Theme song: link

Bob: *Picks up his phone as it rings* Hello.

SeanTheHedgehog Presents

The Bob Newhart Fanfiction

Narrator: This is the story of a stallion named Bob Newhart. He lives in Fillydelphia with his wife, Emily. They have a friend that sometimes visits them, named Howard. Bob has a great life. He's a therapist, and helps out many ponies that have a problem. One day, he arrived at work, and three ponies were waiting for him.

The song fades away as the therapy session begins.

Lily: Good morning Bob.
Sam: How has your Tag been Bob?
Mr. Carlin: Wonderful weather we're having, eh Bob?
Bob: Yeah, it's wonderful weather we're having. What's the matter with Du three?
Sam: Mr. Carlin says that the two of us are lazy, because he want's us to wash his car.
Mr. Carlin: Just do somepony a favor, okay?
Bob: Mr. Carlin, if Du want your car to be washed, but don't feel like doing it yourself, go to a carwash.
Mr. Carlin: That costs money. I want somepony to do it for free.
Bob: I don't think that's possible. You'll have to pay the ponies that wash your car.
Mr. Carlin: I don't have enough money to get a carwash though.
Bob: Do Du have any kids?
Mr. Carlin: Only one. Why?
Bob: I know a lot of colts, and fillies that like to have fun with water, sponges, and everything used for cleaning a car. Perhaps your little pony would like to clean the car for free.
Mr. Carlin: Yeah. Good idea.
Bob: Excellent, I'm glad we could fix this. So, is that the only problem?
Lily: Yes, thank Du for helping us.
Bob: Alright, Du three come back anytime Du have another problem.

Later, at Bob's apartment.

Howard: *On smartphone*
Emily: Howard?
Howard: Yes?
Emily: How long have Du been on my phone?
Howard: Oh, this was yours? I've been playing Süßigkeiten Crush for so long, that I forgot.
Emily: How many lives do I have left?
Howard: One.
Bob: *Enters his apartment*
Emily: Hi Bob.
Bob: Hello Emily. *sees Howard on smartphone* Need extra lives Howard?
Howard: Oh no, this is Emily's phone.
Bob: Well, don't Du have your own phone?
Howard: I used to, but it got destroyed on the last plane I had to fly.
Bob: How?
Howard: Let's just say I was too busy to see where I was sitting.
Bob: Oh, I see.
Emily: How was your Tag dear?
Bob: It was alright. I had three ponies come in, because one of them tried to create some slavery over a carwash.
Emily: Well, Du don't have to worry about that anymore. I just finished preparing dinner. Du two can eat whenever you're ready.
Howard: Alright, just as soon as I... *Fails level* What?! When did a bomb get there?
Bob: Hey Howard, how about we have some chicken, instead of a rage?
Howard: *Puts phone on table* Okay.

The Weiter Tag at work, Bob was in his office.

Bob: Carol?
Carol: Yes Bob?
Bob: Could Du please get me some coffee?
Carol: Coming right up.
Mr. Carlin: *Knocking on door*
Bob: My door is open, Du can come in.
Mr. Carlin: Oh, I knew that, I just like knocking on doors. *Enters room*
Bob: Is everything okay?
Mr. Carlin: Well, to be honest, no. My wife got angry with me, for letting our fohlen, colt wash the car for free. Now, she's thinking on divorcing me.
Bob: Well, I'm sorry to hear that Mr. Carlin-
Carol: *Brings coffee* Here Du are Bob.
Bob: Thanks, put it on my schreibtisch in front of me.
Carol: *Puts coffee on desk, and leaves office*
Mr. Carlin: What were Du going to say?
Bob: What I was going to say was that Du should apologize to your wife, and try to take her out on a date. This works on most occasions, but if she's extremely angry, there's a chance it won't work. That reminds me, how angry is she?
Mr. Carlin: She threw mud on my car.
Bob: Yeah, I'd go with the divorce.
Mr. Carlin: Thank Du Mr. Newhart.
Bob: Du can just call me Bob.
Mr. Carlin: But Du always call me Mr. Carlin.
Bob: Well, maybe that's because I don't know your first name.
Mr. Carlin: Well I don't have a schreibtisch with my entire name on it.
Bob: What is your first name?
Mr. Carlin: George.
Bob: Alright George, I'm glad Du came down here to talk, but unfortunately, we're out of time. Du come back again Weiter week if you'd like.
Mr. Carlin: Right, thanks. *Leaves office*

A half Stunde later, Bob's boss arrived.

