"I think it's working," Carissa smiled at me. I sat between her and Rigby on the bench. Already, I felt great. My herz was racing, and I almost couldn't sit still. After a few moments though, my eyes started to hurt. "They're just dilating," Carissa told me. "Here." She took off her sunglasses and handed them to me. I noticed her eyes seemed sunken in, and there were gray circles underneath her eyes. She blew her cigarette smoke in my direction.
"Thanks," I sagte energetically. My mind was racing, I could barely spit out the words.
"Just don't tell anyone," Jordan sagte on the other side of the circle. "We don't need to get busted again."
"It'll be fine," Carissa sagte calmly, sucking on her cigarette again. She looked at me. "You won't tell... Will you?" Was she kidding me? I hadn't felt this great in forever! I don't think I'd ever been the happy; period!
"No," I sagte quickly.
"Good," Carissa said.
:"We'll give this to Du free for a week," Rigby said. "But Weiter week you're gonna have to start paying for it. This stuff gets pretty expensive."
"Ok," I replied. How bad could it be? Already, I knew it'd be worth it. The glocke rang, and we started heading inside. I handed Carissa her sunglasses back when we got inside, but it still hurt a little bit, from the lights hanging overhead.
"Here," Carissa said. She ruffled my hair, moving my bangs in front of my face. "Just don't make eye contact with anyone, and they won't know. Du look like a freakin' owl." She grinned at me before heading off to class.
***
After school, my high was over. I moped around, waiting for the bus. I almost wanted to cry, when the empty feeling returned, making me feel Mehr empty than ever.
"Hey Shelby," Emery said. Jezreel showed up at his side, still nearly silent. "We missed Du at lunch." Miss me? They never even eat with me.
"Yeah," I said, nodding.
"...Where were you?" he prompted.
"I..." I opened my mouth to speak, but then remembered what Jordan had said. I can't tell anyone about this. And Emery already knew what Carissa and her Friends were up to; he'd know what we were doing. "I had to finish a test," I sagte quickly.
"Oh," he replied. A car pulled up, with a woman waving at us. "That's my mom," Emery said. Jezreel followed him to the car, and they both got in, finally leaving me alone.
"Hey you," a sweet voice sagte behind me. I turned around to see Carissa. Already, I felt relaxed with her around me. She reached over and put a paper bag in the pocket of my hoodie. "You'll probably need this," she winked at me. Her face grew serious. "Again. Don't get caught."
"I won't. I promise." Carissa nodded slowly, like she was scanning me.
"Ok... Cause I got caught last year, and I do not want that happening again," she sighed. She bit the inside of her cheek, then shrugged. "Well, I'll see ya later. Have fun," she smiled at me.
***
I closed the front door, feeling very guilty.
"Hi Shelby," Blair called from the kitchen. "How was your day?"
"Fine..." I said, walking slowly up the stairs. Blair walked around and stood at the bottom. Her innocent eyes felt like missiles pointed at me.
"Have any trouble at school today?" Her Frage made my herz lunge, but then I remember telling her about bullies.
"Uh... No.." I said. Before she could speak again, I spoke quickly." I should get working on my homework." I ran up the rest of the stairs into my bedroom, closing the door behind me. I even actually worked on my homework for a while.
Once I was finished, I carefully took the paper bag out of my pocket, and examined it. It was powder cocaine, the same stuff I'd been gegeben earlier. I poured a tiny bit of it onto my fingers, and rubbed it, testing myself. Sure, the high was great. But what if Emery had been serious about Carissa and her friends? Did I really want to go down this road? At that moment, everything flooded to mind. Mom. Matt. The pain. The neglect. The loneliness. Feeling the weigh of the world on my shoulders. Practically having to be a mother to my sisters. Being their teacher. Their protector. Feeling like everything was my fault. Knowing everything was Mom's fault. Being abandoned Von her.
I need this. Just before I raised my hand to my nose, there was a tap on the door, and Blair let herself in. I quickly shoved the paper bag into the drawer of my desk, and wiped the powder off onto my pant leg.
"You doin' alright?" Blair asked. I nodded.
"Yeah. Fine. Why?" She walked in closer, making the hairs stand up on the back of my neck.
"I just want to make sure you're feeling ok. Du seem to be... Du haven't really adjusted well to these changes. Not that I blame you. I was thinking.... Maybe you'd want to see someone?" I blinked. "To talk?" Silence. "Like a therapist?" she prompted. Oh crap.
