Cheryl: Viola, darling. Remember, chew like Du have a secret...
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Andrew: Well Hey there pretty lady.
Monique: Ew! What... what are Du hitting on me?
Andrew: I was just...
Monique: [mimicking] "I was just... nyuh". OK, let me put a stop to that little brain fart right now. Girls with asses like mine do not talk to boys with faces like yours
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Monique: [Trying to distract Paul, Kia, and Yvonne so that she can get into the Moon Bounce to talk to Viola who she thinks is Sebastian] What's that?
Kia: [Follows Monique's finger]
Paul: [Still looking at Monique] Kia, don't look.
Kia: [Looks back at Monique, looks down, disappointed]
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Viola: Du know it bro'
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Viola: [as Sebastian] I gott be completely honest. The whole dissecting thing kinda freaks me out, so uh... i think Du may have to take the reins on this one.
Olivia: Wow, most guys would have never admit that.
Viola: Oh crap! Your right.
Olivia: No, don't worry i think it's refreshing.
Viola: Du do?
Malcolm: [interupts] No paper near the bunsen burner.
Viola: Wait!
Olivia: What's this? poems?
Viola: Lyrics. They're his... my, my old stuff.
Olivia: [reading] "Wake up i've been waiting for you".
[Finishes]
Olivia: Those are really good. So honest.
Viola: I know. I keep telling him... me... meself... my... myself.
Malcolm: I write songs too, Olivia.
Olivia: Really? Wonderful.
Malcolm: Check it out.
[sings]
Malcolm: I see Du through your window, while I'm standing on a baum outside
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Viola: I get to take a shower. I get to take a shower.
Malcolm: [startled gasp then realizes he forgot to introduce himself] Malcolm Festes, Dorm Director. dusche shoes are to be worn in the bathroom at all times except when in the actual shower... Did Du not read your "Dorm Life" pamphlet? It was in your cubby.
[Duke walks in and hits Malcolm behind the head with a towel. Malcolm emits a high-pitched squeal]
Viola: Sup dog?
Duke: Yeah, what's kickin', homie?
Viola: Later.
Duke: Hey, Du forgot, ew...
[holding up Viola's chest bandage]
Duke: This, coolio.
Viola: Word, g-money.
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[first lines]
Justin: Oh! She shoots, she scores! Goal!
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Viola: [Viola's mom shows her a dress] Echh. No. Sorry, Mom. I have a strict no-ruffles policy.
Daphne: Sometimes I just think Du just might as well be your brother.
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Coach Pistonek: Yeah. Yeah. NO. No playing. Du have to forfeit. There's no girls in this league. Here, look in the manual.
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Coach Dinklage: [shouted] Break it up. Break it up. Okay, tough guys. Du want to box, then get out of my stadium. oder otherwise, get on with the game. All right? That goes for the rest of ya. Now get on and play some real football.Like a bunch of girls.
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Daphne: Du did all this to play soccer?
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Viola: So, what brings Du here?
Duke: Well, a few days Vor I kissed this girl at a Küssen booth. And now, I just can't seem to stop thinking about it.
Viola: Neither can she.
Duke: Plus, I miss my roommate. I really liked him.
Viola: Well, he's right in here.
[pointing to her heart]
Viola: . Listen, I know I should have told Du who I was, but I was afraid. I'm Sorry.
Duke: Well, Du know maybe if I had know Du were a girl, we wouldn't have talked like we did, and got to know each other the same way. And that would've been a shame.
Viola: Just so Du know, everything Du told me when I was a guy, just made me like Du so much Mehr as a girl.
Duke: Ok, but just from here on in, everything would just be alot easier if Du stayed a girl.
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Justin: [kisses Viola] Ok, Du are really getting good.
Viola: Aw, Du too. I mean when we first started going out, Du couldn't KISS at all.
Justin: I meant at soccer.
Viola: Aw, really?
Justin: Absolutely. You're already better than half the guys on my team.
Viola: Hmm... probably Mehr than half.
[kisses justin]
Justin: What do Du mean I couldn't KISS at all?
Viola: Don't worry, I've taught Du well.
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Duke: Why, why do Du always talk about girls in such graphic terms?
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Duke: [Using one of Viola's tampons after getting into a fight with Justin at the carnival] Oh, yeah, I uh, borrowed one of your... yeah... and you're right, they really do work.
Viola: Oh my god you're hurt...
[clears throat]
Viola: I mean, suck it up, be a man and rub some dirt on it
Duke: Okay, I'll rub some dirt in it...
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Daphne: [after hearing about Viola breaking up with Justin] But why? He's so handsome, and rugged, and chiseled, and great.
Viola: Then why don't Du datum him mom?
Daphne: [pauses to fantasize and giggles] oh no... I couldn't.
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Olivia: [to Viola at Küssen booth] Beware the old guy chewing gum... it's not gum.
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Viola: No man... if Du wanna KISS her... Du go right ahead and Du KISS her! I mean, knock your self out! Du just take her... then KISS her. Then KISS the crap out of her!
Duke: Okay
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Toby: [talking about Eunice] She's got a little somethin' somethin'.
Andrew: Yeah... asthma and headgear.
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Viola: Du know how it is. New school, new babe pool.
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Toby: I need your Guter Rat man. I got lady troubles.
Viola: I'm here for Du bro. I got a lifetime of knowledge.
