"Charlie This is Part 2 of the first episode of The Charlie Arc. Check out Part 1 if Du haven't read it yet.
The boys and Charlie are at Stan's house, in his bedroom. Mrs. Marsh (Sharon) knocks and comes in with cookies.
SHARON: Stan, I think it's so nice that Du invited all your little Friends over!
STAN: Sure, Mom.
SHARON: And it's so nice that Du finally made a new friend! What did Du say his name was?
STAN: Charlie. And she's a girl.
SHARON: Of course, sweetheart. Have a nice time, kids!
STAN to Charlie: Sorry about that.
CHARLIE: It's okay. Thanks for inviting me over.
KYLE: It's probably the least he could do considering he let Du get together with Bebe.
CARTMAN: Well guys, I'm not entirely convinced that Charlie—IF that is your name—[Charlie looks a little confused] is actually a girl. Maybe he's just pretending 'cause he's gay.
CHARLIE: Am not!
KYLE: Yeah, shut up, fat boy! She's a girl!
CARTMAN (in a teasing voice): Kyle likes Charlie! Kyle likes a boy! Jews are gay!
KYLE: Shut up Du stupid piece of shit!
CARTMAN: I'll prove it to you! Charlie, pull down your pants!
CHARLIE: What? No thanks.
CARTMAN: No, seriously! Du don't have something to HIDE from us, do you? Like a penis?
CHARLIE: Of course not, I just don't wanna pull down my pants!
KENNY: (That's fucked up, Cartman.)
STAN: Yeah, Cartman! You're a sick pervert!
CARTMAN: Oh yeah? [He leans over and grabs Charlie's pants.]
Charlie kicks Cartman in the face with her other foot. Cartman lets go and moans a little. Suddenly Cartman opens his mouth and spits a load of blood on the floor. Stan runs to the door.
STAN: Mom! Cartman tried to pull down Charlie's pants to see if she had a penis and she kicked him in the face and he puked blood on my carpet!
Sharon hurries into the room. Cartman is moaning pitifully.
CARTMAN: I feel victimized!
SHARON: My God Stanley, they've been over for all of five Minuten and this happens!
KYLE: It was Cartman's fault, Mrs. Marsh. He was being a sick pervert and trying to take Charlie's pants off.
SHARON: …Okay… Eric, do Du want me to call your mom?
CARTMAN: I'm so abused! What did I do to deserve this?
Sharon leads Cartman out of the room.
SHARON: Stan, if any Mehr of your Friends vomit blood on your carpet, you're done playing for the day. Do Du understand me?
STAN: Okay, Mom.
The two leave. Cartman can be heard crying for a little while. The four remaining, sitting in a bit of a kreis on the floor, sit in awkward silence for awhile.
STAN: When does Terrance and Phillip start?
KYLE: Twenty minutes.
STAN: Crap. We have twenty Minuten to kill. What do Du wanna do, Kenny?
KENNY: (Jack off.)
STAN: That's stupid. That's all Du ever wanna do.
KENNY (indignantly): (It's fun!)
KYLE: Well, what do Du wanna do, Charlie?
CHARLIE: I dunno… whatever Du wanna do.
STAN: What do Du wanna do, Kyle?
KYLE: I dunno. It's your house. What do Du wanna do?
STAN: This is retarded. Let's go watch the last fifteen Minuten of Spongebob before Terrance and Phillip is on.
The four are watching Spongebob on the couch.
SPONGEBOB: Patrick, do Du want a Krabby Patty?
SPONGEBOB: Hey, Squidward! How do Du like my new pet jellyfish?
SQUIDWARD: [Mumbles angrily.]
MR. KRABS: Money!
KYLE: Dude, this Zeigen sucks.
Spongebob ends with everyone laughing stupidly in a circle. Patrick is hitting himself on the head with a rock. All four stare stone-faced at the television.
TV Announcer: And now, the Terrance and Phillip program!
TERRANCE: Well, Phillip, it appears that we are in the Arctic among native Eskimos!
PHILLIP: It sure does Terrance. Hey, Terrance?
TERRANCE: Yes, Phillip?