"Uh, no," I sagte quickly. "No, no, no. I'm fine," I insisted.
"Are Du sure?" Blair asked unsurely. I nodded.
"Yeah. Things are gonna get better. I promise." Blair still didn't look convinced. "And... I even made some Friends today." Her face perked up.
"Really?"
"Really. And... I was thinking about hanging out with them soon. If that's ok."
"That's fine, Shelby! I'm glad Du made some friends." Blair patted my head before leaving, thankfully closing the door behind her. I sighed, slumping down in my seat, and taking out the paper bag from my schreibtisch drawer.
Yeah, I told myself, things are going to get better.
"Thanks," I sagte energetically. My mind was racing, I could barely spit out the words.
"Just don't tell anyone," Jordan sagte on the other side of the circle. "We don't need to get busted again."
"It'll be fine," Carissa sagte calmly, sucking on her cigarette again. She looked at me. "You won't tell... Will you?" Was she kidding me? I hadn't felt this great in forever! I don't think I'd ever been the happy; period!
"No," I sagte quickly.
"Good," Carissa said.
:"We'll give this to Du free for a week," Rigby said. "But Weiter week you're gonna have to start paying for it. This stuff gets pretty expensive."
"Ok," I replied. How bad could it be? Already, I knew it'd be worth it. The glocke rang, and we started heading inside. I handed Carissa her sunglasses back when we got inside, but it still hurt a little bit, from the lights hanging overhead.
"Here," Carissa said. She ruffled my hair, moving my bangs in front of my face. "Just don't make eye contact with anyone, and they won't know. Du look like a freakin' owl." She grinned at me before heading off to class.
***
After school, my high was over. I moped around, waiting for the bus. I almost wanted to cry, when the empty feeling returned, making me feel Mehr empty than ever.
"Hey Shelby," Emery said. Jezreel showed up at his side, still nearly silent. "We missed Du at lunch." Miss me? They never even eat with me.
"Yeah," I said, nodding.
"...Where were you?" he prompted.
"I..." I opened my mouth to speak, but then remembered what Jordan had said. I can't tell anyone about this. And Emery already knew what Carissa and her Friends were up to; he'd know what we were doing. "I had to finish a test," I sagte quickly.
"Oh," he replied. A car pulled up, with a woman waving at us. "That's my mom," Emery said. Jezreel followed him to the car, and they both got in, finally leaving me alone.
"Hey you," a sweet voice sagte behind me. I turned around to see Carissa. Already, I felt relaxed with her around me. She reached over and put a paper bag in the pocket of my hoodie. "You'll probably need this," she winked at me. Her face grew serious. "Again. Don't get caught."
"I won't. I promise." Carissa nodded slowly, like she was scanning me.
"Ok... Cause I got caught last year, and I do not want that happening again," she sighed. She bit the inside of her cheek, then shrugged. "Well, I'll see ya later. Have fun," she smiled at me.
***
I closed the front door, feeling very guilty.
"Hi Shelby," Blair called from the kitchen. "How was your day?"
"Fine..." I said, walking slowly up the stairs. Blair walked around and stood at the bottom. Her innocent eyes felt like missiles pointed at me.
"Have any trouble at school today?" Her Frage made my herz lunge, but then I remember telling her about bullies.
"Uh... No.." I said. Before she could speak again, I spoke quickly." I should get working on my homework." I ran up the rest of the stairs into my bedroom, closing the door behind me. I even actually worked on my homework for a while.
Once I was finished, I carefully took the paper bag out of my pocket, and examined it. It was powder cocaine, the same stuff I'd been gegeben earlier. I poured a tiny bit of it onto my fingers, and rubbed it, testing myself. Sure, the high was great. But what if Emery had been serious about Carissa and her friends? Did I really want to go down this road? At that moment, everything flooded to mind. Mom. Matt. The pain. The neglect. The loneliness. Feeling the weigh of the world on my shoulders. Practically having to be a mother to my sisters. Being their teacher. Their protector. Feeling like everything was my fault. Knowing everything was Mom's fault. Being abandoned Von her.
I need this. Just before I raised my hand to my nose, there was a tap on the door, and Blair let herself in. I quickly shoved the paper bag into the drawer of my desk, and wiped the powder off onto my pant leg.