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Viola: So, uh, Du play the beautiful game... bros... brothers... brethren?
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Toby: How come when I wanted to ask Eunice out everyone made fun of me, but then Sebastian likes her and suddenly she's cool? Screw Du guys. I hate high school.
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Duke: I kinda got into it with your sisters ex.
Viola: Really. Why?
Duke: He kinda saw us making out at the Küssen booth.
Viola: Wait... Du kissed her?
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Coach Dinklage: [yelling] LET'S GO! KICK! KILL!
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Justin: [Justin blocks duke's shot] That's right. Didn't score on me last half won't score on this half. I'm a ninja. Ninja Goalie.
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Toby: Seriously, how old are you?
Viola: [as Sebastian] I skipped a couple grades. I'm brilliant. Shh.
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[after getting hit in the crotch with a Fußball ball Von Toby]
Viola: [as Sebastian] Oh. Right. OWW! OH, FOR THE Liebe OF GOD! IT BURNS!
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Duke: I gotta go change my feet.
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Viola: Speaking as a completely objective third party observer with absolutely no personal interest in the matter...
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Viola: Speaking as a completely third party objective with absolutely no personal interest in the matter, I'm not really sure that Du and Olivia really mesh well together.
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Viola: [as Sebastian, watching Kia strut away from him/her in front of Duke, Andrew, and Toby] I'd tap that.
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Principal Gold: What is...? Oh... Getting to know the opposite sex are we? Male female dynamics, all that. Sexual tension... it's all part of the high school experience... Continue, continue, please. But keep it cleaned up. Abstinence is key, abstinence is the best way to not is to not.
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[to Eunice after Olivia and Sebastian/Viola leave Cesarios]
Duke: So... do Du like cheese?
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Duke: [after being left with Eunice in Cesario's] So, uh, do you... like cheese?
Eunice: Mehr than almost any other animal by-product.
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Sebastian: [indicating Viola's false sideburns] Are those real?
Viola: Oh yeah, I'm growing sideburns now- NO!
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Sebastian: [after falling over on the football pitch again] What am I doing? This isn't FUN.
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Toby: Is your sister hot?
Viola: [as Sebastian] Uh... I guess so... she's got a great personality
Toby: Ew
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Viola: Okay, who's your daddy?
Duke: Huh?
Viola: I got her to consider you! You're half way in man!
Duke: Um, uh, ok, so, should I ask her out?
Viola: No. Du don't want to freak her out, you've got to have a casual conversation first, hello?
Viola: [after Duke looks away in frustration] Why do I get the feeling Du don't do this very often?
Duke: Man, I just, I'm not really good at talking to girls.
Viola: Why? You're hot!
Duke: What?
Viola: [clears throat] Ya know, you're an appealing guy- man- guy- guy man.
Duke: Look, I don't know, I just always say the wrong- I just always say the wrong thing.
Viola: OK. Alright, come on, get up. I wanna trying something where I'm gonna act like a girl and you're gonna talk to me, ok?
Duke: Ew. Do, do I have to?
Viola: Yes. Cause, "I'm Viola. Duke, nice to meet you."
Duke: OK, that was creepy. Du really just sounded like a girl just then.
Viola: I used to imitate my sister all the time. I got really good at it. Come on, get up. Ask me some Fragen and if the chemistry's right, things will just start flowin'.
Duke: Fragen about what?
Viola: Anything. Ask me if I like... cheese.
Duke: [laughing] Um, ok. Do you... like... cheese?
Viola: [Girl's voice] Why yes I do. My favourite's gouda.
Duke: I like gouda too?
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Olivia: You're right.
Viola: I know.
Olivia: The Weiter time I see Sebastian, I am gonna march right up to him...
Viola: Du march.
Olivia: ...I'm gonna tell him how I feel...
Viola: Du tell him.
Olivia: ...and then I'm going to KISS him so passionately...
Viola: What?
Olivia: ...that even the people he hates will feel pleasure.
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Viola: I just can't do this.
Paul: Just remember, inside every girl, there's a boy. That came out wrong but Du know what I mean.
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Viola: So what about the thing... we talked about it... that you're gonna do later?...
Duke: What thing? I'm... I'm thingless...
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Coach Pistonek: I don't know that that's a thing that I know.
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Coach Pistonek: Hi girls, heard the bad news.
Viola: Bad? It's a disaster!
Coach Pistonek: I know. Well if there's anything I can help Du with, Du just say the word.
Viola: As a matter of fact, there is. We want to try out for the boy's team.
[Other girls agree]
Coach Pistonek: [laughs] Uh, anything besides that.
Viola: Coach, come on! Du know that we're good enough!
Coach Pistonek: I don't know that that's a thing that I know.
Viola: All we're asking for is one shot.
[Other girls agree]
Coach Pistonek: Girls, we have two weeks before school starts. Then we open against Illyria, a rivalry game. We have to win.
Viola: And we can help Du win.
Justin: Hey, baby. What's going on coach?
Coach Pistonek: Umm, girls here want to try out for the team.
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Viola: What are Du talking about? Why are Du lying?
Justin: Viola! End of discussion.
Viola: FINE. End of relationship.
Justin: Baby, don't be like that. I just don't want to see Du get hurt.
Viola: Aww. Du are so full of...