Boss: Hello Bob.
Bob: Hello sir.
Boss: I just want to say you've been doing a great job this week. Keep it up.
Bob: Du got it sir, but I wanna tell Du something.
Boss: Yes?
Bob: I think it's time that I went on a vacation. Only for four days.
Boss: Okay. We'll get Du something for your vacation.
Bob: Alright, I'll go the Tag after tomorrow.
Boss: Good plan.
Lily & Sam: *Walk in office* Hi Bob.
Bob: Hello. What can I help Du two with?
Lily: We were at the zoo, and something bad happened to us.
Bob: What happened?
Sam: One of the guards made us leave this exhibit, because he thought we were loitering, but we were just watching one of the monkeys.
Bob: And how did this make Du feel?
Lily: Angry.

Six hours later, Bob returned home, and was talking to Emily about the vacation

Emily: What did Du have in mind?
Bob: I was thinking we could go on a luxury cruise. We'll go the Tag after tomorrow, and take a break from it all.
Howard: *Knocking on door* Bob, let me in!
Bob: In a Minute Howard, I'm busy.
Howard: *Walks in apartment, and walks right Weiter to Bob*
Bob: Come in Howard!
Emily: Could Du close the door?
Howard: Oh, right. Sorry. *Goes to door, and closes it* What's going on?
Bob: We're planning a vacation.
Howard: Can I come along?
Bob: Well...
Howard: *Hears his phone ringing* Hold that thought. *Answers phone* Hello... What?... Now?..... Alright, sorry, I'll get there right away. *Hangs up* I have to fly a plane to London. Perhaps another time, I'll go on a vacation with you.
Bob: Right.
Howard: *Leaving apartment* Bye gu- *walks into door, then opens the door* Bye guys. *Closes door as he exits apartment*

The Weiter day, Bob came to work. Carol had a gift for his vacation tomorrow.

Bob: Hello.
Boss & Carol: Hey Bob. We have your present.
Bob: What is it?
Carol: *Shows gift* Some wine, for you, and your wife.
Bob: Thanks. How old is this wine?
Carol: It's from last Tuesday.
Bob: Oh.
Sam: *Arrives* Hello Bob.
Bob: Hi Sam, have a sitz in my office, I'll be right with you.
Sam: *Sees wine* What's the vintage on that? I'll bet it's from 1936.
Bob: Last tuesday.
Sam: Oh. Doesn't taste as good as a '36, but okay. *Goes to office*
Bob: Well, I really like the gift Du have gegeben me, and I want to thank you.
Boss: No problem. Now get to work.
Bob: *Goes to his office*

The Weiter Tag was the vacation. Bob, and Emily got on the luxury cruise liner, and were enjoying theirselves very much.

Bob: *Laying in bed* This is great Emily. I'm glad we could get some time to do this.
Emily: You're right. We needed Mehr time for a vacation.
Bob: No Howard, no problems with Lily, Sam oder Mr. Carlin. Just you, and me.

Somepony was knocking on the door.

