Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core™ oder Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding oder salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the strand in tight, white shorts. But my Favorit feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell Du how safe, sicher and secure I feel each Monat knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.
Have Du ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from “the curse”? I’m guessing Du haven’t. Well, my “time of the month” is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few Minuten from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call “an inbred hillbilly with messer skills.” Isn’t the human body amazing?
As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers’ monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, Du must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. Du surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written Von drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, Du of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: “Have a Happy Period.”
Are Du fucking kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness—actual smiling, laughing happiness—is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything “happy” about a Tag in which Du have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so Du don’t march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting gewehr and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the Liebe of God, pull your head out, man. If Du just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make Mehr sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like “Put Down the Hammer” oder “Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong”? oder are Du just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one Minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that’s a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX
See? This person had the guts to write that. now, i thank them and also insist for your health, no riffles, hammers, oder running over people. now, u got that?
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core™ oder Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I’d probably never go horseback riding oder salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of running up and down the strand in tight, white shorts. But my Favorit feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can’t tell Du how safe, sicher and secure I feel each Monat knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.
Have Du ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from “the curse”? I’m guessing Du haven’t. Well, my “time of the month” is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few Minuten from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my husband likes to call “an inbred hillbilly with messer skills.” Isn’t the human body amazing?
As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers’ monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, Du must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. Du surely realize it’s a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend’s testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey’s Anatomy was written Von drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, Du of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: “Have a Happy Period.”
Are Du fucking kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness—actual smiling, laughing happiness—is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything “happy” about a Tag in which Du have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so Du don’t march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting gewehr and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the Liebe of God, pull your head out, man. If Du just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make Mehr sense to say something that’s actually pertinent, like “Put Down the Hammer” oder “Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong”? oder are Du just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one Minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit. And that’s a promise I will keep. Always.
Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX
See? This person had the guts to write that. now, i thank them and also insist for your health, no riffles, hammers, oder running over people. now, u got that?
