New York: Occupied – A Fan Fiction Mini-Story


Eddie and Patsy are in a hotel room in New York.

Eddie: I mean, how dare they spit at me, darling. These “Occupiers”: bored upper-middle-class students looking for a protest. They wouldn’t know a protest if it bit them in the ass, sweetie.

Patsy: You’re right, darling. You’re always right.

Eddie: I’m always right. I mean, what’s the protest? Mum and Dad had too much money so they gave it to some gnome who flushed it down his Ponzi scheme toilet? “Oh, let’s protest. Oh, let’s make a speech in a public park and spit at passing Berühmtheiten wearing fur. Oh, look, she’s the “One Percent,” let’s spit on her.”

Patsy: New York gutter rats.

Eddie: Gutter rats!

Patsy: But I don’t think they thought Du were a celebrity, darling.

Eddie: Didn’t they? I think they did.

Patsy: No, I don’t think so.

Eddie: Darling, I have been on tv a.m. That kind of aura follows you. To think of all that I’ve gone through to get where I am, just to be sniped at Von some malcontents with a trust fund, with Mehr time on their hands than the homeless. I hate this generation!

Patsy: Hate this generation!

Eddie: This generation of ungrateful, wastrel, hyper-indignant know-nothings. Marxist wannabes, that’s what they are.

Patsy: Marxist pigs!

Eddie: I think they were spitting at Du darling.

Patsy: No, I don’t think they were spitting at me. Darling, I project glamour. I am one of the beautiful people. The hoi polloi know not to mess with me.

Eddie: I suppose I’m chopped liver and onions, am I darling?

Patsy: Well.

Eddie: I just feel I deserve some measure of respect at this stage of my life. I mean, what is the world coming to when Du can’t even walk into a nice hotel without being dragged down to someone else’s level?

Patsy: Oh, look, darling: here we are in a lovely hotel room, lovely mini bar, lovely gin and tonic. Let’s have a drink and get down to this Foto shoot business.

Eddie: Oh.

Patsy: Oh, what, Eddie? You’ve had days to get on to that Cox woman.

Eddie: Courtney Cox’s people have been very cagey, darling. I’m finessing it, I’m finessing it.

Patsy: This is it, darling. This is the now: middle-aged American Schauspielerinnen taking it all off to prove to the industry and the public that they can still do it. I mean, she’s not getting any younger, sweetie.

Eddie: No, she’s not getting any younger. I caught an episode of “Cougar Town” on the plane and it looked as if she’d shot it in her sleep.

Patsy: My point. Well, how much does she want?

Eddie: We hadn’t gotten around to discussing numbers, Pats.

Patsy: Oh, Eddie!

Eddie: Well, to be quite honest, I don’t think she wants to do it.

Patsy: Oh, Eddie. Well, what are we going to do?

Eddie: Well, I thought –

Eddie points at herself.

Patsy: No, Eddie.


Eddie is being photographed in a studio.

Photographer: All right, give it to me, darling. Look here. Chin up.

Eddie: I’ve always thought this was my best angle: full on and no apology.

Photographer: No talking.

Eddie: Sorry.

Photographer: Do Du feel comfortable about dropping the sheet now, darling?

Eddie: Yeah, let’s do it.

Photographer: All right, dropping it now, and . . .

Patsy: Noooooo!


Eddie and Patsy are in a fashion boutique.

Eddie: At least we’ll get in some shopping.

Patsy: Look what these hündin twins are fronting: tat.

Eddie: Not exactly Bond Street, is it, darling?

Patsy: No.

Eddie: I quite like what this other has-been has here, though, darling. Look at that.

Patsy: Almost looks like fashion. I think that’s your speed, Eds. Buy that.

Eddie: Yes, I’ll buy that.

Patsy: Don’t try it on until we get home, though, Eddie. I don’t want to have to suffer through another incident.

Eddie: Yes, I’ll just have them wickeln, wickeln sie it up. This will fit.


Eddie and Patsy are in a cab.

Eddie: Another trip to New York over and flushed.

Patsy: Did Du hear anything?

Eddie: She’s going full tit and minge for Cosmo.

Patsy: No! The bitch.

Eddie: Those Schauspielerinnen are all the same. I lay the groundwork and they leapfrog over me to greener pastures.

Patsy: Du can’t win them all, Eddie.

Eddie: No, Du can’t win them all. I just want to win some of them.

Patsy: Par for the course, eh, Eds? Cheers anyway, darling.

Eddie: Cheers, darling.

Patsy: I’m gagging for a shag something awful, Eddie.

Eddie: Well, don’t look at me.

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