Phillip farts. Both of them laugh. The kids laugh.
TERRANCE: That was a good one Phillip!
PHILLIP: Oh look, there is the chief of the tribe! Hello there!
The chief stares solemnly at the pair.
TERRANCE: Eskimo chief? Guess what? There's a magic rock on the ground!
Eskimo chief looks surprised and excited.
TERRANCE: Look closer and you'll be able to see it.
Chief leans down.
TERRANCE: Closer… Closer…
STAN: I know what he's gonna do!
Terrance farts in the chief's face. Chief growls, the two laugh, and the chief starts to laugh too. The four kids laugh.
The Zeigen is ending. The four are watching, transfixed, with smiles on their faces.
TERRANCE: Well, Phillip, although we couldn't persuade the Eskimos to convert to Catholicism, at least we got these wonderful jackets made out of wal blubber!
PHILLIP: Help! Mine's on fire! Help me Terrance!
Terrance approaches Phillip, who farts in his face. The End. The four laugh.
STAN: That was sweet!
KENNY: (Those fart jokes never get old!)
KYLE: Du got that right, Kenny.
STAN: Hey, where's Charlie?
Charlie is running down the stairs from Stan's room, pulling on her coat.
CHARLIE: I forgot I had to be Home Von four! I live all the way on the other side of town! I've got to go!
STAN: That's where Kenny lives. Maybe his mom could—
KYLE: What was that about?
STAN: I dunno. Maybe her mom's really strict oder something.
Suddenly, Charlie opens the door again.
STAN: Right over there.
The three listen to the bathroom door slam, and about five Sekunden later they hear a flush and a sink.
She runs out the front door again.
STAN: What the hell was that?
KYLE: Maybe all girls act like that.
KENNY: (It's probably just PMS.)
The three laugh.
STAN: What's PMS?
The boys are standing at the bus stop. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny are just standing there. Cartman has a bandage on his nose. He's Singen "The Long and Winding Road" to himself. The bus pulls up.
MS. CRABTREE: Hurry up! We're running late! And be quiet!
The four get on the bus. Cartman is still singing/humming to himself.
KYLE: Hey, where's Charlie?
CARTMAN: Probably trying to get somebody else to KISS her ass. Weiter time I see her I swear to God I'll just be like, "Hey, Du asshole! I… Du stupid bitch! Go make me a pot pie!" And I'll kick her in the nuts oder something.
STAN: Girls don't have nuts, Cartman.
KYLE: I thought Du knew that when Du were trying to see if she had a penis yesterday. [He shrugs.]
CARTMAN (thinking): Nuts are associated with the male anatomy?
MS. CRABTREE: HEY! SHUT UP BACK THERE! I'M GONNA GET IN AN ACCIDENT AND SOMEBODY'S GONNA GET HURT!
She pulls to a sharp stop. Most of the kids fall out of their seats.
MS. CRABTREE: Everybody off! Stay in line!
The kids get off the bus and walk into the school.
MR. GARRISON: All right kids, everybody get in your sitz so I can take attendance. [Murmurs to himself] All right… Does anybody know where Charlie Pierzynski is?
STAN: She wasn't on the bus.
MR. GARRISON to Mr. Hat: Stupid kids. Late for school all the time. Sometimes I wanna—
MR. HAT: Calm down, Mr. Garrison. Remember, patience.
MR. GARRISON: [Sigh.] You're right, Mr. Hat. All right kids, first on the agenda today… Why don't Du pass up your homework?
Charlie walks in. She has a black eye and a band-aid on her nose. She gives a little note to Mr. Garrison. He reads it then looks questioningly at her.
MR. GARRISON: Are Du sure?
MR. GARRISON: …Okay. Well take your seat.
Charlie sits down Weiter to Kenny again.
MR. GARRISON: Now class, today we're starting our big unit on pioneers! Isn't that exciting?
The class stares at him.
MR. HAT: It sure is, Mr. Garrison. Did Du know that the U.S. bought a lot of its land-including some of Colorado-from France in the Louisiana Purchase?
MR. GARRISON: Wow, that's very interesting Mr. Hat! It was the Louisiana Purchase that allowed the pioneers to Bewegen west, since they now owned the land! Yes, Charlie?
