This is Twilight in total reverse, made Von me and my friend.

Tigiliwt
By: Fast Farms.
    Once upon a time, there was a very sparkly vampire, a very stupid boy, and also a very warm and fuzzy werewolf. They all live in this small town called Spoons. The stupid boys name was Mr. Bell. He was an 18 Jahr old regular human. He wasn’t anything special until Edwarda came along.
    “Ooooh Du smell delicious!” cried Edwarda. She glared at Mr. Bell, because she was angry that he smelled so good. That made Mr. glocke scared. Mr. glocke hid behind his long, brown good-smelling hair that smelled like strawberries (thanks to his All-Natural-No-Preservatives erdbeere smelling shampoo he had used earlier that morning.) Then Edwarda ran away, because she was a vegetarian, and she didn’t want to have to kill Mr. Bell.
    A few days later, Edwarda came back. She had composed herself, Von dying her hair. The smell of constant bleach made it easier to be around Mr. Bell. She decided she was going to ignore Mr. Bell. But she couldn’t, because he was just too sexy! And too good smelling! So she decided to talk to him.
    “Hi, Mr. Bell.” She said. “My name is Edwarda. Let’s be friends. Even though we shouldn’t. Okay??”
    Mr. glocke looked at her stupidly, dazzled Von her beauty. “Okay.” He said.
    Then Mr. Bell’s mother said, “Mr. Bell, please go to Seattle, with your friends.” Mr. glocke said, “Okay.”
    So Mr. glocke and his guy Friends named Marc and Jesse Bloomer went to Seattle.
    Little did they know that Edwarda was also in Seattle that night, and decided to stalk Mr. Bell, in a friendly casual way. Then suddenly, an evil girl came up and started to bully Mr. Bell. Marc and Jesse Bloomer had gone to see a movie, but not Mr. Bell, because he didn’t want to, because he liked books. Mr. glocke was trying to remember his self defense, when a shiny silver Volvo pulled up and Edwarda yanked Mr. glocke into the car.
    Mr. glocke was like, “Whoa. Like, thanks, dude. Ette.”
    “And Du better believe it!” cried Edwarda. “Okay, let me tell Du something, before this gets any further- I’m a shiny vampire.”
    “Oh.” sagte Mr. Bell. “WHOA‼! WE’RE GOING 85 MILES AN HOUR‼ SLOW DOWN!”
    “Relax.” Snickered Edwarda, looking at Mr. glocke instead of the road. “I’m a great driver- better than Du on your best day!”
    “Okay. Cool. We’re good. We’re all good. So, can Du do anything special as a vampire?”
    “Yeah. I can read minds. But not yours. I don’t know why.”
    “Maybe because I’m SPECIAL.”
    Edwarda coughed, “ED.”
    “What??”
    “Never mind, I think Du are lovely.”
    “Okay. Thank you. I think that Du are shiny.”
    So began the relationship between Mr. glocke and Edwarda. Edwarda snuck into Mr. Bell’s room every night, because they were in love. But then all of a sudden, while playing baseball in the forest with Edwarda’s vampire family, some vampire came by. Their names were Janice, Victor and Laura. They were not vegetarians, and they wanted to eat Mr. Bell- especially Janice.
    So then Edwarda got all stiff and tense and reluctant and bossy, and took Mr. glocke and they ran. They told Mr. Bell’s mom, Charlotte, that they had to go….pick truffles, from a truffle farm in Arizona. charlotte was like, “Okay, have him Home Von midnight. Grrrrr.” “Okay,” replied Edwarda.
    When they got to Arizona, Edwarda left Mr. glocke with Edwarda’s brother and sister, Adam and Jessica, who were also in love. Mr. glocke was like, “Noooo! Edwarda, stay with me! I need Du because I am just a frail human boy and Du are a big strong vampire lady!”
    But Edwarda wasn’t having any of that. So she left to go track down Janice before Janice had a chance to find Mr. glocke with Adam and Jessica. But that plan didn’t work out too well. Because as soon as Edwarda was gone Mr. glocke got a phone call from Janice, who sagte that she had Mr. Bell’s dad, Richard in a ballet studio, and she was going to kill him if Mr. glocke didn’t come to the rescue. So, of course Mr. glocke snuck past Adam and Jessica and went to meet Janice.
This was the note he left for Edwarda to find:
    Dearest Edwarda,
    Please excuse my behavior (and handwriting) but I feel like I have to do this, for the sake of US. It has to be this way. Because it is MY way, oder the highway, Missy. I hope Du can understand why I chose to make this decision. Remember, I Liebe Du and whatever happens to me (or you) don’t Du forget that! Okay??
    Love from, Mr. B.
    When Mr. glocke got to the ballet studio, his dad wasn’t there, it was just an old Home movie with Mr. Bell’s dad’s voice on it. Then Mr. glocke started to get scared.
    Janice was all like, “Muahahaha! I finally have Du where I want you! Now I can drink your blood!”
    So, Janice bit Mr. Bell. This was very painful for Mr. Bell, being just a weak human, so he passed out. When he woke up, he had expected to feel all hard and shiny and thirsty for blood, but he just felt normal and human like always. It turns out that Edwarda had run to the ballet studio as soon as she had found Mr. Bell’s note, and had sucked all the venom out of Mr. Bell’s hand (out of love, not thirst for his blood), and Mr. glocke was not a vampire after all. This was a disappointment to Mr. Bell, because he didn’t like being the human that all the Vampire had to protect. He wanted to be manly, but it was quite hard, because his girlfriend could bench-press him about a thousand times. Before he had met Edwarda, he had thought that being manly was to have a beard and to smell like cologne. But now he knew- to be a REAL man was to be a vampire‼ But for now he would just have to deal with it.
    Then they all headed back to Spoons, hoping that the trouble was past…for now.


Coming soon: Noom Wen, sequel to Tigiliwt