Princess erbse stood in the wedding gazebo Weiter to Prince Bartholomew, with all eyes on her. She knew that everyone was waiting on her to say "I do" and make the union official. Come on, Pea, she thought to herself...Two simple words and everything goes back to the way it was. You've been dreaming all your life of marrying a handsome prince and living happily ever after in a beautiful castle. Now all Du have to do is say the word and it's yours. Du can have what Du envied from all the other girls you've met. You'll be blissful and merry like that flat-chested princess with the high pitched voice Du met in the woods weeks ago. You'll feel accomplished and proud like that crossdressing Chinese chick Du met. You'll have a man of your own like Jasmine, Cinderella, Ariel and Tiana. Du won't end up in a tragedy like Pocahontas did. Maybe you'll even learn to Liebe Bartholomew, the way Belle learned to Liebe the Beast...
    "Pea," whispered Prince Bartholomew, interrupting her train of thought. "Hurry up, you're embarrassing me."
    "Oh," Pea's mind was elsewhere. "I..."
    The crowd stared at the princess anxiously.
    "I need a drink of water," erbse said. A butler immediately scurried towards her.
    "Your highness, it'll be a few moments before we can get Du some water. Right now all we have is the traditional celebratory champagne," he sagte in a British accent.
    "Great, that'll do the trick," erbse popped open the bottle and poured it into a glass. She finished the glass in three Sekunden flat. The crowd was bewildered Von her lack of etiquette and watched in shock as the princess chucked the glass on the ground casually.
    "What are Du doing?" asked Prince Bartholomew. erbse gazed into the audience and saw her mother, Queen Annalynne, looking furiously at her.
    "Let's try this again, shall we?" asked the priest. "Princess Peanalita, do Du take Prince Bartholomew to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
    Pea didn't waste another moment. "I can't," she replied. Everyone gasped.
    "What do Du mean, Du can't?" asked the prince through clenched teeth.
    "Would Du like me to find Du a dictionary?" erbse rolled her eyes. "Or are your Lesen skills just as bad as your comprehension skills?"
    "How dare you!" Bartholomew slapped erbse across the face. "Princesses must be respectful and worshipping towards their princes!"
    "Apologize at once, Peanalita!" Annalynne stood up from her seat.
    "Apologize?" erbse was astounded. "Are Du crazy? He just slapped me!"
    "Yes, I did!" Bartholomew yelled. "Women who are disrespectful to their superiors get punished!"
    "Then I suppose the same goes for men," erbse answered. With that, she punched the arrogant jerk in the face. "You know, I was gonna try and let Du down easy but now that I see what a big, hairy dick Du are, I'm happy to dump your sorry ass. In fact, why don't I just tell everyone here the truth? I'm in Liebe with someone else! And even though he doesn't Liebe me anymore, I'm not gonna marry some rich snob just so I can have a few nice dresses...okay a thousand really gorgeous dresses with hand-stiched satin bows and the finest fabric from Europe...but Du get my point." Princess erbse left Prince Bartholomew, who was on the ground tending his bloody nose. As she began to hurry down the aisle towards the exit, Annalynne stopped her.
    "Peanalita, what do Du think you're doing?" Queen Annalynne scolded. "You're giving up everything Du ever wanted! And for what? Conrad doesn't even Liebe you!"
    "So?" erbse asked. "The last time I checked the solution to getting your herz broken wasn't marry some Zufällig dude with a fat wallet. If I go through with this marriage, I'll end up like you..."
    "And what's wrong with that?" Annalynne was offended. "I'm beautiful, powerful, and rich. What could possibly be Mehr satisfying?"
    "Yes, but you're also stuck-up, selfish, bitter, cruel, and disliked Von practically everyone." erbse responded. "You know, before I got banished, I was on my way to becoming just like you, oder even worse. But the Tag I left the schloss was the Tag I realized I wanted all the wrong things in life. The reason I was such a hündin was because I wasn't really happy. And once again, I don't know where I'm headed, but I know that I have a better chance of finding happiness in the middle of nowhere than in some stuffy castle."