Charlie pukes blood all over her desk, then faints and falls off her chair. The class gasps.
MR. GARRISON: Oh no, not again.
Mr. Garrison is carrying Charlie and is followed Von Kenny and Kyle. They're going to the nurse's office.
NURSE: Oh dear, what do we have here?
MR. GARRISON: I have no idea, but she came into class with a black eye—
KYLE: …and then she barfed blood and fainted!
KENNY: (It was awesome!)
Charlie wakes up and shouts something hoarsely.
CHARLIE [in a whispered scream]: Put me down, let me down!
Mr. Garrison looks surprised and puts her on one of the beds. She breathes deeply, then opens her eyes and sees the Nurse, Mr. Garrison, Kyle, and Kenny. She doesn't say anything, but she looks confused.
NURSE: You're at school, hun. Du just got a little sick. Why don't Du try to rest for awhile?
NURSE to Mr. Garrison: Do Du think…?
MR. GARRISON: I'm not sure, she looked fine yesterday.
NURSE: I'll have to check. Kenny, could Du hand me that tray of dangerous medical equipment?
Kenny nervously approaches it, picks it up, and walks it over to the Nurse.
NURSE: Thank you.
Kenny sighs in relief. Then he begins to hiccup. The Nurse pulls a sheet between her and Charlie and Mr. Garrison and the boys. Our view is from the boys' side of the curtain.
CHARLIE: What are Du doing?
NURSE: Relax. Now take your mantel off.
CHARLIE: I don't want to.
NURSE: Du have to. [There's a brief pause.] Oh my goodness.
Back in the classroom, everyone is quiet. A few of them are looking at the blood all over the desk.
CARTMAN: Du know, it's sort of funny that everything that she did to me yesterday is happening to her now.
STAN: What do Du mean?
CARTMAN: Well, the hündin kicked me in the face and pretty much broke my nose, and now she's got a bandage on HER nose.
CARTMAN: And THEN she puked blood. Yesterday I puked blood. Coincidence, oder karma?
The other kids stare at him. Bebe is crying, and Wendy is comforting her.
BEBE: What happened to him?
WENDY: It's okay, I'm sure he'll be fine.
BEBE: My life is over!
STAN to Bebe: Um, Bebe?
STAN: I don't think Du should go out with Charlie.
BEBE: Why not?
STAN: Well… Charlie's a girl.
WENDY: Stan, why didn't Du tell me that?
STAN: Du wouldn't let me!
WENDY: But his oder her name's Charlie!
STAN: She says it's short for Charlotte!
BEBE: I kissed her on the cheek! Oh my God!
Bebe runs from the room, gagging.
WENDY: Why didn't she say something?
STAN: I dunno. Maybe 'cause Du told her Bebe thought she was cute. That was pretty fucked up.
NURSE to Mr. Garrison: She has bruises all over her arms and chest.
MR. GARRISON: Did she say where she got them?
NURSE: She sagte she ran into a fridge and fell down the stairs.
KYLE: That's what she told us all right. Wait—actually, I think she told us it was a table.
KENNY: (Yup, she sagte table.) Hiccup.
NURSE: I think I'll call her home.
KYLE: Is she gonna be okay?
NURSE: She should be fine. I'll talk to her mother about what happened and ask her to get her a doctor appointment. Du boys should be getting back to class.
Bebe runs into the room.
BEBE: I'm dying! I'm dying!
NURSE: What happened?
BEBE: I kissed a girl!
Mr. Garrison, Kenny, Kyle, and Bebe are in the classroom again with everyone else.
MR. GARRISON: I'm sorry about the interruption, class. Charlie should be okay, she's just going to miss the rest of the day.
STAN: Mr. Garrison?
MR. GARRISON: Yes, Stanley?
STAN: That bloody puke smells really bad Mr. Garrison.
MR. GARRISON: Oh. Right. Kenny, will Du go get the janitor?
Kenny sighs and leaves the room. And hiccups.
MR. GARRISON: Now, where was I…?
MR. HAT: The Louisiana Purchase, Mr. Garrison!