Emily: Who could that be?
Scottish Pony: *Opens door* Good morning. My name is Burt Klinger, and this is me mum, Mildred.
Bob: Du call your own mother Von her first name?
Burt: I ain't got a mother, I sagte mum.
Mildred: It's just a nickname he likes to use for me.
Bob: Pretty... Clever.
Burt: So how are you?
Bob: Good.
Emily: Excuse me for asking, but have we met before?
Burt: No we haven't. This is something I like to do with everypony when they seem friendly.
Bob: But Du just met us.
Mildred: We saw Du boarding, and we saw which room Du went in, and we decided to come in, and say hello.
Bob: How nice of you, hello.
Burt: Well, we better get going, a scavenger hunt is going to start soon.
Emily: Ooh, I Liebe scavenger hunts.
Bob: I was going to get some lunch.
Emily: Why don't the four of us go together?
Bob: I don't think thats-
Burt: That's a great idea. Let's go now.
Bob: *Sighs* Why?
Burt: Du know what I like to get all the time?
Bob: Potatoes?
Burt: No, that's the Irish. I like to get the salad.
Mildred: And I get steak.
Burt: Maybe, this time Du should have the salat with me mum.
Emily: salat sounds nice.
Bob: I have to agree with Mildred, the steak sounds good.
Waiter: May I take your orders.
Burt: Me, and mum will have a salad.
Mildred: Don't be daft Burt, I can order for myself. Let me have a steak.
Waiter: Okay. *Writing down orders* And for the rest of you?
Bob: Steak.
Emily: Salad.
Waiter: Okay. What kind of dressing would Du like for the salads.
Burt: Ranch.
Emily: French.
Waiter: Coming right up. *Goes to kitchen*
Burt: Why didn't Du get the salad?
Mildred: I told you, I could order my own food!
Bob: Hey, there's no need to shout.
Mildred: Sorry Bobby.
Bob: Please, just call me Bob.
Burt: So, what Du do Du two do?
Bob: I'm a therapist.
Burt: A rapist?
Bob: No, I sagte therapist.
Emily: I work on advertising.
Bob: So, what about-
Burt: Du know something? I'm sorry to say this, but I hate therapists. They're always telling ponies that they have this problem, and how to solve them.
Bob: Actually Burt, the ponies that come to visit a therapist tell them their problem. Not the other way around.
Burt: But Du always tell them how to solve it.
Bob: Because they want help.
Burt: I just hate therapy in general.
Emily: Hey look, the band is here.

The band shows up on stage, and is playing a song: link

Mildred: Oh, I Liebe this song.
Bob: Me too. Emily, do Du want to dance while we wait for our food?
Emily: Sure.
Mildred: I want to dance too.
Burt: I don't. Du go ahead, and dance. We'll let the waiter know where Du are.
Bob: Well, thanks. *Goes to dancing floor*
Emily: *Follows Bob*

While Bob, and Emily were dancing, Mildred seemed sad. She left the table.

Burt: Where do Du think you're going?
Mildred: For a walk. I need some fresh air.
Burt: Oh, fine.
Mildred: *Goes for walk*

After lunch, Bob went in his room to relax, while Emily, and a few other ponies went on a scavenger hunt around the ship. Soon, Bob heard somepony knocking on his door.

Bob: Come in.
Mildred: *Comes in* I need your help with something.
Bob: What's the matter?
Mildred: It's Burt. He's been bothering me since we came here. I told him not to call me mum, but he got angry with me.
Bob: He didn't try to hurt you, did he?
Mildred: No, but he's probably looking for me, and then he'll hurt me.
Bob: I'll make sure he doesn't hurt you.
Zufällig Pony: *Knocking on door*
Mildred: That's probably him!
Bob: *Opens door*
Zufällig Pony: Hi I'm on a scavenger hunt. Do Du have any grey socks, a football, oder a long wooden stick?
Bob: No, I don't have any of those.
Zufällig Pony: *Leaves room*
Bob: *Closes door* Now, where were we?
Mildred: I told Du that Burt might hurt me if he finds me.
Bob: Well, if he shows up, Du just hide somewhere, and I'll tell him that you're not around here.
??: *Knocking on door*
Mildred: That's him, I know it! *Hiding in closet*
Bob: *Opens door*
Zufällig Mare: Hello, I'm on a scavenger hunt. Do Du have a Foto of Bruno Mars, oder a diamond necklace?
Bob: What kind of a scavenger hunt has a diamond necklace?
Zufällig Mare: None, but I thought if I sagte it fast, Du would give one to me. *Leaves*
Bob: *Closes door*
Mildred: *Comes out of closet*

Okay, I know that sounded wrong, but bare with me!