    "Why, Du ungrateful little brat!" yelled Annalynne. "I've gegeben Du everything Du could ever want in life and this is how Du thank me? I was a loving mother to you!"
    "No! When the rest of our kingdom wanted me gone, Du exiled me immediately to save your own reputation!" erbse kept walking. "Face it, Mother, Du only love me when I have something that will benefit you. Like this marriage, don't think I believed for one Sekunde that Du actually give a rat's arsch whether oder not I'm happy."
    "Where are Du going, Du silly girl?" Annalynne called after her. "You have nothing without me! Even that filthy peasant boyfriend of yours sagte Du don't have a brain beneath that pretty face!"
    "Well, I...hey,wait a second..." Something occured to Princess Pea. When Annalynne had gegeben her the letter in which Conrad broke up with her, it was in an envelope, unopened. And after erbse read it to herself, she'd crumpled it up and thrown it away. So how on Earth could her mother possibly know in detail what Conrad sagte to her in the note? "YOU!" erbse stormed back over towards her mother. "You wrote that letter, didn't you?"
    "What? I did no such thing!"
    "Mother, that line didn't work when Du tried to deny the botox and it ain't working now," replied Pea.
    "I only did it to protect you," Annalynne tried to seem compassionate. "I knew Du would be making a mistake to stay with that boy. So I did what was necessary for your own well-being."
    "Wrong again, Du did it to trick me into thinking that I should marry Bartholomew!" erbse cried. "How could Du be so selfish? That's low even for you...breaking your daughter's herz and preventing her from being with her true Liebe so that Du can get Mehr money!"
    "What are Du going to do about it? Slap me like Du did the prince?" Annalynne asked. "You're still the weak little girl you've always been."
    "No, I have a punch-no-more-than-one-person-a-day rule. However, I haven't done this yet." erbse ripped off a large chunk of her wedding cake and threw it onto Annalynne.
    "Later, Mommy Dearest. And don't bother trying to find me with that tracking device, I'm finally over the whole tiara trend." erbse skipped out of the back gates of the castle, off to find Conrad and set things right.
    Princess erbse hurried outside the palace gates into the village. She ran along the cobblestone streets hoping to find some mode of tranportation. I've got to get back to Beast's castle, maybe Conrad is still there, erbse thought hopefully to herself. Suddenly, she noticed a large carriage with a driver that practically had "stupid" written on his forehead.
    "Yo, dude!" erbse yelled at him. "There's a hundred bucks taped to the back of your carriage." As the kutscher stepped out to check the back, erbse hopped into the driver's sitz and yelled. "Sorry, but this is an emergency!" She rode off on the carriage. A few hours passed and erbse finally found the castle. The Beast's schloss looked as though it had been on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. It was no longer dark and gloomy but instead bright and beautiful. erbse hurried inside...
    "Belle!" erbse cried out.
    "Pea!" Belle hugged the princess. "We were worried, Du just vanished so suddenly without saying goodbye! So much has happened since Du left. Beast has transformed into a human! In fact, his real name is Prince Adam. Du see, as it turns out, he and all of the people who lived in this schloss were under a spell that could only be broken if-"
    "Belle, honey, I don't wanna be rude but I really don't give a flying fuck right now! I'm in the middle of a crisis!" erbse interrupted. "Where's Conrad?"
    "He left right after Du disappeared," Belle replied. "He seemed depressed about Du leaving without notice."
    "Damn it, how will I ever find him now?"
    "Well," Belle thought for a moment. "When Gaston invaded the schloss to attack Adam, he had the magic mirror...but he didn't have it when he went upstairs to find Adam...so...he must have left it around...here it is!"
    "I know I'm gorgeous but how exactly is a mirror gonna help me?" erbse asked, as Belle handed her the mirror.