MR. GARRISON: Oh boy!
Charlie is lying awake in the nurse's office without her jacke on. Instead, she's just wearing a light purple T-shirt. In addition to her black eye and injured nose, her arms are badly bruised. Suddenly, Mr. Mackey, the guidance counselor, comes into her little area with the curtain.
MR. MACKEY: Hi there, I'm Mr. Mackey, your counselor, m'kay?
MR. MACKEY: Now, as I understand it, Du might be having some trouble at home, m'kay?
He sits down in a chair.
MR. MACKEY: I just want Du to know Du can tell me about it, m'kay?
Charlie stares at him.
MR. MACKEY: Let's start with the basics. Who is in your family?
CHARLIE: Well, I have a mom, and a little sister. She's four. And a little brother. He's just a baby.
MR. MACKEY: Does your Dad live with you?
CHARLIE: Not recently.
MR. MACKEY: M'kay. Do either of your parents do mar-juana?
There's a brief pause.
MR. MACKEY: Do either of your parents do mar-juana?
CHARLIE: What's mar-juana?
MR. MACKEY: Mar-juana is a drug. Drugs are bad, m'kay?
CHARLIE: I don't know.
MR. MACKEY: Well, do your parents get angry at Du very often?
CHARLIE: My mom's really strict. I like my dad a lot though.
MR. MACKEY: Do your parents ever hit you?
MR. MACKEY: Do your parents ever hit you?
MR. MACKEY [taking notes]: M'kay. I noticed you're all bruised up, Charlie. How'd Du get those bruises?
CHARLIE: Why do I have to tell you?
MR. MACKEY: I just need to get the facts down, m'kay?
CHARLIE: Yesterday I ran into a refrigerator and today I fell down the stairs into the basement.
MR. MACKEY: M'kay. Nurse Gollum called your mom.
MR. MACKEY: She says she's too busy to pick Du up, m'kay? She also says that Du have bad allergies.
CHARLIE: Oh… yeah.
MR. MACKEY: So she says Du don't need to go to the hospital. She just sagte to give Du an inhaler.
MR. MACKEY: Have Du thrown up blood because of allergies before?
CHARLIE: Oh, yeah. Loads of times.
MR. MACKEY: Oh really. Then do Du know what… [pulls out an inhaler dramatically]… this is?
CHARLIE: …An inhaler?
MR. MACKEY: …Oh. Yes, it is. Um, I'll be just down the hall if Du ever want to talk to me about anything, m'kay?
CHARLIE: Okay. Thanks.
Mr. Mackey leaves, leaving the inhaler on the bed. Charlie picks it up, sprays a little bit of the medicine into the air, and coughs.
That Tag after school, the kids are getting onto the bus. Charlie is really pale and looks sick and tired.
KYLE: Why wouldn't your mom pick Du up?
CHARLIE: She was just busy. It's okay. I'm fine.
CARTMAN: Well then, I guess Du won't mind if I kick Du in the nuts!
He kicks Charlie in the crotch.
CHARLIE (grabbing her crotch): Ow! What was that for?
CARTMAN: See? See, I told Du guys it was a boy!
CHARLIE: I'm not a boy!
CARTMAN: Well, then, why did it hurt when I kicked Du in the nuts?
CHARLIE: Well first of all, I'm not numb down there oder anything. It still hurts. Just not as much.
There's a pause.
CHARLIE: Yes. And second, for the last time: I do not have nuts.
Kenny hiccups a few times.
STAN: Wow, Kenny. You've had the hiccups almost all day.
KYLE: Isn't it annoying?
Kenny shrugs. They all climb on the bus. Cartman and Kenny sit together, Stan and Kyle sit together, and Charlie sits Weiter to Butters.
BUTTERS: Are Du contagious?
CHARLIE: I don't think so.
BUTTERS: Are Du sure?
CHARLIE: Pretty sure.
Butters shudders a little and turns away.
KYLE to Charlie: Fat-ass says only Kenny can come to his house today for some reason. Do Du wanna come to my house with Stan and me? oder are Du too sick?
CHARLIE (smiling a little): Well, I have to be Home Von four, but sure.