Song: link
St. Foalis Maressouri, 6 PM.
A crowd of thousands of ponies gathered at the Gateway Arch to experience a comedy Zeigen that was being filmed live in 4k. The comedian? Tom Foolery.
Crowd: *Clapping, and chanting* Tom! Tom! Tom! Tom! Tom! Tom! Tom!
Tom: *Arrives at a temporary stage under the Gateway Arch*
Crowd: *Cheering, as they continue to clap*
Tom: Thank Du everypony.
Crowd: *Continuing to cheer and clap*
Tom: Thank Du very much.
Crowd: *Continuing to cheer and clap*
Tom: And shut up.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: *Looks above him* Wow. St. Foalis. Never thought I'd end up here, but I'm very glad to be performing for you.
Crowd: Yeah!
Tom: I was getting really tired of social distancing.
Crowd: *Cheering*
Tom: I mean what the fuck is so social about it?!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: It defeats the whole purpose of being social to everypony Du meet!
Crowd: Yeah!
Tom: Hello Clyde, get away from me!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: If you're really nervous about getting close to ponies in general, stay in your house.
Crowd: Right!
Tom: Then grab a stool, and some rope, then set your whole house on fire. After all, there is a rumor that heat can kill the coronavirus.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Let's test that theory, shall we?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: And while we're at it, let's test out a few Mehr things. How many Mehr camera's do Du think the new I-phone can handle?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Weiter year's model will probably have 30 of them.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Let's see if we can actually get an electric car to charge faster than 3 hours!
Crowd: *Cheering*
Tom: I am tired of having a nerd with bad eyesight, and bad hygiene coming towards me, and lecturing about how electric cars are better!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: I'll begin to listen when Du can get the battery fully charged as fast as Du can fill up my car's gasoline tank!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: It might come in handy if Tesla considered putting a pantograph on their cars from now on.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Charge the battery while you're driving.
Crowd: Yeah!
Tom: If Amtrak can pull it off, Du can easily do the same for a car.
A train was then heard running in the background.
Tom: *Looks behind him* Well, look at that. Not exactly Amtrak, but close enough.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: I've always wanted to perform live standup comedy, but I never thought I'd do it outside. 95% of Du will agree with me when I say, thank god it's not raining!
Crowd: *Clapping while cheering*
Tom: A lot of ponies are lecturing others to go outside Mehr often, but there are some advantages to being inside, especially when you're alone. There's many things we do while we're alone, but not while we're with other ponies.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Here's one of my personal favorites, running around the house with your underwear on your head, and a whole roll of toilet paper strung around the hallways!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Turning on the heat when it's cold.
Crowd: Yeah!
Tom: My marefriend gets mad at me for that, because she wants to save money.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Here's another thing we only do when we're alone, Lesen a book, and pretending that it's a movie. Du do all the different voices for the characters, and mimic the sound effects.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Playing an app on your cell phone, with the volume on.
Crowd: Yeah! *Cheering*
Tom: No one ever has the volume on when they're near another pony!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: One Mehr thing we do when no one else is around, watching porn.
Crowd: Yeah!
Tom: Because if you're ever caught Von your special somepony, Du will most likely spend the rest of your life alone.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Du know one thing I like to do when I'm alone? Rewatch some episodes of On The Block.
Crowd: *Cheering*
Tom: Not only do I enjoy comedy, but I also enjoy being an actor. It's the only job where Du can get away with murder.
Crowd: *Quietly laughing*
Tom: Unless you're Robert Deniro, and the main protagonist is Al Pacino.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Seeing those two together was a lot of fun, but what really surprised me was seeing Pacino as a cop. He's normally the criminal, but I still got a kick out of hearing him talk. There's a reason Bill Hader loves impersonating him.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: *Impersonating Al* Whaddaya shay I buy Du a cup of coffee?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: I wish Al pulled me over, but Du don't wanna drink too much coffee. Otherwise you'll have enough energy to bounce up to the moon!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: And I don't understand what the fascination is with coffee. Equestrians are hooked on this stuff like the British are with tea.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Half of my Friends literally need this shit to survive! Do Du ever feel that way?
Crowd: Yeah!
