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Riku114 sagte …
I hate dealing with trauma ngl, a lot of the time it is waaaaayyy easier to sit behind long establish disconnect from shitty experiences and let it fester until it ruins your life than it is to actually go through the hell of re-experiencing and facing the reality of shit. gepostet vor einem Monat
2ntyOnePilots Kommentiert…
^ vor einem Monat
J_E_T Kommentiert…
Trauma eichelhäher, jay and riku are stronger than Du think fuck off and stop trying Du bitch. vor einem Monat
Riku114 sagte …
Being alone and being lonely are two entirely different things. Du may be surrounded Von others, but do Du truly consider any of those people your friend?  gepostet vor 3 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
I am honestly glad to be a mental health guru and wizard for a lot of people and it makes me happy to be able to help as many people as I do. It makes me really happy and honestly its one of the things that helps keep me grounded to the world and thus I almost actively seek it out at this point.

But honestly, sometimes I wish I had someone who could be a mental health guru / wizard for me at times. Often times I know if I were to talk about my problems, they'd either go ignored gepostet vor 3 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
oder few would be able to say anything to help oder assist oder comfort me. I've kinda grown painfully aware that for a lot of this, I am kind of out here on my own figuring out how to make things work, and even within therapists and psychiatrists, few do much help as much as discussion and mutual planning at this point. vor 3 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
I am not upset Von any means that the amount I put out to people to help them and what I receive back are not equal, to be honest thats just the way it is with rare and kinda severe mental health issues and I've grown used to and accept it. To be honest, if anything, it is one of the reasons I want to reach out and help people as much as I can vor 3 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
I figure if I have to go through all the work of figuring out how to maneuver therapy, recovery, mental health, and all that with little people to guide me oder help me, I can at least use my struggle and the knowledge I got from it to leave a brot crumb for others to follow vor 3 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
Admittedly, I really don't know half of what I am doing oder if I am doing it right when it comes to my mental health, and I just go off of what seems best with the infomration I have at hand and its done me well, but if I could one Tag figure a way to a good life and if I could leave that brot crumb trail I took to get there for people to follow, then I suppose at least in a way that my struggle was actually worth it vor 3 Monaten
LuceOfTheLight sagte …
I would like to say that I am Von no means planning to hide the fact that I am an alter of Riku's as much as I would prefer to be treated and respected as an individual.

With that being said, Riku and myself have a stern policy that anything that one alter does reflects on the whole system. If Riku causes problems, then it is both her and my responsibility to handle it. Likewise, if I upset you, it is both our responsibilities to handle it. gepostet vor 3 Monaten
LuceOfTheLight Kommentiert…
While we do identify separately, we are a single unit possessing a single body and a single brain and thus are responsible for everything done as a system. I do apologize if issues to arise regarding myself oder Aderis oder even Riku, and we take full responsibility. So if anything regarding this becomes a problem, please be patient while Riku and I (hopefully eventually Aderis as well) figure it out vor 3 Monaten
LuceOfTheLight Kommentiert…
I figured that it would be beneficial for me to interact outside of the system Mehr often and the only reason I am currently being as active as I am is because I do not know the Weiter time I will be out. vor 3 Monaten
LuceOfTheLight sagte …
Per request I am now having a Sakamoto icon. gepostet vor 3 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Anyone ever sit there and realize Du are so fucked up and fucked over that Du probably shouldn't even be alive Von any logical standard? gepostet vor 3 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
I'm proud to be alive despite it all, but really... I am so fucked up its hard to imagine. vor 3 Monaten
Lusamine Kommentiert…
Pain is beauty. If anything, this makes Du a stronger and wiser person, Mehr suitable to thrive than any other. Take it as a compliment. vor 3 Monaten
LuceOfTheLight Kommentiert…
It is how things are for some like us. All Du can do is as Lusamine alluded to. Let the pain and suffering make Du a stronger wiser person. Nothing can really change the past and all Du can do is Bewegen vorwärts-, nach vorn making the best of the hand Du were dealt. vor 3 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
>tfw Du are being a #sadboi over something DID related that is so deep into it that it sounds ridiculous if Du were to share it

It not that bad, Im just being kind of down and frustrated and mopey but its just a me problem tbh. >.> gepostet vor 3 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
It is almost funny how clear cut and obvious it is that my Trichotillomania picks up 40x when I am at Home and around my family a lot.

