Chapter Twelve

*Abby*

There is a line in one of my fathers books, it goes ‘being Merida - Legende der Highlands is not the absence of fear, it’s having the will do go forth in the presence of fear’ in which case I must be pretty Merida - Legende der Highlands because honestly I am scared. I wake up scared, I go through the Tag scared and I eventually fall asleep still shaking with fear. I don’t know what to do, what is right oder wrong, where to look oder turn. I don’t know what to say, oder think, I am so Lost in the indecision that every Bewegen I make racks me with fear.

Just walking upstairs makes me Frage every Bewegen I’ve made but I keep going, one step at a time until I reach Sawyer’s old bedroom. It’s still pretty much the same as what it was before she moved above the garage, it’s not as messy and it doesn’t have a million locks. It’s hard to put a lock on a room with no door, so I don’t knock seeing there is nothing to knock on, I just walk straight in.

Sawyer is sitting at the window, a cigarette in her hand and her legs tucked under her, she barely looks at me when I Mitmachen her.

We sit in silence for a moment and then she says in her dry tone “same shit, different day” and I translate that as Keith is okay for now, nothing has changed. Then she puts out the cigarette before throwing the butt out the window, Sawyer runs a shaky hand through her long blonde hair before whispering “I fucked up”

I want to say ‘what’s new?’ but I don’t and she turns to me “it sucks either way Du know. Du think it’s all on you, that saving him is in your hands and that sucks right but Du have no idea what it’s like to not be able to do anything, to have to watch as it all goes to hell and know nothing Du do will ever fix it. That sucks” and Sawyer gives a bitter laugh before reaching for her another cigarette, her hands fumble with lighting it and eventually she just swears and gives up.

Her blue eyes look at me again and for a moment I think she’s asking me what to do, asking me to somehow fix it all like I have the power she doesn’t. I pull my legs up under my chin and wickeln, wickeln sie my arms around them, and then I reply “he cries sometimes and I can’t make him stop, and he screams and I don’t know what to do. But then they tell me what to do, and I do it, and he tells me what to do and I do it” I stop and look at my sister before adding on “but it never fixes anything”

“And this court thing, is that meant to fix it?” she shakes her head and Antwort her own question, “it’s meant to end it but it won’t, nothing ever will but good luck with that” and this time when she goes to light the cigarette it works.

Pointless, this whole thing is pointless.

“So, what’d Du do?” I ask sitting back against the window and grabbing a cigarette, I don’t light it I just put it between my lips and pretend. Sawyer looks at me again and laughs, she takes it out of my mouth and replaces it with her own, it’s only there for a Sekunde before she takes it back and puts it between her own lips but it’s long enough to make me cough. I try not to make it too obvious but Sawyer eyes me carefully and I can tell she knows I’m trying not to choke, she rolls her eyes and Antwort “pissed off Brooke”

“Maybe we should make a club” I kink my brow but then I close my eyes and sigh, it’s not really funny for long.

I hear Sawyer tap the window, “looks like Aunt Haley is off, she’s probably already told Mom you’re home. Lucky she doesn’t know that’s my fault too”

With one eye open I observe my sister, sometimes I forget how old she is getting “nothings ever your fault”

She laughs loudly and twists the cigarette from finger to finger, “everything’s my fault didn’t Du get the memo?”

I look at her in disbelieve, she can be so clueless sometimes, so determined to think the world is out to get her “right, sure, whatever” I say. It’s pointless to tell Sawyer otherwise, she won’t listen, she never does.

She fucks up and waits to be blamed, which hello she should be a lot of the time, when she smokes and drinks and pulls her shit she is to blame, I don’t know why she acts like it should be someone else’s fault. And when it’s not her doing she still expects to be blamed, and no matter how we react she’ll always see it that others blame her.