Mildred: I think this is too death defying.
Bob: Mildred, Du have to relax. Du should take some deep breaths, and if Du need to, I'll let Du lay in my bed.
??: *Knocking on door*
Mildred: Back to the closet! *Runs in closet*
Bob: *Opens door*
Zufällig pony 35: Hello, I'm on a scavenger hunt. Do Du have a pair of headphones, an Italian flag, oder a spear?
Bob: No.
Zufällig pony 35: Are Du sure?
Bob: I think I'd remember packing a spear.
Zufällig pony 35: *Leaves*
Bob: *Closes door*
Mildred: *Comes out of closet*
Emily: *Enters room*
Mildred: AH! *Sees Emily* Oh, it's just you. I thought it was somepony else.
Emily: What's the matter?
Bob: Mildred, and Burt got in this fight, and now she's concerned that Burt wants to hurt her.
Emily: What are Du going to do?
Bob: I'm not sure. I guess we can keep Mildred in here until things get sorted out with her, and Burt.
Emily: Is that alright with Du Mildred?
Mildred: Yes! Anywhere from that miserable stallion is a good place to me.
Bob: Alright. I'm gonna go talk to him.

Bob found Burt at the bar. He was drinking some alcohol.

Bob: Burt, may I talk to you?
Burt: Oh, sure thing Bob. What would Du like to talk about?
Bob: I heard from your wife that Du threatened to beat her up if Du saw her again.
Burt: Yes I did. Have Du seen her?
Bob: No.
Burt: Oh well. Why don't Du have some drinks with me? You'll Liebe it.
Bob: How many did Du have?
Burt: Oh, about six so far.
Waiter: *Arrives* Would Du like another drink?
Burt: Yes, and get one for me friend too.
Bob: Right. I want one too.
Waiter: Coming up. *Goes to get drink*
Bob: So anyway, why would Du want to beat up your wife?
Burt: She disrespected me.
Bob: Well, the way I heard it, Du were disrespecting her.
Burt: Du must've heard it wrong. She told me that she didn't want to be called mum anymore, so that infuriated me, and I told her to leave me alone.
Bob: Du know, maybe for once Du should call your wife Von her own name.
Waiter: *Arrives with drinks*
Burt: Thank you.
Bob: Yes, thanks.
Burt: Could Du bring us another drink?
Waiter: Yep. I'm on it. *Goes to get drinks*
Burt: Now Du drink that booze, and tell me what Du think.
Bob: *drinks* It's- *Coughs* Good. *Bangs on counter twice*
Burt: I knew you'd like it. *Drinks his drink* Now, why would I want to call Mildred Von her own name, when I got an adorable nickname for her?
Bob: I don't think she likes that nickname anymore. Maybe Du should stop.
Burt: No thanks.
Waiter: *Brings drinks*
Burt: Thank you. *drinks*
Bob: *Drinks, coughs, then bangs on counter twice*
Burt: Du really enjoy that, don't you?
Bob: Yeah, but I have to go. *Leaves counter*

Bob returned to his room, where Emily, and Mildred were waiting.

Mildred: What did he say?
Bob: *drunk* Who's he? I never met that pony.
Mildred: Burt. What did he say to you?
Bob: Oh, that pony... He sagte that mum is a great name for you.
Emily: Are Du okay Bob?
Bob: Me? Of course I am... Who are we talking about?
Mildred: I'm so kreuz with Burt, I could just schlagen, punsch him.
Emily: Bob has a solution to get that anger out of your system. What was it Bob?
Bob: What was what?
Emily: Oh, I remember. Grab a pillow, and schlagen, punsch it.
Mildred: *Grabs pillow* Are Du sure?
Emily: This works all the time.
Mildred: *Punches pillow* That felt fun.

