1. After she returns from a datum with Edward, ask her how her datum with Mike went. When she corrects you, say, "Sorry, I forgot! So tell me about your datum with Jacob." Keep doing this for as long as possible, getting the name wrong every time. Say names that don't even make sense: "So how was your datum with Emmett?"
When she finally snaps and starts screaming at Du that it was EDWARD, say "Ohhh, the vampire boy. So how was your datum with Dracula?"
2. Tell Mike/Eric/Jacob/any one of Bella's fanboys that Bella will agree to go out with him if he wears fake vampire teeth and body glitter. She's into that kind of thing.
3. Explain to her that, not only is Edward technically dead (Necrophilia), he is also technically about a hundred years older than her, give oder take. (Pedophilia.) Ask if her father knows about this. When she says he doesn't, (or even if she lies and says he does) go and tell Charlie all about it.
4. Send her a fake marriage proposal from every single one of her fanboys, over the course of about a week. (Or Du could do it all in one day, I suppose.) Also, add at the bottom of each one: "If Du won't marry me, I'll kill myself, I can't live without you, Bella!" Word it differently each time so it sounds less suspicious. Make sure none of the fanboys actually know anything about this.
5. Point and laugh hysterically whenever she falls, and "accidentally" trip her whenever she walks by.
6. Hide behind things and jump out at her, saying "I vant to suck your blood!" in the worst Transylvanian accent Du can manage. Bonus points if Du wear fake vampire teeth/a black cape/ect.
7. Put a small piece of "Team Jacob" merchandise somewhere in an inconspicuous place in her room. Then put another "Team Jacob" something oder another in her room the Weiter day. Do this gradually, adding Mehr and Mehr Team Jacob to her room until she notices. (Or until Edward notices, whichever comes first) Then, don't try to make it un-noticeable after that: Cover the walls in posters, put Jacob pillows on her bed, steal all her shirts and replace them with Jacob shirts... (Alternative: Do this with Edward's room. See if she notices before he does.)
8. Go to Bella's house while she's sleeping at night, and find Edward- He's sure to be around somewhere, watching her sleep as usual. When Du find him, scream at the oben, nach oben of your lungs, "HI, EDWARD. :D WATCHING BELLA AGAIN? THAT'S COOL. Du HAVE FUN WITH THAT. ^.^ "
9. Prick your finger with a needle and run up to Bella, screaming "AAAAAAAABELLA, I'M BLEEDING, HELP MEEE!" and pretend to faint. Make sure she sees the blood before Du "faint", though.
10. Get a vampire doll/plushie/whatever Du can find, and put it on Bella's dresser when she isn't home. Put some Zufällig stuff in front of it so she won't notice it. Put a walkie talkie in it oder hide one near it. Then, when she's sleeping, say through the walkie-talkie, in your creepiest stalker-voice (Bonus points for a Transylvanian accent) "Bellaaa.... I am waaatching yoouu~" Followed Von maniacal laughter.
11. Ask Charlie, at a time when Bella is within earshot, if it bothers him that his daughter is dating a heroin-addict vampire.
12. Tell Mike that, Du weren't supposed to tell, and Bella's going to be SO mad at you, but... Bella has a secret crush on him. (Note: It doesn't have to be Mike, Bella has plenty of other fanboys Du could use.)
13. When she and Charlie are not home, steal all the Essen in the refrigerator and hide it all under Bella's bed. Tell her Edward ate it.
14. Tell Bella that Edward told Du that he's been hearing Bella saying Jacob's name in her sleep for the past few weeks, and he's getting very upset, but he was too afraid to tell her himself. Tell her Du think it's time Edward knew about her secret affair.
15. Tell her Edward is planning on leaving her for Rosalie.
16. Put in fake vampire teeth (I know, I'm using the vampire teeth too much in here, bär with me) and "topaz" oder Gold contact lenses and say, "Look, Bella, Edward made me a vampire!"
17. Send Charlie an invitation to "Bella and Mike's wedding." See what happens.
18. Hide in Bella's room when she's not in there, and wait until she comes in, and Edward sneaks in through the window oder something. Then say "HI EDWARD. :D WHAT ARE Du DOING HERE SO LATE AT NIGHT?" Loud enough so Charlie can hear you.
19. Hit her in the head whenever she says "Edward."
20. On her birthday, give her a great big colorful card (One of the ones with confetti inside that makes all kinds of noise when Du open it) that says "CONGRATULATIONS. Du are now ____ years older than Edward (pretends to be)!" Then, follow her around for the rest of the Tag shouting things like, "EVERYONE MAKE WAY FOR THE BIRTHDAY GIRL!", and encouraging everyone to sing Happy Birthday with you.