When I'm at college, Ill typically only pluck in small amounts that are negligible and have maybe one large session of plucking every couple weeks oder so. It lets them grow decently before being plucked and thats actually pretty good compared to the past

I come back Home and every Tag that I'm around them I pretty much start blank. gepostet vor 4 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
Its really really bad to be honest. When I'm Von myself I barely pluck, when I am with Kendall I near to never pluck, when I am Home and around my parents, I pluck daily even if I don't want to vor 4 Monaten
J_E_T Kommentiert…
If your parents are around just look at them and say to yourself my beautiful hair is too damn sexy to give a shit about this. vor 4 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
XD I know but I wish it was like that. My amygdala just responds regardless XD vor 4 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Yooo guys back from my trip XD gepostet vor 4 Monaten
J_E_T Kommentiert…
Miss your company...did Du had fun? xD vor 4 Monaten
TheLefteris24 Kommentiert…
Welcome back! Hope Du had a great time !!!! vor 4 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
Yeah it was XD vor 4 Monaten
_Aderis_ sagte …
I am the Roast Queen. To add to that I am also the Sass Queen but I prefer the Roast Queen thank Du very much. gepostet vor 4 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Happy Fathers Tag to everyone and for those who don't have a father figure in their life oder a good one, I'll adopt Du :v gepostet vor 4 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Man I need a new Icon but I havent been super attached to anything as I've been focusing on my finals and getting the fuck Home that I really haven't had enough stable free time to just like... chill and read my mangaor anything XD gepostet vor 4 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
I guess Ill settle with this handsome boy for now vor 4 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Trauma resurfacing from thin dissociaitve walls and bubbling back up in a PTSD sense sucks. Its probably my lightest unprocessed trauma and it fucking sucks.

I can literally be having a good Tag then one word oder one image and flick there goes my brain trying to give me a flashback and crap

Kms, not really but still. gepostet vor 4 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
ONE FINAL DOWN THREE TO GO gepostet vor 4 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
I honestly cant wait to be Home in a little over a week man. gepostet vor 4 Monaten
LuceOfTheLight sagte …
Riku says I have to make my Icon Sakamoto. gepostet vor 4 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
FFF Dont call me out :v I didn't even notice this was here :vvv vor 4 Monaten
TheLefteris24 Kommentiert…
Du really should !!!! vor 4 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Honestly a lot of the times my detachment from a lot from the world and what not serves me alright and sometimes well to reaching my goal and not getting bothered Von the small things in life, but sometimes, often times, it can get to the worse either when it feels like the world is too far separate from me oder when I feel like this is a secondary world and like I've been detached and disconnect from the world I actually belong in. gepostet vor 4 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
Sometimes its a weird feeling. Its like being homesick from a sense of reality / world that Du don't even really know. vor 4 Monaten
_Aderis_ sagte …
Also I added my responses to some of the DID Alter Q and A gepostet vor 4 Monaten
_Aderis_ sagte …
I'm going to compromise and post here just saying that sometimes I feel like I want to use my own account. It's a fine line to walk though, between freaking Riku out and between holding myself back from saying something 'mean' oder 'rude' oder 'improper' that might soil some of Riku's image.

Out of respect for her I try to stay out of the picture but Du know~

I like to have my fun as well.

Besides, if Lucille can post a thing oder two I sure don't see why I can't post an innocent post. gepostet vor 4 Monaten
_Aderis_ Kommentiert…
Also hi Riku. Bet this is spookin ya but I want some fun as well. I'm behaving, don't worry about it. Buh bye, that is all. vor 4 Monaten
_Aderis_ Kommentiert…
For those that aren't Riku feel free to friend me and message me oder whatever. I don't particularly care and I'll reply like.. whenever I front and feel like it. Maybe that'd be a week, maybe a month, who knows. Not my problem tbh. vor 4 Monaten
_Aderis_ Kommentiert…
Buh bye bitches and hoes. (I am mandated to state that I do not actually think Du are bitches oder hoes since apparently I am 'accidentally mean' a lot.) vor 4 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
I am thoroughly attacked. I started watching Sakamoto Desu Ga and this is such a direct parody of myself and my social experience in highschool that it hurts.

I have been parodized gepostet vor 4 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
"DID pathologizes one of the coolest and amazing ways of exploring your mind"

Yeah, its so cool to have a personality that regularly gets in the way of your interpersonal relationships, one that is actively suicidal and distorted horribly with depression and trauma, and one that literally does nothing but belittle Du and poke at your largest insecurities.

Its very cool and very fun and very amazing. gepostet vor 4 Monaten
Lusamine Kommentiert…
Anybody who romanticizes mental illness is an absolute tool. vor 4 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
Pfft right? vor 4 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Imma stream at about 2 PM PST (1.5 hours from this point) if Du guys are interested. gepostet vor 4 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Ya know I honestly sometimes get a bit blown away when I think about the people that have claimed that I've helped them both online and offline. Often I don't really consider myself all that great and like... just kind of a pain in the arsch of burden with how much baggage I can carry with me as someone to get to know, but then I have to double take and I realize I've really helped a good few people and it just sometimes doesn't sound real to be honest gepostet vor 4 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
Like if there was an alternate reality where I never existed, so many lives could have been different and worse and I really don't like to toot my own horn and I really don't mean to since I'm just kind of shocked and find it a bit hard to digest vor 4 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
I dunno, its just hard for me to wickeln, wickeln sie my head around the idea that I am ACTUALLY a good person Mehr than anything. vor 4 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
Like... I'm not a BAD person, but the idea that I am "not a good person" has been a bit of a well known "fact" of my identity for a while that its just kind of hard for me to like be like??? I've helped people??? And I'm kind of caring??? Even when all the evidence shows that I do care about people and have done a lot Mehr than I am required to do vor 4 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
And its like???? Wow??? vor 4 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Media depiction of DID

Alter: We gotta kidnap and kill them. I want to kill everyone. Stab them - Imma take over and kill them

Reality

Me: Maybe I should have a bit of soda with this popcorn

Lucille: I want tea.

