As I am walking the strand I listen to the waves crash upon the shore. I can feel the warmth of the sun on my face. For the moment the beast inside is quieted. That inner voice that has told me all my life I am not good enough and I can never be “one of them.” That voice that reminds me when Du open your herz Du get hurt. It was only for the moment though that the beast was resting. I knew that I had to deal with the rage and the anger that I had managed to keep barely underneath the surface for all this time. All my crutches were gone. The vicodin, the hookers, and even the cases didn’t calm the rage. I had managed to alienate the only two people that I needed the most because they were now my problem. Wilson thought I could go on and Du just wanted me to Bewegen on.
How could I Bewegen on from you? How could I ever forget what Du felt like and how Du tasted? How could I forget the touch that sent waves of passion through my being? All those nights that I sank so deep inside Du and felt the explosions from your body were etched inside my brain and my heart.
I tried to avoid these feelings, to numb them, to fill every moment with something, hoping and waiting for the Tag that I would open my eyes from a night of self medicating, and the pain would be gone. That morning had not come. I had tried to resolve things with “you” to go back to the start. I wanted desperately to let Du go and to Bewegen vorwärts-, nach vorn but when that moment came and I felt Du slipping away it overwhelmed me and the desperation overtook me. If I let go I will never feel this again. Du make me alive.
For years I had wanted you. I had waited because I didn’t think it would work. What did I do that had been so bad that Du were leaving me? Wilson, years prior, had told me I was afraid to change. “I didn’t like myself but I did admire myself.” I had taken the words to heart. I had a gift but if it meant choosing between that gift and Cuddy my choice was Cuddy.
I still remember Du kneeling at my side and coming to my rescue. I remember how your lips tasted and your body felt. I remember with each kleidungsstück I removed how it revealed just one Mehr part of Du that I wanted to claim as my own. I remember every night that I held you. Every night I made Liebe to you. How Du felt and how I felt inside you. Du belong to me. Du were made for me.
Du wanted me to talk but it was so we could Bewegen on. I avoided Du for that very reason. Du sagte Du wanted to know how I felt. Everyone had sagte that but they never meant it. They really just wanted me to accept the truth, come to terms with reality and deal with it. They wanted to silence me but never really deal with my feelings. What Du wanted was to leave me behind.
When I told Du I felt hurt I was so close to telling Du that I didn’t know how to Bewegen on. I don’t know how to let Du go. Please tell me what I did. But I told Du that it wasn’t your fault. I couldn’t stop the pain.
I saw Du through the window with your hand on his arm and smiling. That was supposed to be us and it was supposed to be me that Du were smiling at and that your hand was resting on. Why couldn’t Du Liebe me? Those words coursed through my mind replaying itself like a bad record.
I stood there with the brush in my hand and the herz that had been breaking inside me was finally crushed into a million pieces. As I walked back I realized I had held Du for the last time. Everyone that I had ever loved had left. But I was able to Bewegen on. It was true I needed Du but I was really learning how to love. I had fallen in Liebe with you. I tried to tell Wilson and Du but Du both wanted me to pick up the pieces and go on. I didn’t know how.
I came to your house to make peace and to see if we could leave the door open and try to work things out. I wanted to listen to Du and see what Du needed and what Du wanted from a man. I wanted to be that man for you. When I saw Du had moved on I couldn’t imagine him touching Du and holding you. I ……………………
As I returned to the car I saw Wilson. He had tried to help me work out my problems and to deal with my anger. I was about to do that. I was about to solve all my problems and put an end to all questions. If I couldn’t get Antwort I would make up my own. I bowed my head just a bit and urged Wilson to get out of the car. Even to the last moment he was trying to get me to talk. I pulled the door shut and pushed the pedal to the floor. I don’t know why I couldn’t just drive away and give it time.
I miss Du Cuddy and I Liebe you. I can’t walk away so I will do something that is so totally unforgivable that going back will never be an option. If Du hate me then maybe I can learn to hate you. I rather Du hate me than pity me. I do not want your pity. I sit there staring at your house for a moment and then when I knew Du had enough time to be in the other room I crushed the gas pedal and I saw Wilson fall, “I hope he got out of the way” and I smashed through your dining room.