21. Take that Dracula doll from #10 (Or a different one if Du never managed to get that one back) and name it Edward. Make it sit on her shoulder oder on her head and say, in a ridiculously high voice, "I Liebe Du Bella! I Liebe Du Bella!" over and over, and when she finally snaps say, "You hurt Edward's feelings!" and make the doll cry in the most pathetic, annoying, high-pitched, whiney way possible. Tell her she should apologize. If she gives in and apologizes, make the doll slap her in the face.
22. Buy her a ridiculously flashy, tacky dress and tell her she just has to wear it; She always looks so plain and boring Weiter to Edward.
23. Tell her that Edward really prefers blondes. If she dyes her hair, say, "Oh wait... That was Emmett... Edward prefers red-heads." Keep doing this for a while. (Note: If she *doesn't* dye her hair, keep pestering her about it until she does.)
24. Tell Alice that Bella told Du to tell her (@_@) that she has permission to redecorate Bella's room any way she wants to. Before telling her this, find out where Bella's diary is. Then, when Alice is redecorating the room, hint at the diary's location until she finds it.
25. When Edward's doing his watching-Bella-sleep thing, go wake up Charlie and tell him there's a stalker outside Bella's window. (Note the fact that Charlie is a policeman, as well as being Bella's father.)
26. Run to Bella, looking very distressed, and tell her that Alice just foresaw a monster coming to kill Bella. When Edward walks by, scream "THERE HE IS! ALICE WAS RIGHT!!"
27. Constantly remind her that Edward is old enough to be her great-grandfather.
28. Become good Friends with Alice Cullen, to the point where Du go on many shopping trips together. Force Bella to come along on every single one of them.
29. Freak out and demand that Bella go to the hospital every single time she gets a paper cut, trips, hits her head on something, ect. (Alternative: Freak out whenever she's using a messer for cooking, standing nearby the ofen even if it's not on, walking down stairs, oder basically touching anything oder being near anything that could potentially be sharp/too hot/ect. oder in any situation where she could possibly get hurt. When she insists she'll be fine, cry that Edward's going to be so heartbroken if she gets hurt, how could she do that him!)
30. Come to school one Tag bragging endlessly about how Du went on a wonderful, romantic datum with Edward. (Explain to Bella later that it wasn't Edward Cullen Du went out with, but a different Edward. =P )
When she finally snaps and starts screaming at Du that it was EDWARD, say "Ohhh, the vampire boy. So how was your datum with Dracula?"
2. Tell Mike/Eric/Jacob/any one of Bella's fanboys that Bella will agree to go out with him if he wears fake vampire teeth and body glitter. She's into that kind of thing.
3. Explain to her that, not only is Edward technically dead (Necrophilia), he is also technically about a hundred years older than her, give oder take. (Pedophilia.) Ask if her father knows about this. When she says he doesn't, (or even if she lies and says he does) go and tell Charlie all about it.
4. Send her a fake marriage proposal from every single one of her fanboys, over the course of about a week. (Or Du could do it all in one day, I suppose.) Also, add at the bottom of each one: "If Du won't marry me, I'll kill myself, I can't live without you, Bella!" Word it differently each time so it sounds less suspicious. Make sure none of the fanboys actually know anything about this.
5. Point and laugh hysterically whenever she falls, and "accidentally" trip her whenever she walks by.
6. Hide behind things and jump out at her, saying "I vant to suck your blood!" in the worst Transylvanian accent Du can manage. Bonus points if Du wear fake vampire teeth/a black cape/ect.
7. Put a small piece of "Team Jacob" merchandise somewhere in an inconspicuous place in her room. Then put another "Team Jacob" something oder another in her room the Weiter day. Do this gradually, adding Mehr and Mehr Team Jacob to her room until she notices. (Or until Edward notices, whichever comes first) Then, don't try to make it un-noticeable after that: Cover the walls in posters, put Jacob pillows on her bed, steal all her shirts and replace them with Jacob shirts... (Alternative: Do this with Edward's room. See if she notices before he does.)
8. Go to Bella's house while she's sleeping at night, and find Edward- He's sure to be around somewhere, watching her sleep as usual. When Du find him, scream at the oben, nach oben of your lungs, "HI, EDWARD. :D WATCHING BELLA AGAIN? THAT'S COOL. Du HAVE FUN WITH THAT. ^.^ "
9. Prick your finger with a needle and run up to Bella, screaming "AAAAAAAABELLA, I'M BLEEDING, HELP MEEE!" and pretend to faint. Make sure she sees the blood before Du "faint", though.