Tom: And supposedly Du can't stay awake without it. Ever heard of an alarm clock?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: It's a really fascinating device, set it up at the time Du want to wake up, and you're awake. No need to drink anything!
Crowd: *Laughing, and clapping*
Tom: Well. *Scratches the back of his head* I could be wrong there. Your mouth might feel dry, so it does help to drink water.
Crowd: Yeah.
Tom: In fact I'm gonna do that now. *Heads for a water bottle to his left, and takes a sip* If we had this in the cup, a fly would likely be bathing inside.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: That's another thing I don't like about this so called pandemic, outside dining. When it's warm, Du either have to deal with flies, oder too much wind blowing things off your table!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: I remember one time I was at Chimney Rock Inn in Ponyville, and the menu kept getting blown off my table. That's when they offer, the digital menu!
Crowd: *Cheering*
Tom: Du have to use the camera on your cell phone to scan a code, and download the menu. Unless you're out of memory. What do Du do then?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Du have a lot of things on your phone for a reason, Du can't Löschen any of them! *Looks down at his left hoof* Hmm, I can't Löschen this video, since I need to put it on Facebook. I can't Löschen Facebook since I have to Upload some things on there.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Angry Birds is totally out of the question.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Du need that to keep yourself from getting depressed, and killing everypony that lectures Du for not wearing a mask.
Crowd: Yeah!! *Clapping*
Tom: The only mask I like is the movie with Jim Carrey!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: I made an exception when I was visiting a Wal-Mart. I found a mask with the state of Neigh Jersey on it, which also features straps Du can control. Yet everyone I encounter wants to wear those crappy blue surgical masks.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: There's literally no end to seeing these ugly things! Can't we have some variety, and find somepony wearing a different type of mask?!
Crowd: *Cheering*
Tom: Anyway, I bought the mask because it sagte Neigh Jersey on it, since that's the state I live in, but I've always wanted to come to St. Foalis, so just before the Zeigen started, I bought another mask from another Wal-Mart.
Crowd: *Quietly laughing*
Tom: And this one has the gateway arch on it. It seemed appropriate since I'm currently performing for Du under the arch.
Crowd: *Clapping*
Tom: I don't know what's worse, this covid pandemic, oder the presidential election.
Crowd: Yeah!!!
Tom: I don't trust either Trump, oder Biden so I'm not going to vote. *Talks like a filly* But Tom, it's important for the economy!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Losing jobs, and spending money on taxes is not good for the economy!
Crowd: *Cheering*
Tom: I don't give a fuck what ponies tell me. I don't trust the president, I don't trust the princess, I don't trust anyone that works for the Equestrian government! Why? Because they want to steal your money, and take away your jobs!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: The fucking princesses don't even do shit! All they do is raise the sun, and the moon. A job that can already be done Von itself.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Du go to the library, find some Bücher about space, and everything else around our planet earth, and you'll see that Princess Celestia has assigned herself a mediocre task.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: And she did the same thing to her sister, and a purple stranger.
Crowd: *Clapping*
Tom: It's all mediocre, just like this presidential election. Just for once, I'd like to see what would happen if no one, not a single pony voted for any of the candidates!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Our government would collapse just trying to think of a solution to the crisis!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Du know what I imagine? I imagine a special room under the pentagon that no one knows about. Well, almost no one since I'm sharing this with you.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: And in that secret room Du have a stage held exclusively for having other ponies fight each other. If none of the candidates received a single vote, they would have to duke it out in....Sudden death!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Whoever kills the other candidates gets to become president! But it doesn't simply end there, no. I imagine Mehr secret rooms with Mehr challenging obstacles that have spikes, dynamite, holes filled with crocodiles, balancing boards that Bewegen Von themselves, and dozens of other challenging obstacles that would make even the toughest drill sergeant cry to their mom in horror!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: ALL SURROUNDED Von FIRE!!!!!!!!
Crowd: *Laughing, and clapping*
Tom: And only then, Du will become president of the United States of Equestria. But after going through all that crap, I don't think Du would want to be president anymore.
Crowd: *Clapping*
Tom: Presidential candidates are always a good target for comedians to make fun of, but Du know what another beliebt target is? Black Lives Matter.