Me: I am not walking out in the rain again to get tea. Du can come out and make tee if Du really want it gepostet vor 5 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
Admittedly, this is like XD There is a lot of work and shit that goes into it, but like XD Its just a meme I had like three Sekunden Vor :v vor 5 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
FYI Lucille is a tee addict vor 5 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Randomly being able to hear your suicidal alter having some sort of an episode is hard shit. Like, its not emotions and feelings and thoughts that I myself feel like are my own and it is fine, but just constantly hearing "I am so tired of being alive. I am so tired of this existence." and so on and so forth is just... its not easy.

I'd get like "Oh I think shes done and I managed to relax" and then another line will whisper out of no where and itd be square one again. gepostet vor 5 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
I'm just kind of waiting for it to pass and for her to go back to being silent. It kind of sucks because I really can't communicate back so I'm just kind of sitting here listening to it randomly appear vor 5 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Hey dudes, for Mental Health Awareness Monat I might try to post a few versions of DID Fragen and answer them myself and IF any of my alters come out and are willing to add their thoughts Ill let them :v gepostet vor 5 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Public Service Announcement Kiddos

Take your medication. gepostet vor 5 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
GUYS ITS ALMOST MAY

MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS MONTH

Maybe Ill do something XD gepostet vor 6 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
It is a good feeling when your old friend Du had a bit of a really problematic friendship with messages back giving proper closure to the friendship's end and apologizing for some of the behavior in the time and ya know.

As someone who had a lot of codependent Friends left hanging, its a good feeling man. :feelsgoodman: gepostet vor 6 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Imma ramble about some just Zufällig DID stuff I've been thinking about lately and its nothing important so dont bother too much with this unless Du are reaaaaallly bored but anyways here I go gepostet vor 6 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
So like, there is this thing that apparently a lot of people with DID have that I know I KINDA have and that I USED To have back when I thought I just had an overactive imagination and what not called "inner worlds" where the alters can manifest and occasionally interact and what not and sometimes they are actually kinda like big environments and what not vor 6 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
Also since I KNOW at least one of them checks my Fanpop when he is out sometimes, yes this is at Du :v :v :v Fight me and don't use my account to redact oder revise what I am saying here :v this is completely valid for me to post on here :v vor 6 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
inb4 he doesnt front anytime soon and this post just gets Lost in time vor 6 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Oh Hey dude! I have a oben, nach oben Contributor thing now on my club's Home page! Thats actually pretty cool XD gepostet vor 6 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Its kind of nice being Home and what not. I get some good time with my fiance and I can kind of relax and pull the breaks a bit. Its pretty good - gegeben my middle sister isnt also Home gepostet vor 7 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Du know a lot of Du guys are actually like a genuine family to me Mehr than yall probably think Du all probably think XD

Cause "Riku" is actually a personality that is of a system that didn't exist - oder at least didn't firmly teilt, split / solidify - before Fanpop existed. I'm really an existence that was 'born' here and figured herself out on here so a lot of me quickly kind of 'grew up' and 'developed' around Du guys like one would with family gepostet vor 7 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Google: Did I really recover from my depression oder did I just dissociate from it? gepostet vor 7 Monaten
2ntyOnePilots Kommentiert…
Ohhhh man. Relatable vor 7 Monaten
2ntyOnePilots sagte …
Ok so... I hav3 a Frage that may seem ignorant, but truth is I just can’t remember most o& the distinguished details. What ways are Borderline Personality Disorder and Dissociative Identity Disorder different? gepostet vor 7 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
As someone who technically has both (one of my alters is BPD where as I myself is debatable on it) I can explain XD vor 7 Monaten
2ntyOnePilots Kommentiert…
Ok thx sm. That’s so interestin. (Sounding like my mum but fuck it lol) a Definitely clears it up vor 7 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
Aye drop Von any Fragen XD vor 7 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
;-; Headache and fatigue for two days in a row ;-; gepostet vor 7 Monaten
2ntyOnePilots Kommentiert…
Awe man, I feel that. Get some rest + take care. ❤️ vor 7 Monaten
GDragon612 Kommentiert…
all the best for Du ma Rikubun, take care and get well soon!! vor 7 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
I lowkey Liebe that the Tag I go to screening with Neurology to make sure there is no physiological reasons I have memory and identity issues is Dissociative Identity Disorder Awareness Day

