.
“Life Will, life happened,” sagte he.
We heard the droning of machines in the distance. Out lookout did hand signals to Ivan.
“Three dump trucks, four back hoes, a cement track and a nice large legion of soldiers,” sagte Ivan.
The man did Mehr signals.
“Make that five backhoes, and a scoop, two of them,” Ivan said.
“Sounds thrilling,” sagte I.
“Tell me about it,” Ivan chuckled.
He turned to his friends.
“Boys, we may oder we may not, live through this, if we do live through this, I have a nice stash of cider in the cellar,” sagte Ivan.
The farmers cheered. Ivan held up his hand and the farmers fell silent.
“However, if we all die defending this land, well, lets make it worth remembering,” sagte he.
Soon we were ready, Pistolen in hand and eyes peeled.
“What kind of cider do Du have?” Judd asked.
“The kind that's rememberable,” Replied Ivan.
“Oh, I Liebe that stuff,” sagte Marley.
“Focus guys, here thy come!” The lookout shouted.
Ivan jumped out with his gun in hand.
“Ivan,” sagte the guy in the suit.
“We gently told Du to leave, now do we have to force Du out?” He asked.
“Me, force me out, sir, your gonna have to force them out,” sagte Ivan.
“Them?” Asked the man in the suit.
All the other farmers popped out with their Pistolen in hand.
“Mister suit, this is our land, and now I'm askin' nicely, get off my lawn,” sagte Ivan.
The guy in the suit sighed.
“I tried.” sagte he.
“This isn't your land anyways, this is Gods,” sagte Ivan.
“Fire.” sagte the guy in the suit.
Ivan jumped for cover as bullets rained down. We fought back and we fought hard, we Lost quiet a few farmers. Ivan jumped on his horse and with Will driving shot soldiers.
“With a bang, bang here, and a bang bang there, old mic Ivan had a farm, e, I, e, I o!” Ivan sang.
One of the soldiers shot a bazooka, panzerfaust under them and they flew forwards. We should have died but somehow we lived. The horse exploded.
“You know, now that I look at it, it is just a lawn mower,” sagte Ivan.
“Really, I hadn't noticed,” sagte I.
“But if there is one thing I still am, its a farmer!” Ivan shouted.
He shot a soldier. The farmers cheered as whatever was left of the legion and construction vehicles drove away.

Chapter 5: Marie
When Marie met Ivan she was a blooming young lady who never knew adventure in her entire career. Ivan's imagination and wisecracking attitude brought Marie to a world of farming and grumpy farmers. Marie helped Ivan tend to his farm, back then, he let anyone step on his lawn, he didn't mind. But Marie secretly despised Ivan's imagination since he liked to create things into a practical joke. She confronted him one Tag when he had his eye on a ed tractor, she told him to stop being stupid and look at reality. Ivan told her out of humor that he loved her Mehr then the tractor. She thought he was lying, but as Ivan would reveal years later, she was the one living in the lie, the lie that there is no such thing as adventure in the real world. She abandoned Ivan and he became cold. Until Will came that is. Today Ivan walks to Marie's manor to face her one last time.
“How much do Du bet?” Ivan asked.
“I bet thirty she'll slam the door in your face,” sagte I.
“Let's give it a shot,” sagte Ivan grinning.
He walked up to the door and took a breath.
“This is it Ivan, moment of truth,” He muttered.
He knocked. He knocked again then the door slowly opened. It wasn't closed. To Will's surprise Ivan rushed in.
“Will get a doctor!” He shouted from the inside of the house.
I shot to the nearest office I could find and we came running.
“Well it seems Du caught her just in time, she'll live,” sagte the doctor emerging from the room.
“Could someone explain what happened?” I asked.
“Will, she tried to hang herself,” sagte Ivan.
I blinked.
“That goodness we came, any longer and she'd be gone,” sagte Ivan.
“Ivan?” Marie's voice rang out from the bett room.
Ivan opened the door slowly. Marie was sitting up and gently touching her neck.
“You hated me,” sagte she.
“I only hated the lie Du told yourself,” sagte Ivan.
“But there really is adventure out there, right?” Asked Marie.
“If Du accept the path God ordained for you, then yes,” sagte Ivan.
Marie looked up at Ivan.
“I'm so sorry Ivan, truly I am, I thought Du were Lost when really, it was me, trapped in a box of rules and regulations and full of bitterness,” sagte Marie.
“Your forgiven Marie,” Ivan said.
Marie stood.
“I'll be a good farmer, have some imagination, I'll do my best,” sagte She.
Ivan put a hand on Marie's shoulder.
“Marie, your wonderful just the way Du are, but if Du wish to learn creativity Du must chose whether oder not Du were gegeben it,” sagte Ivan.
“I want to be creative like Du Ivan,” sagte Marie.
Ivan laughed.
“I'm just a farmer Marie, there's nothing special about that, I just like making up things to pass the time,” He said.
“Can I be your wife?” Marie blurted.
Ivan blinked.
“I am no longer a ladies man Marie,” sagte Ivan.
“Well to me, Du are,” sagte Marie.
Marie had broken out of her shell and finally came to realize that life had its adventures. The wedding was wonderful and all the farmers were there. Ivan never did get another horse, but he did open up his cellar. Today Will still visits them. Ivan is still as cranky as ever about his lawn and Marie is as sweet as a dove. But if there is something Du and I both know, its that Ivan....was always, always, a ladies man.
The end.