I looked into your eyes and all I saw was fear. I would never hurt Du oder maybe that is all I ever knew how to do. Du were shaking and I still wanted to hold Du but I knew Du would never let me near Du again.
How could I Bewegen on from you? How could I ever forget what Du felt like and how Du tasted? How could I forget the touch that sent waves of passion through my being? All those nights that I sank so deep inside Du and felt the explosions from your body were etched inside my brain and my heart.
I tried to avoid these feelings, to numb them, to fill every moment with something, hoping and waiting for the Tag that I would open my eyes from a night of self medicating, and the pain would be gone. That morning had not come. I had tried to resolve things with “you” to go back to the start. I wanted desperately to let Du go and to Bewegen vorwärts-, nach vorn but when that moment came and I felt Du slipping away it overwhelmed me and the desperation overtook me. If I let go I will never feel this again. Du make me alive.
For years I had wanted you. I had waited because I didn’t think it would work. What did I do that had been so bad that Du were leaving me? Wilson, years prior, had told me I was afraid to change. “I didn’t like myself but I did admire myself.” I had taken the words to heart. I had a gift but if it meant choosing between that gift and Cuddy my choice was Cuddy.
I still remember Du kneeling at my side and coming to my rescue. I remember how your lips tasted and your body felt. I remember with each kleidungsstück I removed how it revealed just one Mehr part of Du that I wanted to claim as my own. I remember every night that I held you. Every night I made Liebe to you. How Du felt and how I felt inside you. Du belong to me. Du were made for me.
Du wanted me to talk but it was so we could Bewegen on. I avoided Du for that very reason. Du sagte Du wanted to know how I felt. Everyone had sagte that but they never meant it. They really just wanted me to accept the truth, come to terms with reality and deal with it. They wanted to silence me but never really deal with my feelings. What Du wanted was to leave me behind.
When I told Du I felt hurt I was so close to telling Du that I didn’t know how to Bewegen on. I don’t know how to let Du go. Please tell me what I did. But I told Du that it wasn’t your fault. I couldn’t stop the pain.
I saw Du through the window with your hand on his arm and smiling. That was supposed to be us and it was supposed to be me that Du were smiling at and that your hand was resting on. Why couldn’t Du Liebe me? Those words coursed through my mind replaying itself like a bad record.
I stood there with the brush in my hand and the herz that had been breaking inside me was finally crushed into a million pieces. As I walked back I realized I had held Du for the last time. Everyone that I had ever loved had left. But I was able to Bewegen on. It was true I needed Du but I was really learning how to love. I had fallen in Liebe with you. I tried to tell Wilson and Du but Du both wanted me to pick up the pieces and go on. I didn’t know how.
I came to your house to make peace and to see if we could leave the door open and try to work things out. I wanted to listen to Du and see what Du needed and what Du wanted from a man. I wanted to be that man for you. When I saw Du had moved on I couldn’t imagine him touching Du and holding you. I ……………………
As I returned to the car I saw Wilson. He had tried to help me work out my problems and to deal with my anger. I was about to do that. I was about to solve all my problems and put an end to all questions. If I couldn’t get Antwort I would make up my own. I bowed my head just a bit and urged Wilson to get out of the car. Even to the last moment he was trying to get me to talk. I pulled the door shut and pushed the pedal to the floor. I don’t know why I couldn’t just drive away and give it time.
I miss Du Cuddy and I Liebe you. I can’t walk away so I will do something that is so totally unforgivable that going back will never be an option. If Du hate me then maybe I can learn to hate you. I rather Du hate me than pity me. I do not want your pity. I sit there staring at your house for a moment and then when I knew Du had enough time to be in the other room I crushed the gas pedal and I saw Wilson fall, “I hope he got out of the way” and I smashed through your dining room.
I looked into your eyes and all I saw was fear. I would never hurt Du oder maybe that is all I ever knew how to do. Du were shaking and I still wanted to hold Du but I knew Du would never let me near Du again.