Coach Pistonek: [whistle blows] Back to practice.
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Viola: ...and when I close my eyes, I see Du for who Du truly are, which is UUUG-LAY.
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Viola: Be a man. Suck it up and rub some dirt in IT.
Duke: All right, I'll rub some dirt on it...
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Sebastian: [talking about musicians] Last time I heard, they don't need to know TRIGONOMETRY.
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Viola: Du know the percentage of bands that actually make it to the big time?
Sebastian: Probably the same as female Fußball players...
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Andrew: [to Duke] Some guys just walk in the light Du know.
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Duke: [at the Küssen booth] What do Du think its going to be like?
Toby: It's going to be really special, she's just about kissed 300 guys at his point.
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Duke: It's just like what Coach says before every game: Be not afraid of greatness, some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them. I think our best chance to be great here today, is to have Du play.
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Viola: [getting into catfight] Du are messing with the wrong man.
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Olivia: We could double. I'm sure Eunice is available.
Eunice: I am so there, it's insane.
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Viola: [as Sebastian] Eunice!
[clears throat]
Viola: Uh, Eunice! Why didn't Du wake me?
Eunice: Du looked so serene. I made breakfast, darling.
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Malcolm: I am convinced he's hiding something.
Principal Gold: Oh, nonsense, Malcolm. He may be a little Lost and confused, but deep down he's an all-american, red-blooded male, just like yourself.
Viola: [walking by, dressed as Sebastian, while on the phone] Mom, I will pick out my own dress. And no, I will not wear high heels. Because heels are a male invention designed to make women's butts look smaller... and to make it harder for them to runaway.
Principal Gold: Malcolm, have Du ever tried to run away in high heels?
Malcolm: No, sir, I...
Principal Gold: Not that easy. Not that easy...
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Viola: What does your herz tell you?
Duke: What?
Viola: I mean... which one would Du rather see NAKED?
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[Viola shows her bare boobs to prove she's a girl and earlier Sebastian showed his privates to prove he's a boy ]
Roger: Is it just me oder this Fußball game have Mehr nudity than most?
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Coach Dinklage: [about to assign shirts and skins] OK, shirts and skins!
Viola: Pardon me, sir. I have to be a shirt.
Coach Dinklage: What?
Viola: I'm allergic to the sun.
Coach Dinklage: ...You're allergic to the sun?
Viola: Very, very, very deathly, deathly allergic.
Coach Dinklage: Well, we like to accomodate here in Illiria, so I'll follow Du around with a parasol. Alright, Nancy boy?
[looks at his clipboard]
Coach Dinklage: You're a shirt.
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Duke: What're Du gonna do, drown me in your tears?
Justin: I did not cry during that game. I had something in my eye.
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Sebastian: Besides, if Du want to chase your dreams, sometimes Du gotta break the rules, right?
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Viola: Du know what? If Du can't Mitmachen 'em, beat 'em.
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Viola: [as Sebastian] Hi, Eunice. Sorry for running out on our date.
Eunice: It's okay. My intensity scares some people.
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Monique: Hello, Viola.
Viola: Oh, boy. This isn't good.
Monique: And hello to Du little... homewrecker.
Olivia: Uh, who are you?
Monique: I am Sebastian's girlfriend.
Viola: Ex-Girl-Friend.
Monique: Okay. Everybody's gotta stop saying that.
Olivia: Oh. Du were the one he dumped at the pizza parlor the other day.
Monique: Nonononononono, he did not dump me. We're just going through a little bit of a rough patch.
Olivia: Oh? I heard he dumped you. He dumped Du big. It was just like a big, huge dumping.
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Andrew: Freshman dorm's that-a-way, twiglet.
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Eunice: [wheezing] I'll be the best lab partner Du ever had
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Principal Gold: [referring to Sebastian] He's probably halfway to China Von now, I mean, he showed his "willis and doodleberries"...
Sebastian: Present!
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Daphne: Nonsense! Du don't need a man to wear a beautiful dress!
Paul: But it doesn't hurt...
[Paul gets down on one knee in front of Viola]
Paul: Viola Hastings it would be my pleasure to escort you.
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Paul: Vi- be a good boy.
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Justin: Could Du be a girl for just 5 seconds
Viola: Ok... First of all it's not a stupid Fußball issue and... you're a jerk. Oh look at that, times up.
[slaps him in the face]
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Viola: Quit blushing! That's lame.
Duke: Shut up, I'm not blushing.
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Viola: [figure emerges from the fog] I didn't think you'd Zeigen up. It really means a lot to me that you're here. Say something.
Groundskeeper: I gotta turn the sprinklers on.
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Sebastian: Folks, I'm a boy. I promise.
Malcolm: Prove it.
Sebastian: okay.
[pulls down his Fußball shorts, everyone sees his privates]
Roger: [His Dad in the audience] That's my boy.
Eunice: Fußball is the world's Favorit sport.
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Duke: Just because Du wear a wig, doesn't mean you're a girl.
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Duke: [after seeing Olivia nod at Viola and wave] Dude Du know her?
Viola: Talked to her for like a second.
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Duke: This is perfect. Du spend an Stunde with her every other day. Du can convince her to go out with me!
Viola: Dude, she's had that option for, like, three and a half years.
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Viola: I can do this. I am a dude. I am a hunky dude! I'm a badass hunky dude!