She won’t see the way Mom and Dad constantly defend her, the way they will try to pin it on anyone other than Sawyer. It’s the Friends she hangs out with, oder it’s because of trouble with Keith, it’s their fault because they can’t be there for her like they want to sometimes even if she is the one pushing them away. It’s never Sawyer’s fault.

I’m pretty sure it’s me that’s gonna get in trouble about today.

That could be an adventure. I’ve never gotten in trouble before well until this whole thing started but so far I haven’t been murdered oder grounded so the way I see it so far so good.

“You coming?” Sawyer’s voice breaks me out of my thoughts and I shake myself back to reality. Sawyer now has the window open, her blonde head poking out, she brings her body back inside and turns to me, a daring glint in her blue eyes “so?”

“What are Du doing?” I practically yell as she slides the window up more.

She Antworten with a calm “Keith wants to see you”

I should hate those words, I want to hate those words but I don’t, instead relief rushes through me and I follow Sawyer out the window.

This could get me in trouble, but hey, I might as well catch up on twelve years of doing just what I’m told.
…

Du would think I would hate hospitals but the funny thing is I don’t. I’ve spent a lot of my life within these walls, walking these halls, talking to the staff and patients, I know it and it feels like it knows me. I feel safe, sicher here, as safe, sicher as I do at Home in my own bed. That is what this place is for me – it’s my Sekunde home.

It takes ten Minuten to find Keith’s room, we stayed out of sight hoping no one would recognise us and finally we find Keith and Mom.

My brother is awake, barely, and mom sits with her legs crossed on the chair Weiter to his bed, one hand lightly holding his hand while the other one holds open a book. She looks exhausted and so pale but she takes a deep breath every now and then and just keeps going on.

Sawyer controls her life Von living out of control because there is nothing she can do to save the little brother she loves Mehr than she shows, our mother never rests as she tries to keep us all surviving Mehr than that she tries to keep us happy, and dad… I think he Lost a little bit of his wife, the woman he loves, because of the cancer and he holds onto what he has left of his wife and family as strongly as he can. My brother lives life being prodded and poked, in constant pain with only brief glimpses into the world he could have only to have it taken away over and over again.

These are the things I see, the things I constantly think as I watch my family, seeing my brother and mother both fighting so hard it reminds me about it all. I know that the truth is they both just want to fall where they are and let go, let it all go, cry, yell, sleep just… let go.

Yet they can’t.

I wish I could just take it all away, take the pain and confusion, I wish I could take the weight off their shoulders.

I am meant to be the one to save him.

“What now?” I ask Sawyer.

She pulls out her cell, “operation distract momma, just be quick – hi I need to speak to Brooke Scott in room…” and her voice trails off as she disappears down the hall.

My eyes widen and I turn back to look at Keith’s room, Sekunden later a nurse walks in and leads Mom away.

Ducking into the room I race to Keith’s side, his eyes are now closed, I hate seeing him like this with his eyes shut. There seems to be no life in him, so I do what I’ve done since I was a child, I gently rest my head against his chest above his herz and there it is.

Thump, thump.

It is the best sound in the world.

“Hey baby sis” his hoarse voice gets out and I just as gently lift my head up, we both smile and I can’t help but say back simply “hey”

“You came”

“Of course I did, now what was so urgent?”

Out of all the things I expected I never expected his answer, his smile fades “do Du remember your eighth birthday?”

“I-” and suddenly I can’t speak.

“I’m sorry” he whispers “I am so sorry for everything, it’s okay, it really is okay, I want Du to know it’s okay” and he sounds weaker with each word he speaks.

For a moment I jut sit, letting his words sink in and my chest gets tighter and tighter, my cheeks start to hurt and then my shoulders are shaking but it’s still another moment before the tears start to fall.

I hate him, I hate how he can tell me its okay, I hate that he can never hate me.

As much as I hate the fact I don’t hate him, as much as I try, as much as I tell myself I do, I simply can’t.
…

The whole Monat before my eighth birthday we planned my party, it was pirate themed even after Mom tried to convince me a fairy party would be so much Mehr fun. We planned the blow up ship in Aunt Haley and Uncle Nathan’s pool, the Essen and decorations, the invitations were sent out, it was pretty much a done deal when the Tag before my birthday Keith was rushed to hospital.