The Tag my diagnosis will be pretty solid XD gepostet vor 7 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
Inb4 "Oh looks like Du just have a brain tumor" vor 7 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
Update: Yeah I am physiologically solid so its probably just dissociation. Big shock XD vor 7 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Honestly if any of Du guys have any Fragen on DID I am good for answering. XD I appreciate Fragen gepostet vor 8 Monaten
2ntyOnePilots Kommentiert…
I have a question. Did Du ever finish the Artikel Du wrote, and where might I find it? LOL vor 7 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
I got it MOST ways done but got distracted XD I need to finish it its still on my Liste of things to do but man my mental health has been taking up a lot of time XD vor 7 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
I am actually getting into the nit and gritty stuff of DID and its quite interesting and very tiresome XD vor 7 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
One of these I should work on explaining just how important and why Akashi is such a big thing for all of us. gepostet vor 8 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Also still happy I get to train Lefteris in the way of Kuroko no Basket. Soon there will be someone caught up enough to understand my lord and savior Akashi Seijurrou gepostet vor 8 Monaten
Economnomnomics Kommentiert…
Glad to see someone joining the cult. How could Du forget about me, Riku. vor 7 Monaten
Economnomnomics Kommentiert…
Just because I'm inactive doesn’t mean I'm dead 😵💀 vor 7 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Man I had a four Tag weekend but dude I still have a lot of stuff to get done gepostet vor 8 Monaten
2ntyOnePilots Kommentiert…
^ vor 8 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
There are pretty much like three ways to know when Im MAJORLY dissociating and possibly switching personalities

1) A LOT of face touching. If Im rubbing my face a lot and/or blinking heavily, Im probably dissociating and its habitual touching in attempt to like "clear my eyes" and focus in

2) I Weltraum out into absolutely no where

3) I lower my head into my hands oder arms oder away from sight and towards the ground and take irregular breaths. gepostet vor 8 Monaten
TheLefteris24 Kommentiert…
I see. That is pretty interesting to know. Have been curious about the signs !!!! vor 8 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Holy shit I just realized Ive been worshipping Akashi for like four oder five years now gepostet vor 8 Monaten
TheLefteris24 Kommentiert…
Happy 4th-5th Anniversary of Worshipping then !!!! vor 8 Monaten
simrananime sagte …
Joined^^ gepostet vor 8 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
Aye sweet vor 8 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
My little boy bird is a big boy now ;-; I raised him since he was a chick and my mom caught him fucking one of the females XD Shes the one Im taking to college and have shipped him with for ages so like... Im not upset and its rather normal for birds especially during this season XD

But man hes a grown boy now. I remember when he was like... a centimeter big and just a little baby chick. gepostet vor 8 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
That feeling when Du were so dissociated for two to three months and constantly AT BEST half present that Du THOUGHT Du were fully present for some parts cause Du forgot what it was like to be alone in your head / got used to it

Like for the first time probably since Ive come to college, its been just me - no Lucille oder Aderis - and HONESTLY it feels GOOD baby. gepostet vor 8 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
Like.... when Du have Mehr than one present up in the front and are dissociated, Du cant really get into life and do exactly what Du want to do regularly. Du cant REALLY perceive all your emotions oder your needs oder the world around Du cause even if Du are semi-present, its like there is an overload and Du only get half of whats being picked up. Du are kind of stuck at a skin deep level vor 8 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
Its so peaceful to just have a few days to myself for once and actually feel the world again and oh man. #FeelsGoodMan vor 8 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
Imma kick back and enjoy this weekend vor 8 Monaten
TheLefteris24 Kommentiert…
Once again, I'm really happy to see Du like this. As I said, make the most of this feeling, Rikubun !!!! vor 8 Monaten
heart
GDragon612 sagte …
Party finally Rikubun got the 100
btw thanks to Nomy yeah!!!
opens a huge bottle of champaigne and Juice
throwe confetti
drunk now xD
Party hard =D

congrats ma Rikubun💗 gepostet vor 8 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
Thanks XD vor 8 Monaten
GDragon612 Kommentiert…
ya welcome XD vor 8 Monaten
GDragon612 Kommentiert…
throws vor 8 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
"I honestly just see myself Mehr of a character than anything else. To be honest, I learned most of my actions and who I am from Anime characters that I liked." ~ Me like.... three oder four years ago

Still honestly not inaccurate, but the degree I saw myself a vessel to write and create a story in rather than to live in was interesting. I wouldn't go and say I dont view it that way anymore, but its much less severe if Du were to ask me. gepostet vor 8 Monaten
heart
GDragon612 sagte …
just one Mehr Fan then Du got 100 fans
then I open a champaigne yeah(for non alcoholics saft =3) gepostet vor 8 Monaten
GDragon612 Kommentiert…
hwaiting*-*<3 vor 8 Monaten
GDragon612 Kommentiert…
will open<<< vor 8 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
NOMY MADE THE 100! HALELLUJAH vor 8 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
MY FIANCE sagte I CAN MAKE HIM WATCH KNB WHEN WE ARE LIVING TOGETHER YAS gepostet vor 8 Monaten
TheLefteris24 Kommentiert…
Yeee! One Mehr person has been added to the KnB Gang !!!! vor 8 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Me: Man I never write Artikel anymore. I still have like three oder four half completed Artikel to do. Im so lazy man. Why am I always so tired and not in the mood for Schreiben and explaining things when I remind myself of my articles?