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Duke: Du know... it's crazy how wrong Du can be about a person... just crazy... Du think that they are one thing and then they turn out to be the exact opposite. Du know what? Save it. We were suppose to be friends.
Viola: We are friends.
[Duke showes Viola/Sebastian against the wall]
Duke: Du dont even know the meaning of the word.
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Duke: Its not gonna be that bad, Olivia's gonna be there. the perfect opportunity for me to lay some groundwork.
Viola: Oh, Olivia's gonna be there. And my sister, and Monique, and you, and my mom. great.
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Cheryl: [making bizarre arm gestures] Who's ready to come out?
Viola: [imitating her expression] Kill me.
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Viola: SEBASTIAN!
Daphne: Were Du just talking with your brother?
Viola: No. Yes. On the phone. He's at dad's. BYE DAD.
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Toby: [cough] Incoming.
Viola: Check out the booty on that blondie.
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Viola: [screaming with Duke, after seeing Malcom's spider] Du kill it! Your the man! Er... The... Bigger... Man!
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Viola: [seating Eunice down at Cesario's] Lady Pterodactyl
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Principal Gold: [interrupting the Fußball game] I played Fußball once... oder was it chess?
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Andrew: Yea, she gives great nods.
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Principal Gold: [to Sebastian/Viola] Have a great apfel, apple and sandwich!
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Coach Dinklage: [after breaking up the fight on the Fußball field] The rest of you! Get out there and play some real football... Du bunch of girls!
Principal Gold: [trying to copy Coach Dinklage's authority and shout his speech through the megaphone] Alright the rest of you, get out there and play some real football like a bunch of girls!
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Viola: This is *not* over.
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Viola: [as Sebastian] Hey. HEY! What up? Du must be my room-mates.
Duke: [laughs]
[Viola clears throat]
Duke: What-what's your name?
Viola: Sebastian Hastings.
Duke: Duke Orsino.
Viola: [grunts]
Duke: Um, ok, ok, ok, ok! Um, this is Andrew and Toby. They live Weiter door.
Andrew: Yeah, freshman dorms thattaway, twiglet.
Toby: Seriously, how old are you?
Viola: I skipped a couple of grades. I'm brilliant, shh! Anyway, Du know when our Fußball try-outs start?
Duke: Noon. Du play?
Viola: Absolutely. Centre-forward. Du know it, bra. So, uh, Du play the beautiful sport, bro? Brothers? Brethren?
Duke: Yeah, I'm a striker. Andrew and Toby are half-backs.
Viola: Schveet!
Duke: Ok, w-why do Du have tampons in your boot?
Viola: Um, I get really bad nose bleeds?
Andrew: So Du stick 'em up your nose?
Viola: Yeah! What, you've, you've never done that?
[Boys shake head]
Viola: Oh my! Beckhem does it all the time.
Duke: Serious?
Viola: Yes. Look, let me Zeigen Du how to do it. Take that off and whatever that is, and, and Du stick it right in. It absorbs right up!
Duke: That's disgusting!
Andrew: Oh my god! You're room-mates a freak!
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Principal Gold: There Du go. Have a great apfel, apple and sandwich.
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Daphne: So Monique's getting Du all excited about being a debutant, huh?
Viola: Thuper duper exthited! Have a good carnival!
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Monique: Sebastian!
[Monique mistakes Viola for Sebastian]
Viola: Ow!
Monique: Eww... It's you. God Du and your brother look scarily alike from the back. I think it's your total lack of curves.
Viola: Hey Monique, it's so good to see Du too!
Monique: Hmm. I'm looking for Sebastian. Where is he?
Viola: I don't know.
Monique: Just remind your brother how lucky he is to be in my life. And tell him to give me a all if he wants to stay in it, okay?
Viola: Okay. Does he have your number? 1-800-BEE-OTCH?
[laughs to herself]
Monique: [mimicks Viola] Nyenyenyenyenyeh?
Viola: She will do great things.
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Eunice: I know tricks.
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[sees Olivia switch Küssen booth places with Viola]
Duke: Just my luck.
[sees look on Viola's face]
Duke: No, no, no, no. I didn't mean it like that. I just mean, she's... Du know... Ok. Um, on the other hand you're also...
Viola: I am? Thanks, I, guess.
9 Jahr Old Boy: Du don't have to flirt with her first, okay, genius? You're paying for it.
Duke: Haha, why don't Du just - relax.
[to Viola]
Duke: Um, um, um- maybe I should KISS Du now, I gave that girl my ticket and I waited in line.
Viola: Well, it's the least I can do.
Duke: Uh, ok - here I go. Um - uh...
[They kiss]
Duke: Ok, I think that was one ticket's worth.
Viola: Na-uh, Du need a little bit more.
[she kisses him again]
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Principal Gold: I'd like to say 'welcome'.
[singing]
Principal Gold: Welcome to, Illyria, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome... to Illyria.
[speaking again]
Principal Gold: I just wanted to say 'welcome'!
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Sebastian: Folks, I'm a boy. I promise.
Malcolm: Prove it.
Sebastian: Okay.
[pulls down his Fußball shorts]
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Sebastian: Sebastian but actually Viola: Ask me if I like Cheese
Duke: Duke: Um, ok. Do Du like cheese?
