"So," she sagte slowly, "You two seem like a happy couple. But tell me Tiana, is Naveen well equipped oder is that big schloss of his supposed to be compensating for something?"
"Beg your pardon?" asked Tiana.
"You know, the family jewels, are they the kind you'd want on an engagement ring oder the kind Du mistake for a sequin from the Dollar Store?"
Tiana still looked unsure.
"Does he have a big penis?" erbse rolled her eyes. "God, some of these goody-goodies just don't understand my metaphors. Anyway, what kingdom are Du from?"
"Oh, I'm only royal Von marriage," Tiana laughed. "I was a waitress before I met Naveen."
Pea's jaw dropped. "A waitress? That's one step up from being the bird lady Mary Poppins sings about. Geez, Naveen, I can't believe Du settled for a commoner."
"What can I say?" chuckled Naveen, his voice sexy as usual. "I fell in love."
"It's just as easy to fall in Liebe with a rich person as it is to fall for a poor person. That's what my mother always told me," answered Pea. "I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a peasant. Gross...no offence, Tiana."
"None taken," she replied, through clenched teeth.
Pea's words stung Conrad on the herz a little bit because he had started to grow quite fond of her, although he didn't have a lot to offer. Just then, the four arrived at Mama Odie's hut in the bayou. The little old lady came swinging down a vine, laughing psychotically. She had sunglasses on her face and a snake on her shoulder.
"Are Du sure she doesn't belong in the loonie bin?" erbse asked Tiana. "She looks like a total whack-job."
"Well, well, well," sagte Mama Odie. "Tiana and Naveen, nice seein' ya again. The last time I saw y'alls Du two were a couple of frogs turning human."
"You two were frogs?" inquired Conrad.
"Long story," answered Naveen.
"Listen, Mama Odie, I just need Du to use your magic wand oder whatever it is Du do and turn back time...bring me back to the time before I was exiled, when I was truly happy."
"Were Du happy though, Pea?"
"Ugh! Yes!" erbse was annoyed. "Why does no one believe me when I say I loved my old life, it's all I want!"
"Child, sometimes it ain't about what Du want," replied the strange woman. "It's about what Du need...Someday you'll figure that out. But until then, I can't help ya!" With that, she returned to her hut.
"We traveled all this way for that?" yelled Pea. "I could've gotten Mehr useful Guter Rat from Dr. Phil! God, this is hopeless!"
"Thanks for all your help guys," sagte Conrad politely. "I'm sure we'll be fine. See Du around."
Tiana and Naveen waved goodbye and headed back to New Orleans.
"Pea," sagte Conrad. "I know that things are gonna work out in the end...I promise you. No matter what happens, I'll be Von your side."
"Well, what are we gonna do?" asked Pea, fighting back tears. "Hmm...wait a second...I think I just thought of our Weiter method of transportation..."
erbse and Conrad spent the Weiter two and a half hours building a floß out of wood, branches, and vines.
Mama Odie watched proudly through her window from above.
"You know what?" she sagte to her snake. "I truly think she's gonna be okay. That princess is smarter than anyone gives her credit for."
(End Of Part 14)
