Pilot

Rachel: "Look guys, these steps are not hard! I’ve been doing them since preschool!"
Kurt: "I’m sorry, did I miss the election for queen. Cause I didn’t vote for you."

Finn: "Look, I owe Du guys an apology. I never should have quit. I don't want to be the guy that just drives around throwing eggs at people!"
Rachel: "That was you?"
Kurt: "You and your Friends threw pee balloons at me."
Finn: "I know."
Kurt: "You nailed all my lawn furniture to my roof."

Showmance

(To bullies) "One Tag Du will all work for me."

(To Mercedes) "You look like a technicolor zebra."

Mercedes: "This song is terrible."
Will: "Okay, no, no. It's not the song, Du guys just need to get into it."
Kurt: "No, it's the song. It's really gay."

Rachel: We're going to give them what they want!
Kurt: *Skeptically* "Blood?"

(About the assembly) "They're gonna throw Obst at us. And I just had a facial."

Acafellas

Mercedes: "Damn Kurt! This car is fly!"
Kurt: "My dad got it for my sweet sixteen after I swore to stop wearing form-fitting sweaters that stop at the knee." *pause* "What he doesn't know won't hurt him."

(About Mercedes smashing his window) "It's ok. My Dad took my baby [car] away when he found my tiara collection in my hope chest."

Mercedes: Have Du ever kissed anybody?
Kurt: Yes. If Von somebody Du mean the tender crook of my elbow.

Preggers

(Kurt about to make the kick to win the football game) Ken: "You make this, and Du die a legend."
Kurt: "Can I pee first?"

(To Ken) "Hi, I'm Kurt Hummel and I'll be auditioning for the role of kicker."

"My body is like a rum Schokolade souffle. If I don't warm it up right, it doesn't rise."

The Rhodes Not Taken

(To Emma) "Oh Bambi... I cried so hard when those hunters shot your mommy..."

Vitamin D

"Although I've been grouped with the boys, my allegiance remains with Du ladies. They declined my offer to do their hair in cornrows, and all my artistic decisions have been derided as too costly because they involve several varieties of exotic bird feathers."

Throwdown

"She (Sue) told me that if I even talked to one of Mr. Schue's kids that she'd shave my head, and I just can't rock that look! I mean, even Justin Timberlake is growing his fro back."

Mash-Up

Mercedes: "You are not gonna slushie on my man Kurt."
Rachel: "Why wouldn't he? He's made his choice. He doesn't care about us losers anymore."
Finn: "No, that's not true! It's just if I don't do it, the guys on the team are gonna kick the crap out of me!"
Kurt: "Well we can't have that, can we?"
*grabs the slushie from Finn*
Finn: "What are Du doing?"
Kurt: "It's called taking one for the team." *Splashes himself in the face with the slushie, and pauses* "Now get out of here. And take some time to think whether oder not any of your Friends on the football team would have done that for you." *Finn frantically runs away* Someone get me to a Tag spa! Stat!

Wheels

"I have an iPod shuffle dedicated exclusively to selections from Wicked. This is amazing."

Burt: "What's wrong?"
Kurt: "Sorry, it's a Glee club thing..."
Burt: "It's not about a guy is it, cause I'm not ready to have that conversation."
Kurt: "At least Du don't have to worry about me getting someone pregnant." *cute laugh*

(To New Directions) "We all know I'm Mehr beliebt than Rachel, and I dress better than her."

(To his dad) "I Liebe Du Mehr than I Liebe being a star."

Ballad

(About the song "Endless Love") "I could totally sing this song with Finn, but screw him if he thinks he's taking the Diana Ross part from me."

(To Finn) "How do Du explain her constant irritation with you? It's because SHE'S A GIRL."

(About Finn) "I don't know why I find his stupidity charming, I mean, he's cheating off a girl who thinks she square root of four is rainbows."

Finn: "I'm sick and tired of people pushing me to be somebody I'm not."
Kurt: "You're lashing out at me is fantastically compelling and inappropriate."

Hairography

Rachel: "I thought we were friends."
Kurt: "What made Du think that?"

"Makeovers are like crack to me."

(To Rachel about her room) "You need something to distract from your horrible personality. Most of the time, I can't stand to be in the same room as you. Especially this one, it looks like where erdbeere shortcake and stechpalme, holly Hobby come to hook up."

"Rachel manages to dress like a grandmother and a toddler at the same time."

(To Rachel) "Sometimes it’s hard to appreciate what a good singer Du are because all I think about is shoving a socke in your mouth."

Sectionals

"I say we lock Rachel up until after sectionals. I volunteer my basement."

Hell-o

Will: "What do Du guys say when Du answer the phone?"
Mercedes: "What up?"
Artie: "Who 'dis be?"
Kurt: "No, she's dead. This is her son."