"You doin' alright?" Blair asked. I nodded.
"Yeah. Fine. Why?" She walked in closer, making the hairs stand up on the back of my neck.
"I just want to make sure you're feeling ok. Du seem to be... Du haven't really adjusted well to these changes. Not that I blame you. I was thinking.... Maybe you'd want to see someone?" I blinked. "To talk?" Silence. "Like a therapist?" she prompted. Oh crap.
"Uh, no," I sagte quickly. "No, no, no. I'm fine," I insisted.
"Are Du sure?" Blair asked unsurely. I nodded.
"Yeah. Things are gonna get better. I promise." Blair still didn't look convinced. "And... I even made some Friends today." Her face perked up.
"Really?"
"Really. And... I was thinking about hanging out with them soon. If that's ok."
"That's fine, Shelby! I'm glad Du made some friends." Blair patted my head before leaving, thankfully closing the door behind her. I sighed, slumping down in my seat, and taking out the paper bag from my schreibtisch drawer.
Yeah, I told myself, things are going to get better.
The pain Du caused isn't what scarred me
The burning tears Du left me to shed isn't what burned me
Your last words aren't what hindered me
It was the Legend.
That endless struggle to win
To fight back
To not toss and turn in my bed
That secure feeling I had before you
To feel as a sharp as a pencil lead
Now that loneliness I feel without you
A constant reminder
Feeling my herz beat again
Done with the breathtaking moments
And the heart-skipping kisses
To breathe again
Over and Done with
It wasn't those tears
It wasn't those words
It wasn't all that pain Du left me to bare.
It wasn't the legend Du were when Du were here
But the legacy in my herz that Du left!
The burning tears Du left me to shed isn't what burned me
Your last words aren't what hindered me
It was the Legend.
That endless struggle to win
To fight back
To not toss and turn in my bed
That secure feeling I had before you
To feel as a sharp as a pencil lead
Now that loneliness I feel without you
A constant reminder
Feeling my herz beat again
Done with the breathtaking moments
And the heart-skipping kisses
To breathe again
Over and Done with
It wasn't those tears
It wasn't those words
It wasn't all that pain Du left me to bare.
It wasn't the legend Du were when Du were here
But the legacy in my herz that Du left!
There I was. *sigh* Just sitting there, waiting for him. Who? Du ask? My crush, Patrick Wellsiben, he was the one for me. Let alone, him being THE most beliebt boy in school, I was known as a loser. I was the omega of the wolf pack. What am I talking about? Nevermind. My conscience says "Ask him out!", but my guts say "Don't do it you! He's gonna say no!" I don't know what to do! He comes near me and says "Hey." I stand there like a scarecrow smiling. "I feel stupid." "So stupid." Why shouldn't I get the attention from populars? I have short, thick black hair, I wear tank tops all the time, regular jeans and converse. So much for fitting in.
It's Funny, I Use To Be Popular. At First Some People Loved Me And Others Hated Me. Now Everyone Hates Me. Even My Old Best Friends. Du See, I Always Found A Flaw In Everyone And Used It To Hurt Them. Not Physicly Hurt. I Made Them Feel Horrible About Them Selves. I Was The Reason Du Cried On The Way Home. The Reason Du Fake Sicked. Of Course Karma Came And Hit Me Like A Ton Of Bricks. I Try Hard To Be Nice, But No One At School Pays Attention To Me. Except Teachers. I Even Tried Sitting With My Old Friends.
"Hey, Guys!" I Said
"What Are Du Doing Here?" sagte Lexi Illing
"I Just Wanted To Sit With You."
"Well, Their's No Room"
"Yeah, Right There." I sagte Pointing To The Empty Chair At The End.
"Well," sagte Victoria Khan Placing Her Bücher On The Seat. "Now It's Taken."
Everyone Laughed. Except Me Of Course. I Just Walked Away. Wishing, I Had Never Been So Cruel.
"Hey, Guys!" I Said
"What Are Du Doing Here?" sagte Lexi Illing
"I Just Wanted To Sit With You."
"Well, Their's No Room"
"Yeah, Right There." I sagte Pointing To The Empty Chair At The End.
"Well," sagte Victoria Khan Placing Her Bücher On The Seat. "Now It's Taken."
Everyone Laughed. Except Me Of Course. I Just Walked Away. Wishing, I Had Never Been So Cruel.