Sebastian: Sebastian but actually Viola: Why yes I do, my favorite's Gouda
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Andrew: Well Hey there pretty lady.
Monique: Ew! What... what are Du hitting on me?
Andrew: I was just...
Monique: [mimicking] "I was just... nyuh". OK, let me put a stop to that little brain fart right now. Girls with asses like mine do not talk to boys with faces like yours
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Monique: [Trying to distract Paul, Kia, and Yvonne so that she can get into the Moon Bounce to talk to Viola who she thinks is Sebastian] What's that?
Kia: [Follows Monique's finger]
Paul: [Still looking at Monique] Kia, don't look.
Kia: [Looks back at Monique, looks down, disappointed]
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Viola: Du know it bro'
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Viola: [as Sebastian] I gott be completely honest. The whole dissecting thing kinda freaks me out, so uh... i think Du may have to take the reins on this one.
Olivia: Wow, most guys would have never admit that.
Viola: Oh crap! Your right.
Olivia: No, don't worry i think it's refreshing.
Viola: Du do?
Malcolm: [interupts] No paper near the bunsen burner.
Viola: Wait!
Olivia: What's this? poems?
Viola: Lyrics. They're his... my, my old stuff.
Olivia: [reading] "Wake up i've been waiting for you".
[Finishes]
Olivia: Those are really good. So honest.
Viola: I know. I keep telling him... me... meself... my... myself.
Malcolm: I write songs too, Olivia.
Olivia: Really? Wonderful.
Malcolm: Check it out.
[sings]
Malcolm: I see Du through your window, while I'm standing on a baum outside
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Viola: I get to take a shower. I get to take a shower.
Malcolm: [startled gasp then realizes he forgot to introduce himself] Malcolm Festes, Dorm Director. dusche shoes are to be worn in the bathroom at all times except when in the actual shower... Did Du not read your "Dorm Life" pamphlet? It was in your cubby.
[Duke walks in and hits Malcolm behind the head with a towel. Malcolm emits a high-pitched squeal]
Viola: Sup dog?
Duke: Yeah, what's kickin', homie?
Viola: Later.
Duke: Hey, Du forgot, ew...
[holding up Viola's chest bandage]
Duke: This, coolio.
Viola: Word, g-money.
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[first lines]
Justin: Oh! She shoots, she scores! Goal!
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Viola: [Viola's mom shows her a dress] Echh. No. Sorry, Mom. I have a strict no-ruffles policy.
Daphne: Sometimes I just think Du just might as well be your brother.
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Coach Pistonek: Yeah. Yeah. NO. No playing. Du have to forfeit. There's no girls in this league. Here, look in the manual.
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Coach Dinklage: [shouted] Break it up. Break it up. Okay, tough guys. Du want to box, then get out of my stadium. oder otherwise, get on with the game. All right? That goes for the rest of ya. Now get on and play some real football.Like a bunch of girls.
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Daphne: Du did all this to play soccer?
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Viola: So, what brings Du here?
Duke: Well, a few days Vor I kissed this girl at a Küssen booth. And now, I just can't seem to stop thinking about it.
Viola: Neither can she.
Duke: Plus, I miss my roommate. I really liked him.
Viola: Well, he's right in here.
[pointing to her heart]
Viola: . Listen, I know I should have told Du who I was, but I was afraid. I'm Sorry.
Duke: Well, Du know maybe if I had know Du were a girl, we wouldn't have talked like we did, and got to know each other the same way. And that would've been a shame.
Viola: Just so Du know, everything Du told me when I was a guy, just made me like Du so much Mehr as a girl.
Duke: Ok, but just from here on in, everything would just be alot easier if Du stayed a girl.
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Justin: [kisses Viola] Ok, Du are really getting good.
Viola: Aw, Du too. I mean when we first started going out, Du couldn't KISS at all.
Justin: I meant at soccer.
Viola: Aw, really?
Justin: Absolutely. You're already better than half the guys on my team.
Viola: Hmm... probably Mehr than half.
[kisses justin]
Justin: What do Du mean I couldn't KISS at all?
Viola: Don't worry, I've taught Du well.
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Duke: Why, why do Du always talk about girls in such graphic terms?
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Duke: [Using one of Viola's tampons after getting into a fight with Justin at the carnival] Oh, yeah, I uh, borrowed one of your... yeah... and you're right, they really do work.
Viola: Oh my god you're hurt...
[clears throat]
Viola: I mean, suck it up, be a man and rub some dirt on it
Duke: Okay, I'll rub some dirt in it...
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Daphne: [after hearing about Viola breaking up with Justin] But why? He's so handsome, and rugged, and chiseled, and great.
Viola: Then why don't Du datum him mom?
Daphne: [pauses to fantasize and giggles] oh no... I couldn't.
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Olivia: [to Viola at Küssen booth] Beware the old guy chewing gum... it's not gum.
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Viola: No man... if Du wanna KISS her... Du go right ahead and Du KISS her! I mean, knock your self out! Du just take her... then KISS her. Then KISS the crap out of her!
Duke: Okay
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Toby: [talking about Eunice] She's got a little somethin' somethin'.
Andrew: Yeah... asthma and headgear.
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Viola: Du know how it is. New school, new babe pool.
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Toby: I need your Guter Rat man. I got lady troubles.
Viola: I'm here for Du bro. I got a lifetime of knowledge.