Power of Madonna

"Mercedes is black, I'm gay. We make a culture."

Home

Finn: "I miss getting hit."
Kurt: "Pure boyish insanity."

(To Mercedes) "You have a week to lose 10 pounds. It's like trying to lose one of my butt cheeks."

"Can Du go now? I'm a half Stunde behind on my moisturizer routine, and I need to wake up early."

Laryngitis

"I'm not a box. There are Mehr than four sides to me."

"Dad, I need Du to respect my privacy. Brittany and I were just having sexual relations."

Theatricality

"I swear to Du I will never change. I'm proud to be different, it's the best thing about me."

Tina: (Referring to her dress) "My balls keep falling off."
Kurt: "I've been there,"

(To bullies) "Yeah, Du don't want to be late for your appointment at SUPERCUTS!"

"They're (Vocal Adrenaline) are going for full out theatricality, they know it's the easiest way to beat us! Damn them!"

Funk

"I'm so depressed I've worn the same outfit twice this week."

"Mr. Schue, Rachel is one of us. We're the only ones that get to humiliate her."

Audition

Mercedes: So is that a men sweater?
Kurt: "Fashion has no gender."

Grilled Cheesus

"Suzanne Somers says that skipping breakfast is suicide."

Burt: And last week Du had to camp out early so Du could be first in line for those Grey's Anatomy DVDs.
Kurt: "Season six, dad."

Mercedes: "How do Du know for sure? Du can't prove that there is no God."
Kurt: "You can't prove there isn't a magic teapot floating around the dark side of the moon with a dwarf inside of it that reads romance novels and shoots lightning out of its boobs; but it seems pretty unlikely doesn't it?"

"God makes me gay and then makes His followers go around saying it's a choice, as if I'd choose to be mocked every Tag of my life."

(Talking about church) Mercedes: "You get to wear a fabulous hat."
Kurt: "You had me at fabulous hat."

(Talking to his hospitalized father) "I don't believe in God dad, but I believe in you. And I believe in us."

Duets

Rachel: "Kurt, I need to talk to Du about something."
Kurt: "Oh, please not another pregnancy."
Rachel: "Kurt, we have a lot Mehr in common than Du think."
Kurt: "That's a terrible thing to say."

(About Sam) "He's on team gay. No straight boy does his hair to look like Linda Evangelista circa 1983."

Kurt: "'Make 'Em Laugh'? 'Singin' In the Rain'?"
Sam: "Sorry".
Kurt: "1952? Nothing. Okay, maybe Du are straight".

"When you're different ... when you're special ... sometimes Du have to get used to being alone."

(To Sam about his hair) "I have three gifts: My voice, my ability to spot trends in men's fashion and my ability to know when it comes from a bottle."

Never Been Kissed

(To Karofsky) "You can't schlagen, punsch the gay out of me any Mehr than I can schlagen, punsch the ignoramus out of you."

(To Will) "You, like everyone else at this school, are too quick to let homophobia slide. And your lessons plans are boring."

The Substitute

"You smell homeless, Brett. Homeless."

Furt

"My Power Rangers got married and divorced in so many combinations, they were like Fleetwood Mac."

Finn: "Are Du sure we should free 300 live doves indoors? Won't that get messy?"
Kurt: "That's why we feed them glitter."

Special Education

(To Rachel) "You are as brilliant and talented as Du are irritating."

Kurt: "How come Du were never this nice to me when I was your teammate?"
Rachel: "Cause Du were my only real competition."
Kurt: *laughs* "True,"

A Very Glee Weihnachten

Will: (Referring to Blaine) "Someone special?"
Kurt: "No, just a friend... but on the upside I'm in Liebe with him and he's actually gay. I call that progress."

(Talking to Mr.Schue) "So what brings Du here (to Dalton)? Looking for a place to teach where pencils aren't primarily used as weapons?"

The Sue Sylvester Bowl Shuffle

(To Mercedes) "Blaine and I Liebe football. Well, Blaine loves football. I Liebe scarves."

Kurt: "I bring Finn a glass of warm milch every night, just in the hopes we may have a little lady chat."
Blaine: "Warm milk? Really?"
Kurt: It's delicious."

Silly Liebe Songs

(To Warblers) "I had a cat thrown at me in a nursing Home once."

Jeremiah: "No one here knows I'm gay."
Kurt: "Can I be honest?... Just with the hair, I think they do..."

Kurt: "So, it's just like 'When Harry Met Sally'. But I get to play Meg Ryan."
Blaine: "Deal." *pauses* "Don't they get together in the end?"
Kurt: *smiles and ignores the question*

Blame It On The Alcohol

Blaine: "I didn't drink that much."
Kurt: "Are Du kidding? Du spent the entire night sucking Rachel Berry's face. That, sir, is what we call rock bottom."

