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How's my story so far?

The plot is a 8 Jahr old girl is possessed Von a demon-vampire, and the whole story is from her 20 Jahr old sister's POV. Here's some of it. Hope this doesn't sounds like a weird plot :\


I walked down the straße only to find my Favorit breakfast bar infront of me.
I opend the door and walked in as the bells chimed as they hit the glass. I
looked around to see if Rosie was here, but it turns out, she wasn't. I
guess she doesn't work on Wensdays. I walked to the front counter and sat
down on one of those high chairs that spin. The velvet color reminded me of
the dress my sister wore to her Sekunde grade konzert in December. She is
starting 3rd grade soon, and she's scared. Going to a new school must be
hard for a kid her age. And those nasty 5th graders. In my school, we were
separated from the kids in the higher grades. Even the buses were divided
into garde levels. And we had to wear uniforms. If Du were in 3rd grade,
Du would wear purple, 4th grade, green, and 5th grade, blue. I remember I
got Lost the first day, and a teacher lectured me on how I wasn't paying
attention, but I didn't care. The woman had no kids, so she didn't know
what it feels like to get Lost at such a young age especially when a kid
comes Home and starts kicking the dust screamin at the wind at how stupid
some people were for tratin children like that. I had sat on my tire
swing, schaukel that Tag thinking about how my life was going to end up.
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Some spelling errors but I'll fix em later
chillyneon posted Vor mehr als einem Jahr
 chillyneon posted Vor mehr als einem Jahr
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trainofdoom82 said:
Woah woah woah woah! Three sentences in and I just can't.

Never EVER start Mehr than 3 sentences in a paragraph with the word 'I'. I know this is written in first person but try to work around that. It reads terrible. Some of the diction is...awkward.

" I walked down the straße only to find my Favorit breakfast bar infront of me "

How about. " As I aimlessly walked down the straße with unhurried steps I found myself in front of my Favorit breakfast bar as if my feet unconsciously knew exactly what I needed at the moment"


But I mean...there's no opening. No exposition. What the hell is even going on?

Stuff is jumping around all over the place...


IS SHE GOING TO GET BREAKFAST oder HAVING A FLASHBACK OF HER WHOLE LIFE?!
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posted Vor mehr als einem Jahr 
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Sorry 0___0
chillyneon posted Vor mehr als einem Jahr
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I'm very passionate about writing. Sorry if I come off a little strong. Uhm. Do Du mind if I do a rewrite of your story and Zeigen Du some ways to improve?
trainofdoom82 posted Vor mehr als einem Jahr
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kk
chillyneon posted Vor mehr als einem Jahr
flabaloobalah said:
good so far. and im interested as well.
*treatin'
good luck, and i will read it. may the pencil be ever in your favor!
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 good so far. and im interested as well. *treatin' good luck, and i will read it. may the pencil be ever in your favor!
posted Vor mehr als einem Jahr 
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Thanks. And there are some spelling mistakes ;\
chillyneon posted Vor mehr als einem Jahr
XxKeithHarkinxX said:
Well,

Du need to vary the sentence beginning. Don't start sentences with "and"

It's kind of lacks depth, ti didn't really catch my interest.

it's honestly not that great.
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posted Vor mehr als einem Jahr 
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Okay.
chillyneon posted Vor mehr als einem Jahr
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Everyone has a different interest.
chillyneon posted Vor mehr als einem Jahr
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Yeahh,,, but a good story catches everyones eye. just sayin' (and my moms a writer btw so she taught me all this shit
XxKeithHarkinxX posted Vor mehr als einem Jahr
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XD. I am going to Bearbeiten it soon, so it'll look better with a better vocabulary.
chillyneon posted Vor mehr als einem Jahr
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