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Viola: So, uh, Du play the beautiful game... bros... brothers... brethren?
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Toby: How come when I wanted to ask Eunice out everyone made fun of me, but then Sebastian likes her and suddenly she's cool? Screw Du guys. I hate high school.
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Duke: I kinda got into it with your sisters ex.
Viola: Really. Why?
Duke: He kinda saw us making out at the Küssen booth.
Viola: Wait... Du kissed her?
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Coach Dinklage: [yelling] LET'S GO! KICK! KILL!
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Justin: [Justin blocks duke's shot] That's right. Didn't score on me last half won't score on this half. I'm a ninja. Ninja Goalie.
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Toby: Seriously, how old are you?
Viola: [as Sebastian] I skipped a couple grades. I'm brilliant. Shh.
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[after getting hit in the crotch with a Fußball ball Von Toby]
Viola: [as Sebastian] Oh. Right. OWW! OH, FOR THE Liebe OF GOD! IT BURNS!
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Duke: I gotta go change my feet.
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Viola: Speaking as a completely objective third party observer with absolutely no personal interest in the matter...
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Viola: Speaking as a completely third party objective with absolutely no personal interest in the matter, I'm not really sure that Du and Olivia really mesh well together.
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Viola: [as Sebastian, watching Kia strut away from him/her in front of Duke, Andrew, and Toby] I'd tap that.
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Principal Gold: What is...? Oh... Getting to know the opposite sex are we? Male female dynamics, all that. Sexual tension... it's all part of the high school experience... Continue, continue, please. But keep it cleaned up. Abstinence is key, abstinence is the best way to not is to not.
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[to Eunice after Olivia and Sebastian/Viola leave Cesarios]
Duke: So... do Du like cheese?
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Duke: [after being left with Eunice in Cesario's] So, uh, do you... like cheese?
Eunice: Mehr than almost any other animal by-product.
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Sebastian: [indicating Viola's false sideburns] Are those real?
Viola: Oh yeah, I'm growing sideburns now- NO!
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Sebastian: [after falling over on the football pitch again] What am I doing? This isn't FUN.
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Toby: Is your sister hot?
Viola: [as Sebastian] Uh... I guess so... she's got a great personality
Toby: Ew
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Viola: Okay, who's your daddy?
Duke: Huh?
Viola: I got her to consider you! You're half way in man!
Duke: Um, uh, ok, so, should I ask her out?
Viola: No. Du don't want to freak her out, you've got to have a casual conversation first, hello?
Viola: [after Duke looks away in frustration] Why do I get the feeling Du don't do this very often?
Duke: Man, I just, I'm not really good at talking to girls.
Viola: Why? You're hot!
Duke: What?
Viola: [clears throat] Ya know, you're an appealing guy- man- guy- guy man.
Duke: Look, I don't know, I just always say the wrong- I just always say the wrong thing.
Viola: OK. Alright, come on, get up. I wanna trying something where I'm gonna act like a girl and you're gonna talk to me, ok?
Duke: Ew. Do, do I have to?
Viola: Yes. Cause, "I'm Viola. Duke, nice to meet you."
Duke: OK, that was creepy. Du really just sounded like a girl just then.
Viola: I used to imitate my sister all the time. I got really good at it. Come on, get up. Ask me some Fragen and if the chemistry's right, things will just start flowin'.
Duke: Fragen about what?
Viola: Anything. Ask me if I like... cheese.
Duke: [laughing] Um, ok. Do you... like... cheese?
Viola: [Girl's voice] Why yes I do. My favourite's gouda.
Duke: I like gouda too?
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Olivia: You're right.
Viola: I know.
Olivia: The Weiter time I see Sebastian, I am gonna march right up to him...
Viola: Du march.
Olivia: ...I'm gonna tell him how I feel...
Viola: Du tell him.
Olivia: ...and then I'm going to KISS him so passionately...
Viola: What?
Olivia: ...that even the people he hates will feel pleasure.
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Viola: I just can't do this.
Paul: Just remember, inside every girl, there's a boy. That came out wrong but Du know what I mean.
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Viola: So what about the thing... we talked about it... that you're gonna do later?...
Duke: What thing? I'm... I'm thingless...
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Coach Pistonek: I don't know that that's a thing that I know.
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Coach Pistonek: Hi girls, heard the bad news.
Viola: Bad? It's a disaster!
Coach Pistonek: I know. Well if there's anything I can help Du with, Du just say the word.
Viola: As a matter of fact, there is. We want to try out for the boy's team.
[Other girls agree]
Coach Pistonek: [laughs] Uh, anything besides that.
Viola: Coach, come on! Du know that we're good enough!
Coach Pistonek: I don't know that that's a thing that I know.
Viola: All we're asking for is one shot.
[Other girls agree]
Coach Pistonek: Girls, we have two weeks before school starts. Then we open against Illyria, a rivalry game. We have to win.
Viola: And we can help Du win.
Justin: Hey, baby. What's going on coach?
Coach Pistonek: Umm, girls here want to try out for the team.
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Viola: What are Du talking about? Why are Du lying?
Justin: Viola! End of discussion.
Viola: FINE. End of relationship.
Justin: Baby, don't be like that. I just don't want to see Du get hurt.
Viola: Aww. Du are so full of...
Coach Pistonek: [whistle blows] Back to practice.