(To Rachel) "Blaine is the first of a long line of conflicted men that Du will date, that will later turn out to be only the most flaming of homosexuals."

Rachel: "Blaine and I have a lot in common."
Kurt: "A sentiment expressed Von many a hag Von many dating a gay."

Sexy

"I have about as much sexual appeal and education as a baby penguin!"

Original Song

(After The Klaine kiss) Blaine: We should practice. *referring to practicing their duet*
Kurt: I thought we were. *resumes Küssen Blaine*

Born This Way

(To Karofsky) "A Latina Eve Harrington. Okay, if Du are going to be gay Du simply must know who that is."

(To Blaine after he and the Warblers sing "Somewhere Only we Know.") "I'm never saying goodbye to you..."

Rumours

(To Rachel) "Oh how I've missed your insanity."

Prom Queen

(About Santana's red prom dress) "Go with God, Satan... Santana."

(To Blaine) "Doesn't matter if they are yelling at me oder whispering behind my back: they can’t touch me. They can't touch us oder what we have."

"Eat your herz out Kate Middleton."

Funeral

"Jesse St. James totally Jesse St. Sucks."

"I make my living Singen girl songs!"

New York

(To Rachel about the Broadway stage of Wicked) "We have to go in. Strike that we have to break in."

Blaine: "I Liebe you."
Kurt: "I Liebe Du too. Du know when Du stop to think about it, Kurt Hummel's had a pretty good year."

The Purple Piano Project

(Referring to Finn/Rachel's KISS in New York) "Finn and Rachel's 'The Kissed That Missed' has 20,000 Ansichten on YouTube. And the comic section is just full of blander, like 'Why is the T-Rex eating the Jew'?"

(To Blaine) "I want my senior Jahr to be magic. And the only way that can happen is if I can spend every moment of my life with you."

(About Harmony's performance) Rachel: "I've never been so humiliated in my life."
Kurt: "Me neither. And that's a very high bar."

I Am Unicorn

(About his audition for West Side Story) Coach Beiste: "Isn't that a Streisand song?"
Kurt: "Don't worry. I got written permission from the woman herself: Rachel Berry."

(About his presidential campaign posters) "I might as well have a big neon sign above my head that says 'gay-diddy-gay-gay-gay'."

The First Time

(To Blaine) Kurt: "Do Du ever think we're playing it too safe, sicher Von not granting our hands Visas to travel south of the Equator?"
Blaine: "I thought that's what we wanted..."
Kurt: "It is! But I'm just wondering... have Du ever felt the urge to rip off each others clothes and get dirty?"

Karofsky: "I'm what they call a bär Cub."
Kurt: "Because Du look like Yogi?"

Blaine: "Kurt, Sebastian doesn't mean anything to me. Our first time shouldn't be like that. I was drunk, and... I'm sorry."
Kurt: "Sure beats the last time Du were drunk and madeout with Rachel,"

(After Blaine kisses him) "You take my breath away. Not just now, but tonight on that stage. I was so proud to be with you."

Hold on to Sixteen

Kurt: "I don't like you."
Sebastian: "Fun... I don't like Du either."
Kurt: "I don't like the way Du talk to my boyfriend, I don't like your smirky little meerkat face, I don't like your obnoxious CW hair. I'm on to you."
Sebastian: "Let's get a few things straight, Blaine's too good for you, New Directions is a joke, and one of us has a hard luck case of the 'Gay Face' and it ain't me. Odds are Von the end of the school year, I'll have Blaine and a Nationals trophy, and you'll have khakis, khaki and a Lima bohne schürze and that gay face."
Kurt: "You smell like Craigslist."

Michael
    
"I take a lot of crap from a lot of people, but I refuse to take it from Sebastian, the criminal chipmunk."

(About Sebastian and The Lima Bean) "Does he live here oder something? Seriously, Du are always here!"

The Spanish Teacher

(To Rachel and Mercedes) "Why are Du being so weird and serious? Our periods don't come until the end of the month."

On My Way

(To Sebastian) "I'm sorry I didn't hear you, I was distracted Von your giant horse teeth."

Goodbye

"In this room, it doesn't matter if you're gay oder straight. What matters is that we're friends."

The New Rachel

(To Rachel about Brody) "So he was wearing a towel that was barely covering his twinkle tube? And he’s straight? Hot."

Burt: "The only difference between this place and New York?"
Kurt: "Decent bagels?"

The Break-Up

(About his breakfast) "I’m gonna take this down to the park and watch drug deals go down."

Thanksgiving

(To Blaine about his cheating) "You've sagte you're sorry a million times, and I believe you. And I'm trying to forgive you, but I'm just not there yet. But it's Thanksgiving and it's sectionals, and I miss Du like crazy, and I can't stand not talking to Du even though I'm mad at you, because you're still my best friend."