Me: *working on a website to build and explain an entire fictional world with races and classes and cities and functions* *writes easily over a thousand oder two on the website whenever shes bored enough to do it*

Me: Man I never write. gepostet vor 8 Monaten
Lusamine sagte …
Joined! gepostet vor 8 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
Welcome! vor 8 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Im still upset Ill never be able to be someones gay boyfriend gepostet vor 8 Monaten
Lusamine Kommentiert…
I know, I was sad too. vor 8 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
;-; vor 8 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Sometimes I wish I had someone to look up to tbh. Someone to take guidance off of. Someone who I am impressed so thoroughly Von that they serve as an inspiration. But alas, it turns out I am stuck Von myself. I have to generate goals and admiration from myself within myself. I have to generate the drive and inspiration and will entirely on my own.

Its not horrible. It makes me independent

But sometimes having the safety net so Du can take a break once and a while would be great gepostet vor 9 Monaten
TheLefteris24 Kommentiert…
Isn't there though? At least those who have contributed their fair share of inspiration over the years. Maybe not a complete Role Model through Life (A lot really have a hard time finding something like this and might also be not be the best option depending on one's selection) but the experiences taught through them and the examples Du have taken can be valuable nonetheless. Regardless of being Family oder Friends, irl People oder Fictional, etc. I have noticed that they could have an impact in a person's jouney. Something that I can relate with myself !!!! vor 9 Monaten
TheLefteris24 Kommentiert…
That being said, it is apparent that your progress so far is mainly because of yourself. No one else could define it. Your very own driving force that pushed Du towards Improvement. It is something to be truly admired and a reason why many others look up to Du and seek for your guidance themselves. Something to take great Pride in !!!! vor 9 Monaten
TheLefteris24 Kommentiert…
^ As excessively Optimistic I might be coming across, that is my Hope. A pure one and I find it to be worthy holding on to it in your case. Just letting that be known !!!! vor 9 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
“I wonder since when, I started yawning as I left my Home for a match. I wonder since when I stopped feeling anything even when we won. The person who can win against me is me alone. But all I wanted was an opponent that I could go all out against. I've always wished for a tight game in which Du couldn't tell if you'd win oder lose...I am grateful to Du Tetsu." ~ Daiki Aomine gepostet vor 9 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
" *in meh mood* .... lets eat popcorn and soda"

"You know we literally just agreed and decided wed lean back towards tee and Obst since drinking things that do not excite the brain and fuels the body with HEALTHY stuff will actually almost factually pick up our mood right? Get some Obst and tea"

".....popcorn and soda" gepostet vor 9 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Im not living am I? gepostet vor 9 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Man I havent gepostet on here in a while. Its... been a week. XD Chaos man. Tiresome. gepostet vor 9 Monaten
TheLefteris24 Kommentiert…
Relatable XD !!!! vor 9 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Im in Liebe gepostet vor 9 Monaten
GDragon612 Kommentiert…
with your boyfriend oder your birds Rikubun <3 vor 9 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
Birds, boyfriend (fiance), and Akashi XDD vor 9 Monaten
TheLefteris24 Kommentiert…
#TripleLove !!!! vor 9 Monaten
TheLefteris24 Kommentiert…
The Holy Trinity of Riku's Obsessions !!!! vor 9 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
...... can someone tell my lungs how to breathe? gepostet vor 9 Monaten
TheLefteris24 Kommentiert…
link vor 9 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
MY LUNGS DONT WORK gepostet vor 9 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Personally, I identify Mehr masculine than feminine and typically want to be and identify with Mehr male / masculine things. I actually never wanted to be a girlfriend when I was younger. I hated the idea of being a GIRLfriend. I was 100% alright with being a boyfriend but the term girlfriend just grossed me out and Im still not a HUGE Fan of it but Im used to it so I dont mind XD gepostet vor 9 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
Theres the whole thing about wanting to be a prince and my style and all. There was even a point in my life / time when I wanted to look as masculine as possible and a bit of dysphoria but that all went away when I really stopped bothering with gender. vor 9 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
I got overwhelmed and tired with all the gender culture and decided I was just going to be me and not do anything to my body that could harm it including binding my boobs cause once Du get past 38D its really not safe, sicher to bind vor 9 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
Plus I like my tits and my fiance likes my tits so... vor 9 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
“I wish we met before they convinced Du life is war.” gepostet vor 9 Monaten
TheLefteris24 Kommentiert…
Relatable !!!! vor 9 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Ah man. I was not ready to go back to college to be honest. Ill probably be better once I get back into academia and get fed the drug of constant work but ugh. gepostet vor 9 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
I have a cheese addiction tbh gepostet vor 9 Monaten
Zeppie Kommentiert…
As I'm munching through a handful of grated mozzarella I find this relatable v: vor 9 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
^^ vor 9 Monaten
JetBlack__ sagte …
Riku didn’t post in 24 hours !!
call 911 gepostet vor 9 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
XD Im alright man XD vor 9 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Me: I didnt take my meds yet. Dont forget. Yeah just after I find some good Musik to listen to.