    "It's enchanted, it will Zeigen Du anything Du wish to see," Belle answered. "Best of luck, Pea! I have to get changed, Adam and I are marrying this afternoon!" She hurried upstairs.
    Princess erbse spoke to the mirror. "I wish to see Conrad." The mirror shone brightly and then showed Conrad. He seemed to be in a schloss of some sort. erbse recognized it after a moment of brief confusion. "Hey, I've been to the schloss before...years ago...when I was a little girl...We visited it one Christmas...Of course! That's King Stefan's castle! What the heck is Conrad doing there? I've got to get to him!"
    Pea ran outside of the schloss as night began to fall. She hopped back into the driving sitz of the carriage and ordered the Pferde to take her to King Stefan's kingdom. Hours rolled by. erbse was cold, mierable and utterly convinced that the Pferde had no idea where they were going. Just as she was about to lose all hope, she realized they'd reached a forest. She jumped off of the carriage and ran through the woods. She saw the schloss in the distance. The moon shone brightly. erbse ran as fast as her feet could carry her towards the castle. Everbody in the entire kingdom seemed to be asleep which erbse found rather peculiar. She hurried through the schloss doors and found her way up a tower. She walked into a room where a beautiful girl was sleeping in a bed. The girl had long golden curls and wore a blue dress. She had a rose carefully tucked beneath her hands.
    "Where is Conrad?" erbse wondered aloud. Suddenly, she heard voices approaching.
    "Congratulations, Phillip! You've defeated Maleficent!" sagte one voice.
    "Now Du must awaken Rose with true love's kiss," added another.
    Just then, a handsome prince and three plump little Elfen came into the room.
    "Who are you?" asked the prince.
    "I'm depressed," erbse cried. "My one true Liebe was supposed to be in this schloss and I can't find him anywhere."
    "Well, there's my one true love," he pointed at the sleeping girl. He stepped towards her and leaned in for a kiss.
    "Isn't that like datum rape oder something?" erbse asked as she wiped a tear off her cheek.
    The girl's eyes opened and she smiled up at her prince.
    "Oh, there's so much to explain!" sagte the fairy in blue while clapping excitedly. She flew over to the girl, who was getting out of the bed. "Rose, the boy Du met in the woods just so happens to be Prince Phillip! The one you're betrothed to! So even though Du have to marry a prince, it turns out the prince is the boy Du wanted to marry all along! Isn't that wonderful?"
    "Yes," replied the girl. "But what am I doing lying in a bed? The last thing I remember, Du three brought me to the schloss and I heard an eerie voice calling my name."
    "Should we tell her?" the fairy in green asked the Elfen in blue and red.
    "Nah," they all agreed. "Aurora, all that matters is that Du two are together at last." Aurora and Phillip hugged.
    "You two are lucky, man," erbse spoke up. "Never take each other for granted. Because sometimes Du lose the person Du Liebe before Du get to tell them how Du feel." She continued to cry.
    "You poor darling!" sagte Aurora sympathetically. She hugged Pea. "I'm sure things will work out for Du somehow."
    "Now that I think of it...Fauna, Merryweather, we did meet a handsome young man earlier today, didn't we?" asked the fairy in red.
    "Yes, Flora, you're right!" answered Fauna. "He sagte his name was Conrad."
    "That's him!" Pea's herz filled with hope. "Oh, where did he say he was going?"
    "Well," sagte Merryweather. "He told us that he had Lost his one true Liebe and felt like dying. We tried to make him feel better but nothing helped. We asked him if he'd mind watching over Aurora while we put the rest of the kingdom to sleep. He agreed politely...but if he's not here...there's a chance he...oh dear, there's a chance he might have run in to...Maleficent."
    "Who's Maleficent?" asked Pea.
    "The mistress of all evil," answered Merryweather. "We must pray Conrad didn't kreuz paths with her...she's incredibly devious. She kills innocent people for the joy of it."
