He stood there, unable to move. His eyes were fixed on them across the street. His herz was breaking a little Mehr as each Sekunde past. He could feel the tears filling up his eyes, but he wouldn’t let one shed onto his cheek. He was Chuck bass after all. He didn’t cry. And if he did cry it sure as hell wouldn’t be over a girl.
But she wasn’t just any girl. She was Blair Waldorf. She was his girl. HIS girl who was Küssen HIS best friend. HIS best friend was Küssen HIS girl. He felt sick to his stomach. He couldn’t bär to watch this any longer, but he couldn’t look away. His eyes were glued on them. He wondered when, oder if, they would ever notice him. Just staring at them.
Chuck couldn’t tell which emotion was stronger, anger oder sadness. He wanted to go right over there and crush Nate to bits and pieces, but at the same time he felt like going Home and drinking this horrible memory away.
Chuck regretted almost everything that had happened in the past Jahr just then. He regretted calling Blair his wife. He regretted not going to Tuscany with her the past summer. He regretted leaving her and fleeing the country after his father had died. He regretted not telling her what she wanted to hear from him…those three words.
The things he regretted were pretty much all the mistakes he had made involving Blair.
Because he loved her.
She was the only one he had ever loved. Well, besides his dad. But she was the only who had ever loved him back. So she sagte anyways. He wasn’t so sure of her Liebe now, while he was standing on this street.
His blood boiled. He couldn’t stand watching Nate KISS her. He couldn’t stand any other man Küssen her. But Nate was the worst. It felt like déjà vu. This scene had happened too many times before. He felt his fists clench. Knuckles turning white. He took a step forward, but he stopped himself.
He wouldn’t do this. For her. He wouldn’t do this.
She was his whole world. And he couldn’t hurt her anymore. Because he feared if he did she might never forgive him. He had hurt her enough. He couldn’t bring it upon himself to do it again.
But she had hurt him too. She had hurt him so many times. But she never thought about it! Because she was a conceded bitch. Blair didn’t think about anyone, but herself. She didn’t dwell over all the times she had hurt him like he was doing now! Sleeping with him then going back to Nathaniel like it never happened! Bringing Home a guy from Tuscany, France, oder where ever the hell she was! This! Now! This moment right now!
He finally turned to walk home. At last he had brought himself to look away. To stop staring. But as he heard his shoes click against the side walk he felt one of the built up tears hit his check. It rolled down his face and slid across his lip. He brushed it away furiously with the back of his hand. He couldn’t believe what Blair had done to him. This was all her fault! For making him feel this way! Chuck didn’t want to feel like this. It wasn’t a good feeling. He felt sick. Not sick like the flu. But sick like you’re scared of the bullies and don’t want to go to school kind of sick. Not that Chuck knew anything about being bullied at school. He practically was the bully.
He kept walking towards the direction of the transporter, van der Woodsen penthouse that he had moved back into only a few weeks earlier. He wished he hadn’t decided he needed fresh air when he was leaving school. He could’ve just gotten in his limo like he did every day. But today he just had to walk. He just had to go down this street.
As he walked Home he couldn’t get the Bilder of Nate and Blair out of his head. How could they do this to him when the both claimed to care about him? Well, Nate hadn’t been much of a friend lately. So he could see how easy it would be for Nate to hurt him like this. And Blair had told Chuck that she was done with him. But really done? Like she would never forgive? They would never be together? He hated thinking about a life without Blair. He could only imagine what his future would be like without her. It certainly wasn’t a good one.
He had no one left. Not one person left on this earth that truly loved him and cared about him. He guessed there never really was. Nothing had actually changed, he realized.
He wasn’t surprised about this fact. He couldn’t see how anyone could Liebe him. He didn’t even Liebe himself. In fact, he hated himself. But this is just the way he was. He was Chuck Bass. He hadn’t been raised with any Liebe so how could someone expect him to Zeigen it? He really didn’t even know what Liebe felt like until that night Blair had come to him after she had broken up with Nate. The night Chuck realized he loved her. He had been in Liebe with her this whole time and had never seen it. But nobody really saw her. Least of all Nate. How could she go back to him after all he has done to her? He doesn’t Liebe her. He never did! Chuck could feel his herz beat faster and he quickened his pace.
Nate always saw the ever lovely and amazing Serena. When Nate saw her and Blair stand Weiter to each other he had always looked towards Serena. Serena did have a certain way about her, but Chuck had always found Blair to be Mehr interesting. Even when they were little kids.
That night at Victrola was when Chuck finally saw how brightly Blair could glow when she was being herself. When she was free. And she had always been free when she was with Chuck…or so he thought.