"Honestly sometimes don't Du think it would be easier to play the roll of broken, edgy, depressed, and unhealthy drug lord oder something than this high standing skilled academic and mental health caring scholar? It would be so easy to maintain that and we'd just have to stop trying with everything. Wouldn't that be fu-"

Me: Okay time to take medication. gepostet vor 9 Monaten
2ntyOnePilots Kommentiert…
Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee vor 8 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
i cant sleep cos i cant stop imagining things and scenarios :vv ;-; gepostet vor 9 Monaten
JetBlack__ Kommentiert…
It's alright Riku it is all temporary,it's over now.you okay.. back to awesome Riku kicking life shit. vor 9 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
XD Its fine XD Its just lowkey nostalgic vor 9 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Me: I am not that bad of a maladaptive daydreamer

Me: *organizes a DnD group*

Me: *literally can not stop knocking out into obsessive character planning and background forming and Tagträumen up different potential characters legit for the Weiter 12 hours straight including while go kart racing to which Im shocked I didnt crash* gepostet vor 9 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Stream might be delayed due to DMV stuff gepostet vor 9 Monaten
BlueDopamine Kommentiert…
ok, Anna vor 9 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
:vv Dont call me Von my first name vor 9 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
It makes me uncomfortable XD Not cause its online but for other reasons I dont wanna go into XD vor 9 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
oder well real name I suppose XD vor 9 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
ANYWAYS. I finally get to take my drivers test after annoying delays twice and a Zufällig appointment cancellation that the DMV didnt tell us about XD All the delays pretty much have me at the end of my learners permit though XD So I need to pass this oder Ill have to start from square one again XD

But I think Ill do fine probably. I mean I am not the best driver and personally I wouldn't drive if I didn't have to cause of my dissociation, but Im somehow better than gepostet vor 9 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
my older sister according to my mom and she has a license so... I think Ill do fine. XD vor 9 Monaten
Rihanna312 Kommentiert…
Welp, this is the third Jahr when I`m postponing getting a license. Mostly because I don`t feel the need for it. But if Du have the reason and need it, I`m sure you`ll do good on the test! vor 9 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
But yeah I would have passed since my driving was stellar but not noticing it was a yield left was an instant fail vor 9 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Ah man its bird fucking season it seems XD My birds keep trying to fuck gepostet vor 9 Monaten
JetBlack__ Kommentiert…
That’s disturbing yet cute xD vor 9 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
.... on another note I just realized I am 18 and have been living for the past few months with the self pressure as if I was like 21-24 gepostet vor 9 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
Like my mom reminded my dad I was turning 19 and I was like "HOLY SHIT WAIT IM 18 WHAT THE HECK IM DOING JUST FINE. WHY AM I TREATING MYSELF LIKE IM WAY BEHIND?!?!" XD vor 9 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
With that being said, I am not going to change the working speed and rate I am working at :v I want to get everything done as fast as possible but man I shoulda cut myself some slack XD vor 9 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
"There is no victory for the passive" gepostet vor 9 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
I wanted to do something when I got back but now House is hallucinating a person and it reminds me too much of personal shit so Im hooked XD gepostet vor 9 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Fresh Owari no Seraph Profil gepostet vor 9 Monaten
Shukuya Kommentiert…
Looks cool! vor 9 Monaten
TheLefteris24 Kommentiert…
Noice. Looks pretty neat !!!! vor 9 Monaten
JetBlack__ Kommentiert…
It’s perfect. vor 9 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Me: *gets into the car and sees fiance's jacke in the backseat and put it on*

Him: You? Cold? Who are you?

Me: Nah, I just miss your jacket

*twenty Minuten later*

Me: Actually I was a bit chilly but I did really mainly want it cos I missed it.

Him: I know, Du just have to be big strong girl that doesnt get cold

Me: >.> Shut up. gepostet vor 9 Monaten
TheLefteris24 Kommentiert…
After all these, anyone who still can't see Du being a Tsundere simply knows nothing XD !!!! vor 9 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
YES I AM STILL THE Queen OF MEDIATING AND ARGUMENT CLEAN UP!