    "You mean to say if Conrad went to the tower and Maleficent was there, he's probably...dead?" erbse was horrified.
    "Well, there's only one way to find out," sagte Flora. "Aurora, Phillip, Du two must prepare for the ceremony."
    "Good luck," Aurora waved goodbye to erbse as she and Phillip headed down the tower stairs, hand in hand.
    "You, my dear, come with us," Flora told Pea. With a wave of their wands, the three Elfen carried erbse throughout the castle. They searched everywhere, soaring through the sky. Princess erbse looked below them to see a balcony with Conrad lying on it.
    "NOOOOOO!" cried Pea. The Elfen sadly descended her onto the balcony. "Why is he lying there? Why would Maleficent just take his life away?"
    "I'm so sorry, dear," Fauna was crying. "That's just how Maleficent's always been. She was heartless."
    Rain began to pour down on the balcony. erbse lay on oben, nach oben of Conrad's lifeless body. She wished Mehr than anything she could turn back time. "Conrad, wake up," erbse cried. "I don't know what my mother told Du but it was a lie...please don't leave me like this...I'm alone in this world without you...wake up...I know I sagte I wanted a prince but I finally see that you are my prince, Du always have been...PLEASE..."
    Pea sobbed, her tears landing uncontrollably as the rain poured down on her. "It's too late, Du can't leave me, I'm already in Liebe with you!" She lay her head on his breathless chest.
    "There is, however, one remedy to Maleficent's spinning wheel curse," Flora realized. "The KISS of true love."
    Pea turned back to Conrad's body and lifted his head up carefully. She gently kissed his soft lips. After a moment of thinking that Conrad would never come back to her, his eyes opened. He smiled up at Pea.
    "Pea? W-What are Du doing here? I thought Du were in Liebe with Prince Bartholomew..." he said, his voice soft and weak.
    "Two words," erbse smiled down at him, half laughing, half crying. "Bullshit."
    Conrad grinned and picked himself up off the ground. He lifted erbse into the air and spun her around. They kissed again.
     The three Elfen cheered gleefully. Princess erbse had found her prince at last. Even though he wasn't technically a prince, he was the prince for her.
    The Weiter afternoon, Princess erbse and Conrad married in the forest. Snow White, Mulan, Jasmine, Cinderella, Ariel, Tiana, Pocahontas, Belle, and Aurora were all present. From that Tag forward, Peanalita and Conrad spent their days together, madly in love.
    Although they bickered occasionally, it was always led to sizzling hot make-up sex. Princess erbse had learned so many things over the course of her journey. She'd learned that true happiness can't be bought. She'd learned that princes can be Mehr trouble than they're worth. Speaking of princes, after being abandoned at the altar, Bartholomew gave up on marriage and opened his own tattoo parlor...things are going great for him, if Du exclude the fact he's being sued Von Captain Hook for using an infected needle. erbse had also learned that there was a lot Mehr to herself than a pretty face, great hair, and expensive clothes. Speaking of clothes and great hair, Queen Annalynne was soon exiled from her own kingdom and now spends her days selling her designer clothes for Essen on a straße corner in Agrabah. Pea, however, was living blissfully with her man. erbse apologized to her father-in-law Leopold, who used to be her royal assistant, for all the years of hell she'd put him through. She sold all of her tiaras and used the money to build a fun boarding school for underprivileged little girls. She'd also learned that sometimes getting exiled from your own shallow life is just what Du need to see the world Mehr clearly. Princess erbse now lived in a medium-sized cottage in the forest with her non-royal husband. She opened a clothing Shop in the comfort of her own home. They eventually went through the trials and tribulations of raising two daughters. Not exactly the happily ever after erbse had always imagined. In fact, in spite of losing a fortune, she had gained everything that truly matters. And erbse had never been happier.
    "And not to be rude, but I'm like so sure that my happily ever after is way better than yours!" erbse grinned.