Crowd: *Cheering*
Tom: Many black ponies are accusing millions of ponies of the Caucasian race, for something only one police officer did in the Midwest!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Who's the racist now Du assholes?!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: And do Du really think that every single Caucasian hates blacks?! When did we time travel back to the 18th Century?!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Even the majority of black ponies believe that the Black Lives Matter movement is a waste of time! This group also wants to do something else that's a waste of time. Defund the police departments!
Crowd: *Cheering*
Tom: If Du do that, that's a surefire way to increase crime! Take all the power away from the police so that they can't protect the innocent victims that get murdered Von violent protestors who want rights which they already have!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: All they want is equal rights. But hey...YOU ALREADY GOT 'EM!!!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: What's worse is that they not only want to defund the police, they want to kill them. Well guess what BLM? Did Du know that some black ponies also work for the police?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: This plan is so fucking stupid! They're going to kill other black ponies, just to give themselves extra rights!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: And if there's anypony that's not convinced, I suggest Du stop watching the news, and take a trip to the library.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: No one ever does that anymore. Now they're focused on generic news, and Call Of Duty!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: The only Lesen ponies do nowadays are when they receive text messages, and e-mails.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: That's if they have actual words, and not emojis.
Crowd: *Laughing, and clapping*
Tom: Does anyone else feel like we have too many emoji's to keep track of?
Crowd: Yeah!
Tom: It first started off as a bunch of yellow faces. Now we have skateboards, skyscrapers, traffic signs, traffic lights, trains, planes, and automobiles.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: That was a good movie Von the way, but there are also some emojis that are fucked up, and unnecessary. First one being a cat. Why are we so attracted to these things?!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: It's bad enough that we're getting flooded with cat Videos on social media, we don't need a fucking emoji of one!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Up Weiter is the poop emoji!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: It's a pile of poop made to look like Schokolade pudding with a smiley face.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: With the exception of rednecks, no one is interested in looking at their own feces! Let alone, one with a smiley face!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Finally, there's the human hands. Ponies don't even have hands, why are we using them as emoji's?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: The only one I like to use is the middle finger!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Send it to the nincompoops who thought it was a good idea to create...The Emoji Movie.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: These things are so beliebt they had to make a movie about it. And of course being a modern movie, it was only created to follow a trend, and make money. Not to tell a good story like it's supposed to.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: I am glad that's not the case with all of the modern movies, but the fact that we've been doing this since 2006 is unacceptable.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: As much as I enjoy being an actor, when I'm not entertaining Du with jokes.
Crowd: *Quietly laughing*
Tom: I always want to make sure the movie I'm in is good. They're not all comedies, my most Kürzlich film, Suicide was actually quite dark. Yet for some reason, comedians feel like it's a great way to improve their career. Correct me if I'm wrong, but being in a dramatic R-rated film will not improve your comedy career.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: That's why no one knows who Jim Carrey is anymore.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: His Kürzlich role as Dr. Robotnik in Sonic The Hedgehog was funny, yes, but everypony is too busy focusing on Nintendo to watch a film made Von their biggest rival.
Crowd: *Clapping*
Tom: strahl, ray Romano is also in a slump too. Well, actually, he decided to take a break from comedy anyway, but he's the only exception.
Crowd: *Quietly laughing*
Tom: Aside from myself of course. I only do it, because I want to be an actor, as well as a comedian. Richard Pryor pulled it off, I don't see why I can't either.
Crowd: Yah!
Tom: Being an actor can be hard work, but I had one job that was even tougher. Du probably never heard of this before, because this job is very exclusive to Neigh Jersey. Gas Station Attendant!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Started when I was 18, and thought it would be a lot of fun, Du know? Young stallions are typically gearheads. They Liebe cars. This seemed like an easy way to make money, while enjoying the variety of cars travelling through my old hometown of Ponyville. *Makes a buzzer sound*
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Doesn't work that way. Du get a lot of ponies who are in a rush to get overweight Von eating ribs, and french fries at Applebees.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: While many others are just looking for an excuse to be a jackass to some Zufällig stranger.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: And they always seem to make mistakes. Excuse me ma'am. Why did Du come through the do not enter section?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: *Making a mare's voice* Because you're disrespecful!