Managed to simultaneously

-Keep my sisters fiance from having to deal with my family's bs arguments
-Made sure my sister was alright the Tag before leaving
-Made sure my mom understood where my sister was coming from
-Made sure my mom was alright with how she left my sister
-Made sure everyone was at least neutral
-Ended the drama
-Explained my 'disowning' of my middle sister
-Everyone is alright gepostet vor 9 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
Oh on that note, my middle sister I blantantly let it be known Im done trying with her and I am going to need to see her change and get her act together before I start trying again cos I got tired being let down on us getting along and her being nice and respectful to my existence vor 9 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
I honestly cant hate her, but its not good for me to keep trying to be nice and get along cause Ill be sucked dry and left used if I keep trying when she isnt. vor 9 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
A bit of appreciation, but I honestly Liebe my fiance. The Mehr I think about it, the Mehr of a rare human that probably has like a 0.01% chance of existing that fits my tastes in people, quirky interests, patient, capable, and understanding enough of my mental health bullshit, and everything to somehow find me and care / like me enough to make me give them a chance even after I tore them apart. gepostet vor 9 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
Like... being in my tastes and being someone Im willing to spend time around IRL is like.... a one in a millionth shot (not really but its pretty rare) vor 9 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
Then just multiplying the rarity of everything else... vor 9 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
Im just lucky to have him vor 9 Monaten
Zeppie Kommentiert…
So sweet ❤ vor 9 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
I swear Ill get back to Hakuoki eventually XD

Im currently bouncing around a few other games though since there are some good sales on thigns I want

Currently doing Jurassic World: Evolution and then Devil May Cry 1 after. If I like Devil May Cry 1 I might get Mehr of the series in the future but I dunno gepostet vor 10 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Dude, I found a clear definitive hole in my memory. My sister's fiance's sister apparently was like... best Friends with me in elementary school and APPARENTLY I was teased a lot oder something like that and she asked about me when my sister met her and I honest to god dont recognize her much at all if at all.

I was a biiit skeptical that it was overexaggerating but legit found pictures of me hugging her as a kid so??? gepostet vor 10 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
And I was in the same school as her for three years at the very least and she is somehow entirely absent from all my memories? I mean thats not shocking because I dont remember much from elementary school but I did make a hell of a hard job remembering the general story including Friends of mine at the time. vor 10 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
I remember some of my other Friends at the time Im pretty sure...??? So its weird but the photographs dont lie... .-. vor 10 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
Legit my first PROOF backed Lost memory and its kinda..... odd?? vor 10 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Bruh solid Weihnachten this year. gepostet vor 10 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
>.> Starting to get to that "hating break" mood cause Im running out of things to keep my mind stimulated gepostet vor 10 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
I honestly hate wasting time vor 10 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
I hate being stressed out about wasting time especially on vacations because I know its irrational but I cant. vor 10 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
Im honestly kind of jealous of people who can comfortably do nothing with their time may it be on vacations oder not vor 10 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Hey guys I'm not dead I swear gepostet vor 10 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Aye guess who is officially engaged now? gepostet vor 10 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Might stream tomorrow at 12 PM PST Kingdom Hearts 1 with my boyfriend. Might not, still considering it gepostet vor 10 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
Nah decided against streaming btw XD Figured itd be Mehr fun just to chill with my boi vor 10 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Since I dont really have the ability to remember my moods for Mehr than two weeks and it screws up a lot of my psychiatry Foren and all, I am going to now keep a mood log to keep track of how I feel so I can Mehr accurately Berichten it gepostet vor 10 Monaten
TheLefteris24 Kommentiert…
^ That is a really nice idea !!!! vor 10 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
I might be kind of between fragments oder something because I am feeling two extremely polar emotions at the same time that shouldn't be able to coexist at the extent that they are and because I can't respond to really interesting Fanpop Zufällig Fragen because I cant come up with any consistent ideas so my sense of identity is probably obscure and messed up even though I dont notice it. gepostet vor 10 Monaten
TheLefteris24 Kommentiert…
^ Relatable in a way. Have been similarly felt confused about some of them myself !!!! vor 10 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
SAIX DESERVES Mehr Liebe gepostet vor 10 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Its a bit shocking that I am still a good bit affected / bothered Von my first major codependent break up. I've mostly moved on and I dont have breakdowns over it every other week like I did two years Vor and I don't compulsively stalk unless "triggered" and thus there is like a REALLY small one in comparison to before