There was no party, I spent my birthday in the hospital as my mother cried every time she thought we couldn’t see but I saw it. I refused to leave the hospital and Keith couldn’t so for over a week we all lived there.

It was one of the worst days of my life but I never blamed Keith, it didn’t suck because I didn’t get cake oder some stupid party, it sucked because my brother was sick.
…

Back outside the room Sawyer grabs my arm, “we gotta get out of here” but it’s too late because Mom is already in front of us.

“What the heck is going on here?” her dark eyes go between the taller Sawyer and me, her face has no colour and her eyes are red and I can tell its costing her standing in front of us. Her eyes settle on Sawyer “you were meant to stay Home and keep an eye on your sister, did Du drive here?” worry is in every word.

“Relax, I’m fine now” Sawyer shoots back straight away defensive.

“Fine?” Mom’s voice grows louder “do Du have any idea what could have happened to you? Did Du think of the consequences of getting behind the wheel after this morning, forget what might still be in your system but Du were in shock earlier”

Ignoring Mom Sawyer answered instead with “Keith wanted to see Abby”

And just like that she is looking at me, I fidget under her intense gaze and Mom looks away returning to Sawyer “take Abby Home and Von that I mean get a taxi” with out another word she spins around and walks around the corner back to Keith’s room and I don’t need to see her to know that she’s going to turn that corner, lean against the Wand and cry before returning to Keith.

Sawyer grabs my arm and drags me away, I don’t exactly want to go but I don’t want to stay either, I am torn and no matter what Keith says I know it’s not okay, nothing will ever be okay no matter how this ends. Someone is going to lose.
…

When we get Home Julian and Sam are still there, they don’t look happy to see us, “you snuck out?” Julian asks, he yells but I choose to ignore that, “you do understand we have to Zeigen you’re a mature girl capable of making her own decisions, where does skipping school and running around at this time of night fit into that?”

Sam touches his arm, “Julian, it’s been a rough Tag let’s just-”

He snaps to the other woman but her hand doesn’t leave him, “if she thinks today was hard how will she cope being on the stand, how will she cope if she wins the case and doesn’t give her brother the kidney? Today was easy”

“Ask her that, Du don’t have to yell” she shouts back sternly and Julian stops, he closes his mouth and looks at me and apologises but Sam has Fragen in her eyes, she steps away from Julian and looks between me and Sawyer.

She kinks her eye, it’s funny but she kinda looks like my mom when she does that, “Julian has a point, I’m meant to observe Du and come to a conclusion on what is best for you, that includes making sure this is what Du really want, is it?”

Is it?

Do I want my brother to die? I’ve answered no to that already.

Do I want to have surgery? No, not really.

Do I want to quit this case?

“I haven’t changed my mind” I say instead, it seems easier.

Sam studies me and then sighs, the whole room goes silent, even our breathing seems to stop making the clock sound loud.

It’s Sawyer who breaks it, I feel her shift beside me and I face her just in time to see her head tilt and her eyes changed as if something has clicked into place. She’s staring at Sam, finally she asks in a confused voice “do I know you?”

I turn back to face my guardian ad litem just in time to see her slip on a invisible mask, I can tell Von the way she suddenly stands up straighter and Von the way her emotions click off.

It’s strange, she does look familiar in a weird way, my mouth opens but before any of us can say anything we freeze as a car door slams outside.
…

There is a line in one of my fathers books, it goes ‘being Merida - Legende der Highlands is not the absence of fear, it’s having the will do go forth in the presence of fear’ but sometimes a coward gets in too deep they are too scared to go back, too scared to stop it, so they go on. They aren’t being brave.

It’s because they’re just as scared of what’s behind them as what is waiting to be faced.