Death Note: The Re-Bridged Episode 1 

Light: Hello, I name is Light Yagami, and I kill people….. let me start over (Please Stand By)

Light: Hi, I’m Light. I kill people- Goddamnit

Light: Hi, I am Light Yagami. I like murder- FUCK

Light: I’m Light Yagami. That’s all you need to know. End of story.

Light: (Looking out the window when he see’s a notebook fall from the sky) …… The hell is that? Mr. Teacherman, may I be excused

Light: (Picks up the notebook) OOOOOHH! A depressed emo’s diary. I wonder what’s insi- (Opens book) There’s nothing inside. Shit. What good is reading a diary when there’s nothing in it

(Walks home, and realizes he is holding the Death Note)

Light: ……… Well……. Guess it’s mine now

TV Anchor: This just in, the notorious child puncher, Siogaga Mitsu-something has struck again, and kidnapped a group of kids at the local elementary school. Can no one stop this heinous act?

Light: Oh, Local Elementary School. I love that place. I guess I could use this diary. (Writes in it) Dear Light’s Badass Diary of Secrets, some weird guy kidnapped a bunch of kids. I can think about all the kids there, like Timothy Grayson, Andrew Anderson-

Light: And Suzy Brown. I hope they all make it out of that safely

Anchor: This just in. All of the children are dead and Siogaga has escaped. What kind of heartless bastard would murder children like that

Light: Oh my god…….. (Raises the Death Note into the air) I HAVE THE POWEEEEERRRR!

Light: You can’t fool me, Emo Jesus. Go back to the Hot Topic from whence you came

Ryuk: Oh dear god, this is the guy who picked up my Death Note

Light: YOUR Death Note? It’s my Death Note

Ryuk: You see, when anyone’s name is written down on the Death Note, they die of a heart attack in less than forty minutes

Light: Okay (Writes a name in the Death Note and waits)

Light: (Gasps) So it’s true. I can kill whoever I want with this book. And I know just what to do. I will use this Death Note to kill every single evil person who I deem evil. Like that store clerk who wouldn’t accept my credit card. I’ll get you yet, Mark. And I shall become the god of this new world.

Ryuk: And you’re not worried that some creepy guy is going to try and stop you

Light: Please. I’m the main character. That means I instantly win at everything. I’ll never die…. Never.

Police: Okay, lets discuss the issue with the deaths of criminals

Chief: Oh right. Thats a thing. So, fifty two people have been killed

Chief: OH MY GOD! L WAS A COMPUTER ALL ALONG! I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN

L: No, you idiot. I am calling from the laptop. I am here to tell you that I have become interested in this case to catch this killer. After seeing how much of a asshole he is, it fills me with so much disgust, that I want to do nothing but bring him to justice. Are you all willing to help me

Ryuk: So, Light, what’s your genius plan for hiding the Death Note

Light: Easy. I placed the Death Note in my desk drawer. However, the drawer knob is connected to a wire filled with explosives. If anyone were to open the drawer with little care as possible, the entire house would explode.

Ryuk: You’re going to blow up the entire house over a notebook

Bomb-chu Merchant: (With Hindu accent) Moving to Japan was my best idea ever

Light: (Online) Well, look at that. Looks like people have decided to call me Kira

Light: Yeah. My alias alone has over a million search results

Anchor: Citizens of Japan. We interrupt your dumb crap to bring you an important message

Lind L. Tailor: I have heard of your terrible crimes

Light: Seriously, I’ve never heard of this guy before. Who is he?

Lind L. Tailor: Kira, what you are doing is evil

Light: …… HOW FUCKING DARE YOU! I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I DID A GOOD THING YESTERDAY

Light: Okay, all I have to do is kill the guy robbing the bank. It shouldn’t be too har- The cashiers wearing a YOLO shirt (Writes the cashier\'s name in the Death Note)

Light: Well, we’ll see how evil I am when I kill you in cold blood

Light: (Writes Lind L. Tailor’s name in the Death Note) Who’s evil now

Lind. L Tailor: (Awkwardly quiet) I don’t feel so- (His head falls onto the desk)

L: Thank you so much for proving that you can kill people from a distance, Kira.

Light: Oh, so what. It’s not like you aired this entire program in just the Kanto region of Japan

L: I was also only airing this program in the Kanto region of Japan, so now I know where to find you, Kira. It just goes to show you, that I am the superior…. ‘Kay, bye (Turns off program)