Nate only dragged her down with his boring self. She didn’t belong with him.
But he saw that maybe he didn’t belong with her either. That they would never be what he hoped one Tag they could be. Because Blair had sagte it herself…Chuck didn’t belong with anyone.
He couldn’t have her.
Chuck didn’t really notice when he had reached home. He was basically on auto-pilot thinking of Blair and Nate and himself the whole time he was walking. He rode the elevator up to the penthouse. He threw his bag that was slung over his shoulder on the ground Von the küche and strolled over to his room. No one was Home yet. Eric was probably out with Jenny and his boyfriend. Serena was probably…well actually he had no idea where she could be since she had just broken up with Humphrey, again. And Lily was of course out with her mistress, Rufus.
He opened the door to his room and slammed it behind him. The force of his door caused the art work that was hanging on his walls to shake. He wanted to scream. He wanted to break stuff. He couldn’t handle all this hatred and anger. He had never been this mad before. He slowly walked over to the mirror that was across the room Von his bed. He stared at himself in it for a brief moment until he brought his fist straight into it. It cracked a bit. Right where the mirror image of his face had been. He continued to schlagen, punsch it and kick at it like mad until practically all the reflective glass had shattered and was scattered across the floor. Chuck picked up the lamp that was on his bett side tabelle and threw at the door. It quickly broke from the impact.
He tore through his room like crazy. Smashing anything that was in his line of sight.
After he had run out of energy, Chuck slid down the side of his bed. He rested his head against the mattress and breathed heavily. He was still thinking of her though. Still seeing her beautiful face that he hated so much. He hated what she did to him. Hated the way she made him feel when she touched him. Even just looking at him made his herz beat a little bit faster. He hated it, but loved it too. He loved nothing Mehr than touching her, Küssen her, being with her. Just being in close proximity to Blair made him feel whole. But when he wasn’t with her he felt an emptiness inside himself. An emptiness that had been there his whole life, but then he had fallen for her. And for the first time in his life he knew how it felt to be whole.
His mouth became dry as he thought his Weiter thought.
He would never have her.
She would never be his.
She was Blair Waldorf.
The poised and perfect Blair Waldorf.
And he was Chuck Bass.
The broken and untrustworthy Chuck Bass.
He wasn’t good enough for her.
He never would be.
Because he could never change who he was. No matter how hard he tried. He would never be able to change fate. It was in his blood to sleep with as many women as possible and say horrible things to the ones he was supposed to love. His father had done. Hell, his uncle did it! It was just the way Chuck was.
He couldn’t change.
Not even for Blair.
Chuck lifted his head and looked around his destroyed room. It was as if it had been ransacked Von a thief.
His eyes swept over the mirror and down where the glass had fallen to the floor. He picked up a big piece that was just within reaching distance. He twirled it in his fingers. Watching the sun hit it and shine a blinding light into his cool brown eyes for a second. His index finger felt the sharp tip. Bilder of Blair shot through his mind. Their first KISS in the limo…their first time in the limo, when he had told her about his butterflies, the way her soft skin felt on his, the time she sagte she loved him. The Bilder wouldn’t stop. They turned into bad times. Her Küssen Nate at her cotillion ball, her telling him he disgusts her, her Küssen Marcus…the moment today…with Nate.
Chuck set the piece of glass down on the floor beside him.
He snatched a piece of paper from the tabelle Von his bett and a pen. He scribbled some words down quickly, folded the paper in half, and tossed it on his bed.
He slid to the floor again. He picked the same piece of glass up with his right hand and slowly drew it to his left wrist. He held it right above his skin for a moment. Hesitating.
He wasn’t worth anything. No one cared about him. He wouldn’t be missed.
Morbid thoughts ran through Chucks mind as he held the glass there.
And with a schnell, swift motion he dug the sharp end of the glass horizontally down his wrist. He had to put a lot of pressure on it since the glass couldn’t easily break the skin. It was easily the worst physical pain he had ever gone through. But he thought, this pain now will prevent a lot of emotional pain he would go through in the future.
Blood began to flow out of the gash now on his arm. He didn’t look at it for a long time because he moved to his right wrist.
The pain was almost unbearable. He grunted and squeezed his eyes shut as he sliced his other wrist. He shouted out in pain. The pain was killing him. He couldn’t believe how bad it hurt. He thought it would be over so quickly that he wouldn’t even feel the pain. But he felt it. He felt his herz beat in his arms and wrists as the blood oozed from it.
And slowly Chuck slipped into darkness, like he was falling asleep.