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Viola: ...and when I close my eyes, I see Du for who Du truly are, which is UUUG-LAY.
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Viola: Be a man. Suck it up and rub some dirt in IT.
Duke: All right, I'll rub some dirt on it...
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Sebastian: [talking about musicians] Last time I heard, they don't need to know TRIGONOMETRY.
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Viola: Du know the percentage of bands that actually make it to the big time?
Sebastian: Probably the same as female Fußball players...
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Andrew: [to Duke] Some guys just walk in the light Du know.
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Duke: [at the Küssen booth] What do Du think its going to be like?
Toby: It's going to be really special, she's just about kissed 300 guys at his point.
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Duke: It's just like what Coach says before every game: Be not afraid of greatness, some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them. I think our best chance to be great here today, is to have Du play.
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Viola: [getting into catfight] Du are messing with the wrong man.
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Olivia: We could double. I'm sure Eunice is available.
Eunice: I am so there, it's insane.
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Viola: [as Sebastian] Eunice!
[clears throat]
Viola: Uh, Eunice! Why didn't Du wake me?
Eunice: Du looked so serene. I made breakfast, darling.
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Malcolm: I am convinced he's hiding something.
Principal Gold: Oh, nonsense, Malcolm. He may be a little Lost and confused, but deep down he's an all-american, red-blooded male, just like yourself.
Viola: [walking by, dressed as Sebastian, while on the phone] Mom, I will pick out my own dress. And no, I will not wear high heels. Because heels are a male invention designed to make women's butts look smaller... and to make it harder for them to runaway.
Principal Gold: Malcolm, have Du ever tried to run away in high heels?
Malcolm: No, sir, I...
Principal Gold: Not that easy. Not that easy...
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Viola: What does your herz tell you?
Duke: What?
Viola: I mean... which one would Du rather see NAKED?
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[Viola shows her bare boobs to prove she's a girl and earlier Sebastian showed his privates to prove he's a boy ]
Roger: Is it just me oder this Fußball game have Mehr nudity than most?
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Coach Dinklage: [about to assign shirts and skins] OK, shirts and skins!
Viola: Pardon me, sir. I have to be a shirt.
Coach Dinklage: What?
Viola: I'm allergic to the sun.
Coach Dinklage: ...You're allergic to the sun?
Viola: Very, very, very deathly, deathly allergic.
Coach Dinklage: Well, we like to accomodate here in Illiria, so I'll follow Du around with a parasol. Alright, Nancy boy?
[looks at his clipboard]
Coach Dinklage: You're a shirt.
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Duke: What're Du gonna do, drown me in your tears?
Justin: I did not cry during that game. I had something in my eye.
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Sebastian: Besides, if Du want to chase your dreams, sometimes Du gotta break the rules, right?
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Viola: Du know what? If Du can't Mitmachen 'em, beat 'em.
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Viola: [as Sebastian] Hi, Eunice. Sorry for running out on our date.
Eunice: It's okay. My intensity scares some people.
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Monique: Hello, Viola.
Viola: Oh, boy. This isn't good.
Monique: And hello to Du little... homewrecker.
Olivia: Uh, who are you?
Monique: I am Sebastian's girlfriend.
Viola: Ex-Girl-Friend.
Monique: Okay. Everybody's gotta stop saying that.
Olivia: Oh. Du were the one he dumped at the pizza parlor the other day.
Monique: Nonononononono, he did not dump me. We're just going through a little bit of a rough patch.
Olivia: Oh? I heard he dumped you. He dumped Du big. It was just like a big, huge dumping.
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Andrew: Freshman dorm's that-a-way, twiglet.
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Eunice: [wheezing] I'll be the best lab partner Du ever had
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Principal Gold: [referring to Sebastian] He's probably halfway to China Von now, I mean, he showed his "willis and doodleberries"...
Sebastian: Present!
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Daphne: Nonsense! Du don't need a man to wear a beautiful dress!
Paul: But it doesn't hurt...
[Paul gets down on one knee in front of Viola]
Paul: Viola Hastings it would be my pleasure to escort you.
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Paul: Vi- be a good boy.
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Justin: Could Du be a girl for just 5 seconds
Viola: Ok... First of all it's not a stupid Fußball issue and... you're a jerk. Oh look at that, times up.
[slaps him in the face]
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Viola: Quit blushing! That's lame.
Duke: Shut up, I'm not blushing.
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Viola: [figure emerges from the fog] I didn't think you'd Zeigen up. It really means a lot to me that you're here. Say something.
Groundskeeper: I gotta turn the sprinklers on.
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Sebastian: Folks, I'm a boy. I promise.
Malcolm: Prove it.
Sebastian: okay.
[pulls down his Fußball shorts, everyone sees his privates]
Roger: [His Dad in the audience] That's my boy.
Eunice: Fußball is the world's Favorit sport.
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Duke: Just because Du wear a wig, doesn't mean you're a girl.
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Duke: [after seeing Olivia nod at Viola and wave] Dude Du know her?
Viola: Talked to her for like a second.
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Duke: This is perfect. Du spend an Stunde with her every other day. Du can convince her to go out with me!
Viola: Dude, she's had that option for, like, three and a half years.
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Viola: I can do this. I am a dude. I am a hunky dude! I'm a badass hunky dude!