BUT Id be lying if I sagte I wasn't still held back and occasionally bothered Von it. There are some things that can "trigger" small little moments to which gepostet vor 10 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
I recover from rather fast vor 10 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
Its almost four years passed at this point I believe vor 10 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Von the way stream this week is canceled due to my schedule combined with other people's schedules gepostet vor 10 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
*sigh* Its hard to convince myself to sleep cause my brains oddly on edge over the session earlier today and the fact I gotta ride Uber to the airport which Ive always been paranoid about gepostet vor 10 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
Not like horrifically but enough that Im resistant to sleep out of discomfort vor 10 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Tfw Du have to talk with your therapist over why something Du know is irrational is irrational because your brain doesnt always listen to ration and Du just sit there like "Fuck man, now we look dramatic because Du were freaking out over something I told Du was irrational and pointless and potentially unhealthy." gepostet vor 10 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
And then him pointing out the fact I over prepare and over plan for the worst to the point its kinda bad with how it takes a lot of the fun and excitement out of life and then Im like ":vvvv Dont bring me into this :vv Im just trying to protect us :v We might get caught off guard if we dont know whats going on :vv" vor 10 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
.... I really clearly dissociate myself in therapy dont I? vor 10 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
I dont really mean dissociate in like... the experience of dissociation, but the way I talk about myself and my issues in therapy REALLY sounds like Im REALLY teilt, split and like "pfft thats not me" when it fucking is ya hoe. Like its not THAT apparently until I talk about my emotions and way of doing things vor 10 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
Also I gotta stop talking in first person plural so much. XD oder maybe not, cause it might be something I should stop restricting myself on. I dunno. Im curious what psychiatry will say when I go to it on the topic. And after I get MRI scans and shit on my brain so I can make sure its not like some tumor oder anything that might be causing the memory issues and stuff just so they can go through the procedure of diagnosing shit vor 10 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
TFW Du lazily and casually take the ECON practice exam that is 20 Fragen longer than the one Du will take today and get an 96% on it with a little over 40 Minuten to spare when Du really didnt do anything other than Chem and a little bit of Animal Science for about a week gepostet vor 10 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Honestly I kind of doubt when I say I have extremely fragmented personalities because a good 90% of the time I currently feel really like... single. I dont mean dating wise, but like... I feel like Im the only one up in my head and Im like "Nah I must have faked it before" but I vaguely remember having way too indepth discussions with "thoughts" that had extremely different opinions and voices in my head and my boyfriend claims hes seen it in my eyes / body when I claimed to be Aderis so.. gepostet vor 10 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
Lately its only when Im really stressed / threatened that I hear anything in my mental Weltraum - either that oder briefly when something 'stimulates' one of them I guess vor 10 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
I think I got Chem down XD I mean I learned the majority of it in the last two days cause I was on a good track for the first half of the quarter then the fires came and ruined my momentum XD

But its still pretty good. I hear the teacher curves the class two letter grades and I only need a 30% I think then? Which I know I can pull off. Plus I feel like I might know it better than a good chunk of people? gepostet vor 10 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Yo hearing your oldest sister be like "Yeah, I didn't really care that Du were Mehr attached to him than me, I was just glad there was someone else helping out because I could barely keep Du alive since there is only so much a sister could do."

Well geee.

I mean I remember being bad but not that bad :v gepostet vor 10 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
But then again I dont really remember XD At least people being really up front with how close I seemed to be to offing myself gives me validation that I really was depressed at some point like my sparknotes of my own life says :v vor 10 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
Lowkey kinda wanna go back and experience again just to see how bad I really was but I think Id regret that five Sekunden in vor 10 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
I don't really have a good sense of when Im pushing myself too hard to be entirely honest. Usually I end up pushing myself and pushing myself unaware of the toll its having oder only minimal awareness of it to the point I feel like I can do a lot Mehr then I just suddenly snap / break / crack and am forced to stop

Its something I am working on and I only really stopped studying (out of boredom) cause I took a short rbeak to call my boyfriend and he told me to take a break gepostet vor 10 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
Turns out Im kinda feeling how exhausted I was after taking about an Stunde break XD vor 10 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
Same kinda goes with most internal feelings, may it be hunger, exhaustion, and sometimes even just flat out pain. Im really bad at recognizing it until Im barely functioning and at that point it tends to be too late :v But Im working on it and try to listen when someone I know that can read me and that I trust tells me to take a break cos I know some people are better at telling when Im worn down than I am XD vor 10 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
Man going through your tumblr (a place Du only ranted on when REALLY bad and not really wanting people to know) and specifically go back to the rants cause Du know Du had a tag for them

"I WANT TO DISSOCIATE. I WANT ADERIS. I DON’T WANT TO FEEL oder BE HERE." gepostet vor 10 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
[Hashtags so I could find the post if need be] #I Hate That Ive Been Stopping With My Dissociation #I Want It Back #I Dont Want To Be Here #I Dont Want To Feel For Now #If I Had To Give The Personality To Her #I Would #I Want Someone Else To Protect Me #I Want Someone Else To Handle The Stress #I Dont Want To Be The One To Take This Bullcrap #I Want Someone Who Doesnt Judge Herself #I Want Someone Who Can Say 'Fuck Du And Fuck It' #I Want Someone Narcissistic And Egotistical #Just Not Me vor 10 Monaten
Riku114 Kommentiert…
April 4th 2018 apparently. I wish I knew what happened that Tag XD vor 10 Monaten
Riku114 sagte …
tfw Du went to the nearby campus market to get Mehr Icebreakers, forget, buy a soda and Ramune for the stream, then half an Stunde after Du come back Du just go "shit I dont have any icebreakers" gepostet vor 10 Monaten