can any body look at my story for me and Kommentar what Du think and if Du would read a Sekunde chapter?[there is a link in the details]

Okay, I'm sorry, but I couldn't get through the first paragraph of this story because of the appalling amount of spelling and grammatical errors in it. There aren't even spaces between the punctuation marks, and Du use the wrong "to". What grade must Du be in to not have learned which "to" to use? Your sentences are run-ons and they have little relevancy. There is no flow to your story; it's just choppy and uninteresting. I would suggest that Du use Microsoft Word to rewrite this (spell-check) and possibly your mom oder English teacher. I wouldn't really want to read another chapter of this. Plus, it sounds just like Twilight. Except much, much worse. I'm sorry if you're offended Von this, but it just isn't very good. I didn't want to sugarcoat it. I'm sure it could be a very good story, if maybe Du asked for help from an adult oder older sibling. Again, sorry, but as someone once said: "Lies never help anything, not in the long run, anyway. It's better to make an honest mess and clean it up." oder something like that, sorry, I don't have the quote in front of me. But Du should definitely give it another go, just make sure Du Bearbeiten your work.