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Duke: Du know... it's crazy how wrong Du can be about a person... just crazy... Du think that they are one thing and then they turn out to be the exact opposite. Du know what? Save it. We were suppose to be friends.
Viola: We are friends.
[Duke showes Viola/Sebastian against the wall]
Duke: Du dont even know the meaning of the word.
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Duke: Its not gonna be that bad, Olivia's gonna be there. the perfect opportunity for me to lay some groundwork.
Viola: Oh, Olivia's gonna be there. And my sister, and Monique, and you, and my mom. great.
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Cheryl: [making bizarre arm gestures] Who's ready to come out?
Viola: [imitating her expression] Kill me.
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Viola: SEBASTIAN!
Daphne: Were Du just talking with your brother?
Viola: No. Yes. On the phone. He's at dad's. BYE DAD.
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Toby: [cough] Incoming.
Viola: Check out the booty on that blondie.
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Viola: [screaming with Duke, after seeing Malcom's spider] Du kill it! Your the man! Er... The... Bigger... Man!
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Viola: [seating Eunice down at Cesario's] Lady Pterodactyl
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Principal Gold: [interrupting the Fußball game] I played Fußball once... oder was it chess?
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Andrew: Yea, she gives great nods.
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Principal Gold: [to Sebastian/Viola] Have a great apfel, apple and sandwich!
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Coach Dinklage: [after breaking up the fight on the Fußball field] The rest of you! Get out there and play some real football... Du bunch of girls!
Principal Gold: [trying to copy Coach Dinklage's authority and shout his speech through the megaphone] Alright the rest of you, get out there and play some real football like a bunch of girls!
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Viola: This is *not* over.
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Viola: [as Sebastian] Hey. HEY! What up? Du must be my room-mates.
Duke: [laughs]
[Viola clears throat]
Duke: What-what's your name?
Viola: Sebastian Hastings.
Duke: Duke Orsino.
Viola: [grunts]
Duke: Um, ok, ok, ok, ok! Um, this is Andrew and Toby. They live Weiter door.
Andrew: Yeah, freshman dorms thattaway, twiglet.
Toby: Seriously, how old are you?
Viola: I skipped a couple of grades. I'm brilliant, shh! Anyway, Du know when our Fußball try-outs start?
Duke: Noon. Du play?
Viola: Absolutely. Centre-forward. Du know it, bra. So, uh, Du play the beautiful sport, bro? Brothers? Brethren?
Duke: Yeah, I'm a striker. Andrew and Toby are half-backs.
Viola: Schveet!
Duke: Ok, w-why do Du have tampons in your boot?
Viola: Um, I get really bad nose bleeds?
Andrew: So Du stick 'em up your nose?
Viola: Yeah! What, you've, you've never done that?
[Boys shake head]
Viola: Oh my! Beckhem does it all the time.
Duke: Serious?
Viola: Yes. Look, let me Zeigen Du how to do it. Take that off and whatever that is, and, and Du stick it right in. It absorbs right up!
Duke: That's disgusting!
Andrew: Oh my god! You're room-mates a freak!
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Principal Gold: There Du go. Have a great apfel, apple and sandwich.
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Daphne: So Monique's getting Du all excited about being a debutant, huh?
Viola: Thuper duper exthited! Have a good carnival!
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Monique: Sebastian!
[Monique mistakes Viola for Sebastian]
Viola: Ow!
Monique: Eww... It's you. God Du and your brother look scarily alike from the back. I think it's your total lack of curves.
Viola: Hey Monique, it's so good to see Du too!
Monique: Hmm. I'm looking for Sebastian. Where is he?
Viola: I don't know.
Monique: Just remind your brother how lucky he is to be in my life. And tell him to give me a all if he wants to stay in it, okay?
Viola: Okay. Does he have your number? 1-800-BEE-OTCH?
[laughs to herself]
Monique: [mimicks Viola] Nyenyenyenyenyeh?
Viola: She will do great things.
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Eunice: I know tricks.
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[sees Olivia switch Küssen booth places with Viola]
Duke: Just my luck.
[sees look on Viola's face]
Duke: No, no, no, no. I didn't mean it like that. I just mean, she's... Du know... Ok. Um, on the other hand you're also...
Viola: I am? Thanks, I, guess.
9 Jahr Old Boy: Du don't have to flirt with her first, okay, genius? You're paying for it.
Duke: Haha, why don't Du just - relax.
[to Viola]
Duke: Um, um, um- maybe I should KISS Du now, I gave that girl my ticket and I waited in line.
Viola: Well, it's the least I can do.
Duke: Uh, ok - here I go. Um - uh...
[They kiss]
Duke: Ok, I think that was one ticket's worth.
Viola: Na-uh, Du need a little bit more.
[she kisses him again]
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Principal Gold: I'd like to say 'welcome'.
[singing]
Principal Gold: Welcome to, Illyria, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome... to Illyria.
[speaking again]
Principal Gold: I just wanted to say 'welcome'!
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Sebastian: Folks, I'm a boy. I promise.
Malcolm: Prove it.
Sebastian: Okay.
[pulls down his Fußball shorts]
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Sebastian: Sebastian but actually Viola: Ask me if I like Cheese
Duke: Duke: Um, ok. Do Du like cheese?
Sebastian: Sebastian but actually Viola: Why yes I do, my favorite's Gouda