10. Get a vampire doll/plushie/whatever Du can find, and put it on Bella's dresser when she isn't home. Put some Zufällig stuff in front of it so she won't notice it. Put a walkie talkie in it oder hide one near it. Then, when she's sleeping, say through the walkie-talkie, in your creepiest stalker-voice (Bonus points for a Transylvanian accent) "Bellaaa.... I am waaatching yoouu~" Followed Von maniacal laughter.
11. Ask Charlie, at a time when Bella is within earshot, if it bothers him that his daughter is dating a heroin-addict vampire.
12. Tell Mike that, Du weren't supposed to tell, and Bella's going to be SO mad at you, but... Bella has a secret crush on him. (Note: It doesn't have to be Mike, Bella has plenty of other fanboys Du could use.)
13. When she and Charlie are not home, steal all the Essen in the refrigerator and hide it all under Bella's bed. Tell her Edward ate it.
14. Tell Bella that Edward told Du that he's been hearing Bella saying Jacob's name in her sleep for the past few weeks, and he's getting very upset, but he was too afraid to tell her himself. Tell her Du think it's time Edward knew about her secret affair.
15. Tell her Edward is planning on leaving her for Rosalie.
16. Put in fake vampire teeth (I know, I'm using the vampire teeth too much in here, bär with me) and "topaz" oder Gold contact lenses and say, "Look, Bella, Edward made me a vampire!"
17. Send Charlie an invitation to "Bella and Mike's wedding." See what happens.
18. Hide in Bella's room when she's not in there, and wait until she comes in, and Edward sneaks in through the window oder something. Then say "HI EDWARD. :D WHAT ARE Du DOING HERE SO LATE AT NIGHT?" Loud enough so Charlie can hear you.
19. Hit her in the head whenever she says "Edward."
20. On her birthday, give her a great big colorful card (One of the ones with confetti inside that makes all kinds of noise when Du open it) that says "CONGRATULATIONS. Du are now ____ years older than Edward (pretends to be)!" Then, follow her around for the rest of the Tag shouting things like, "EVERYONE MAKE WAY FOR THE BIRTHDAY GIRL!", and encouraging everyone to sing Happy Birthday with you.
21. Take that Dracula doll from #10 (Or a different one if Du never managed to get that one back) and name it Edward. Make it sit on her shoulder oder on her head and say, in a ridiculously high voice, "I Liebe Du Bella! I Liebe Du Bella!" over and over, and when she finally snaps say, "You hurt Edward's feelings!" and make the doll cry in the most pathetic, annoying, high-pitched, whiney way possible. Tell her she should apologize. If she gives in and apologizes, make the doll slap her in the face.
22. Buy her a ridiculously flashy, tacky dress and tell her she just has to wear it; She always looks so plain and boring Weiter to Edward.
23. Tell her that Edward really prefers blondes. If she dyes her hair, say, "Oh wait... That was Emmett... Edward prefers red-heads." Keep doing this for a while. (Note: If she *doesn't* dye her hair, keep pestering her about it until she does.)
24. Tell Alice that Bella told Du to tell her (@_@) that she has permission to redecorate Bella's room any way she wants to. Before telling her this, find out where Bella's diary is. Then, when Alice is redecorating the room, hint at the diary's location until she finds it.
25. When Edward's doing his watching-Bella-sleep thing, go wake up Charlie and tell him there's a stalker outside Bella's window. (Note the fact that Charlie is a policeman, as well as being Bella's father.)
26. Run to Bella, looking very distressed, and tell her that Alice just foresaw a monster coming to kill Bella. When Edward walks by, scream "THERE HE IS! ALICE WAS RIGHT!!"
27. Constantly remind her that Edward is old enough to be her great-grandfather.
28. Become good Friends with Alice Cullen, to the point where Du go on many shopping trips together. Force Bella to come along on every single one of them.
29. Freak out and demand that Bella go to the hospital every single time she gets a paper cut, trips, hits her head on something, ect. (Alternative: Freak out whenever she's using a messer for cooking, standing nearby the ofen even if it's not on, walking down stairs, oder basically touching anything oder being near anything that could potentially be sharp/too hot/ect. oder in any situation where she could possibly get hurt. When she insists she'll be fine, cry that Edward's going to be so heartbroken if she gets hurt, how could she do that him!)
30. Come to school one Tag bragging endlessly about how Du went on a wonderful, romantic datum with Edward. (Explain to Bella later that it wasn't Edward Cullen Du went out with, but a different Edward. =P )