Crowd: *Clapping*
Tom: No one likes being called out on something they did wrong, but Du have to do your job, and make sure everypony is safe. Safety is always a high priority in Equestrian businesses. That's why we get injuries, and law firms sue them to make big bucks.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Despite the stupidity of customers, the managers are no better. The WaWa I was working at was on the left side of Church Street, while a bank was on the right side. One Tag someone decided, hey. Let's Bewegen the buildings to the other side of the street.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: All that hard work just to Bewegen a gas station to where the bank was, and vice versa.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Du could have used the thousands of dollars spent to Bewegen those buildings, on something Mehr important like, upgrading the equipment. Nope. Too expensive, we need to save money Von continuously investing in unreliable equipment!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Now, most of Du probably don't know this, but we all have several things in common. I'll give Du an example. We're all here together, in the greatest city in Maressouri.
Crowd: *Clapping*
Tom: I have some even funnier ones. When you're in your car, and Du stop at a red light. Do Du ever try to Bewegen an extra inch oder two?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: But when Du see other cars in front of you, you're in no rush to get as close to the other guy as possible. Du just coast to the red light.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Coast to the red light, then all of a sudden it turns green, and Du floor it to the entrance to the highway where Du go even faster!
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Do Du have a conversation with someone about the weather?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: That seems to happen everywhere Du go, and when it rains, your new acquaintance says, it'll be good for the plants.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Well we're not plants. We don't want rain. It ruins everything, because now we can't do stuff! We can't go sky diving, we can't ride our bicycles, we can't even go out for a simple walk.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: And sometimes, the pegasi fuck with mother nature.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: They Bewegen the clouds away from where they're supposed to go, and sabotage everyone else's Tag with an unexpected rainstorm.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Have Du ever noticed that there's no Koreans named Dustin?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: And why is it that whenever we go on Netflix, we can't find what we want to watch right away?
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: We just look around forever, and say, hey. This looks like a decent flick. Nah, let's keep looking.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: And Du continue your Suchen until Du find a movie that Du already own on DVD.
Crowd: *Laughing*
Tom: Thank Du for joining me everypony, but my director is here with my bulette, fleischklöschen, frikadelle sub, so goodnight. *Runs off the stage*
Crowd: *Clapping, and cheering*
Tom: *Climbs into a black Impala*
The crowd continued to cheer as they saw Tom leaving the gateway arch in a car being driven Von his director.
The End
SeanTheHedgehog Productions. Copyright, 2020
so here are a few theories i got for this show:
Theory #1: since Hasbro and DHX never even bothered to give Cozy Glow any semblance of a backstory, my theory is that she's actually a fully-grown adult pony stuck inside a filly's body. she was born with a condition that never let her physically age after filly-hood.
Theory #2: while we do know Sunset used to be Celestia's oben, nach oben student, i always thought there was something Mehr to it than just a teacher-student relationship. and since we never get to see if Sunset had parents at some point in time, my theory is that she's Celestia's adopted daughter. remember how worried Celestia was about Sunset at the end of the first EqG movie? yeah, something tells me they're Mehr than just teacher and ex-student.
Theory #3: at one point in time, King Sombra used to be a great and loved king, before he became corrupted Von his desire for power that forced Celestia and Luna to banish him into the abyss.
Theory #1: since Hasbro and DHX never even bothered to give Cozy Glow any semblance of a backstory, my theory is that she's actually a fully-grown adult pony stuck inside a filly's body. she was born with a condition that never let her physically age after filly-hood.
Theory #2: while we do know Sunset used to be Celestia's oben, nach oben student, i always thought there was something Mehr to it than just a teacher-student relationship. and since we never get to see if Sunset had parents at some point in time, my theory is that she's Celestia's adopted daughter. remember how worried Celestia was about Sunset at the end of the first EqG movie? yeah, something tells me they're Mehr than just teacher and ex-student.
Theory #3: at one point in time, King Sombra used to be a great and loved king, before he became corrupted Von his desire for power that forced Celestia and Luna to banish him into the abyss.