Meanwhile outside of Bob's room

Burt: *Walking toward Bob's room*
Zufällig Pony: *Sees Burt* Excuse me sir, I'm on a scavenger hunt, do Du have a yellow crayon, oder a cell phone?
Burt: I don't have any of those.
Zufällig Pony: What kind of a pony doesn't have a cell phone? *Walks away*
Burt: *Knocks on door*
Mildred: AH! That could be him!
Burt: Bob, could I come in?
Bob: Sure.
Mildred: What are Du doing?
Bob: Relax, use that kissen if he tries to schlagen, punsch you.
Burt: *Enters room* Mildred, what are Du doing here?
Emily: She just stopped Von a few Minuten ago.
Burt: Oh. Anyway, I wanna apologize for my behavior. It was wrong of me, and I won't do it again.
Mildred: That's great Burt. Thank you.

Burt, and Mildred left the room smiling at each other.

Bob: Well, now what?
Emily: We enjoy the rest of our cruise until returning to Fillydelphia.
Captain: *Talking on loudspeaker* Attention, this is your captain speaking. I know this may seem like you're flying on an airplane, especially with the starting sentence, but that's not the point. Du will be returning to Fillydelphia soon. Thank Du for staying with us, and we hope Du enjoyed your visit on this ship.
Bob: Well. It was nice while it lasted.

Bob, and Emily returned home.

Emily: Well, that was a fun cruise.
Bob: *Being sarcastic* Yeah, especially the part where Zufällig ponies ask for Zufällig items.
Emily: Perhaps some TV might help you. *Turns on TV* Let's see what's on.
TV Pony: Walt Disney has gone bankrupt creating the movie Frozen, which turned out to be the worst animated film ever.
Emily: Enjoy that, I'm gonna go get groceries. *Leaves apartment*
Bob: Yeah, but I'm not watching a review about some stupid cartoon that nopony likes. *Changes channel*

Ponies On The Rails came on the Fernsehen

Gordon: *Loading baggage on train*
Pete: *Parks car in parking lot*
P.S.M: Gordon, your boss is here.
Gordon: How do Du know? *sees Pete's car* Oh no.
Bob: *Changes channel*

The Seventh Scroll came on.

Bartholomew: I think we're here.
Javelin: My flat's over there in that building. *they walk up there and find the door open* Oh no... this can't be good...
Bob: Don't care *Changes channel*

A channel that played classical TV shows came on.

Bob: Oh good. I'm watching Adam 12.

25 Minuten later.

Emily: *Returns* Bob, this isn't what Du were watching when I left.
Bob: I know, I changed the channel.
Emily: *Sees TV* What are Du watching?
Bob: The classics. Right now, they're playing an episode of Emergency, and the feuer department has to run around Los Pegasus saving ponies.
Emily: Interesting, but it's almost ten O' clock. Don't Du normally sleep at that time of night?
Bob: *sees Clock* Oh, you're right. *Turns off TV* I have almost forgotten.

Weiter morning at work

Bob: *Sitting in office*
Boss: *Knocks on door*
Bob: Come in.
Boss: *Enters room*
Bob: Hello sir. What can I do for you?
Boss: First of all, I wanna welcome Du back.
Bob: Well, thank you.
Boss: And I also wanna tell you, that Mr. Carlin is no longer going to be here.
Bob: Why not?
Boss: He sagte it was because of everypony here, in this town. So he grabbed all his belongings, and moved all the way into Chicagoat.
Bob: Chicagoat? Goats live there, not ponies.
Burt: There's a few ponies that live there. Anyway, Mr. Carlin is gone.
Bob: That's too bad. Sir, I wanna tell Du the truth. I was really tired of this job, so that's why I went on the vacation. When I was on there however, this Scottish couple sagte they were having problems, and I helped them.
Boss: Good work. Do Du think Du could get them here?
Bob: Well I don't know. I never did get their number.
Burt & Mildred: *Come up in elevator*
Carol: Excuse me, who are Du two?
Burt: Friends with Bob, we'd like to see him.
Carol: Okay.
Burt & Mildred: *Walk into Bob's office* Hello.
Bob: How did Du two find me?
Burt: We followed ye'.
Mildred: And we're sure glad we done it too.
Burt: Now we can come to Du whenever we need help.
Bob: Thanks. I really appreciate that.

The End

The Bob Newhart Fanfiction - SeanTheHedgehog. Copyright 2014