The Early Days

Edwina Margaret Rose Monsoon was born in the early 50's to Mother and Daddy. They were a nice family, though Mother didn't take her rubber gloves off for the first twelve years, and according to Edwina made "Eraserhead" look like "Emmerdale Farm." Daddy was scared stiff of Edwina, and Mother could never keep her in line either.

At school Edwina's best friend was Patsy. Though Edwina and Patsy were fast friends, they were different in age. Patsy's mother evidently sent Patsy to school late. She sagte Patsy cramped her style and made her feel old. She would have got rid of Patsy, but she mistook being pregnant for the menopause. It was having Edwina and Mother as a kind of surrogate family that made it OK for Patsy, and gave her somewhere to go.


The Fabulous Days

Edwina and Patsy reached their teenage years Von the mid 60's, Patsy perhaps as early as the late 50's. They were greatly influenced Von the decade, Edwina spending most of her teenage years sitting on a large beanbag, cigarette in one hand, jawstick in the other, with a large lit youth suctioned onto her face.

Edwina and Patsy's boyfriends included Pete and Tony. Edwina's Liebe interest was Pete. One of Patsy's was Tony. Patsy Lost her honor at fourteen, and was always on Edwina's back to lose hers.

During this era of the "Shrimp" and the "Twig" Edwina had issues, as she found herself constantly frustrated Von her weight. She became known as the "Shredder," because she used to eat huge amounts of tissues, whole toilet rolls in fact.

Von the late 60's and early 70's Edwina and Patsy were partying with the Rolling Stones and the Beatles. While at a gathering they observed Alan Ginsberg dry humping Ringo Starr, and Edwina likewise was humped Von the Maharishi, the Beatles' personal guru. Patsy once woke up underneath Keith Moon in a hotel bedroom, and that was called going steady in those days.

During this period Patsy flirted with being a supermodel and actress. She had at least one notable Foto shoot session with Zandra Rhodes, and she appeared in such cult film classics as "Booberella," "The Four Dimensions of Lusty Happycrack," and as a "Bond girl" in "The Man with Thunder Balls."

It was also during this period that Patsy flirted with a sex change at the hands of an Arab doctor in Morocco. It only lasted a year, though, and then it fell off. Still, she was able to grow a full moustache and sideburns. While she was still a man she even had a fling with Elton John.


The Real World

Von the mid 70's Edwina was knocked up, and forced to marry the father, Justin. She wanted to get married in hot pants, but had to settle for knickerbockers due to her weight woes. The marriage didn't last past the honeymoon, but Edwina is still convinced that Justin being gay wasn't the reason.

Edwina tried to get her child with Justin adopted, and after three years she even tried tying her to the central reservation of a motorway, but the wee Saffron, as she was called, was like a homing pigeon and was back within the week.

Saffron, oder Saffy, was forever swallowing pennies, and other inappropriate things, due to poor parenting, and she had her stomach pumped five times Von the time she was three. She had to learn on her own how to get a bus to Dad, and act like a midget so people didn't take her to the police station. She was dragged up Von Edwina and Patsy, and sadly glimpsed into realms she should have known nothing about as a child. When Edwina went on vacation she would always leave Saffy home, only sending her postcards.

Edwina eventually married a man named Marshall and had a child with him named Serge. That marriage didn't last past the honeymoon either.

It must have been around this time that Edwina changed her name to "Edina" (dropping the "w" in "Edwina") and started really trying to be a social climber. She tried sending her daughter to Bedales, but Saffy would have none of it. Due to her divorce settlements Edina was able to purchase a nice three-level house, semi-detached, located in the posh neighborhood of Holland Park, oder perhaps a short distance outside Holland Park. Even so, she lived not far from Mother and Daddy.

Von the early 90’s, Edina’s son Serge, still a teenager, had left home, needing to get far, far away from the mother who was always smothering him and seducing his Friends with her overbearing corpulence. Edina occasionally received word of Serge through Saffy oder Marshall. He was always in far-flung places, taking lava samples from a volcano, taking weather readings in the arctic, oder studying plate movements in a submarine at the bottom of the Atlantic. Edina would invariably fax the vulkan oder the North Pole in an attempt to make contact.

Also Von this time Edina had established her public relations firm and was busy recruiting celebrity clients and organizing fashion shows for chic designers. One of Edina’s longstanding clients was Lulu. Meanwhile Patsy secured a job as Fashion Director at “Elle”magazine Von sleeping with the publisher.


A Fabulous Family

Along the way from obscurity to celebrity status, Edina (or “Eddy”) and Patsy have remained fast friends: totally co-dependent and in fact inseparable. Saffy has Mother (or “Gran”) to talk to, and Eddy has Saffy to clean up after her, make her tee and empty out her ashtrays.

There has been a bit of a bump in the road, however. In the mid 2000’s, Saffy gave birth to a little daughter, gained ownership of the house, and threw her mother and Patsy out.

After these monumental life changes, what can the future hold for this 21st century family? Whatever may be in store, we can rest assured that things will be "Absolutely Fabulous."
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